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Yesterday was the worst day. So bad. I was sad, crying, angry, yelling...tried all my strategies and couldn't shake it. Then had 1/2 glass of wine. I think I lost just enough of my inhibitions to completely lose control. I was yelling swear words where my daughter could hear me (f- the rules! (which is what my WH told me about breaking NC and why it was okay before he stopped telling me he was breaking NC...back in July-so a while ago). I kicked an exercise ball and it bounced off the wall. Then I walked upstairs where my daughter wasn't. I knocked some things off the counter and pushed over a stool. WH said, "OK. ENOUGH" and restrained me. I felt trapped and helpless. Then he said, "We have a daughter!" and I lost it. I lost my mind. I hit him. I think twice...maybe more I don't know. I hit him. I can't believe I hit him.

I think you know what you did was wrong. I understand the rage, but it does not excuse the behavior. Just like we say nothing justifies an A, nothing justifies hitting your spouse. KWIM ? Lecture over.

Do you have an IC ? I really think when the emotions get to be too intense to be managed and boil over like this it is important to get some help. IF you don't have an IC maybe get in to see your MD ? If nothing else that might be able to help with referrals and/or medication that can help level out the emotions for a time.

Look I am not going to pretend I was calm, cool and collected after Dday either. I had to seek out some help and I am glad I did. It does not make you anything except smart and realistic. Asking for help is never the wrong thing to do.

I am sorry you are going through this. Not one part of this is easy. I understand completely.

((lucy17))

Um..ok. You kicked a ball and it bounced off the wall. You went upstairs,away from your child, and you knocked a few things of the counter and pushed a stool. You were angry. breaking a dish, throwing a ball,heck,even knocking things off the counter...Im sorry but I see this as understandable. You did not hit him..until he restrained you from getting your anger out..then you struck him.

As a former victim of rape, I HATE it when someone restrains me. WH did this a few times. I was NOT out of control. I WAS angry. I would be trying to walk away..and he would grab me and refuse to let me go. or I would be taking his clothes out of the closet..and he would restrain me physically.

NO! You do not have the right to put your hands on another person...unless that person is hurting themselves,someone else, or they are clearly out of control. You don't sound like you were out of control..just pissed off.

He is worried that your DD will hear? Oh..NOW is concerned about the child. Right.

It is not ok to hit him. But he needs to understand you will be angry..and if all you do is throw a few dishes,then he should consider himself lucky. Not that he should expect to be physically hurt,of course not. But throwing a few dishes? Understandable.

BUT...you can not do this around your kid. You know this. Of course. You need to find other ways to release your rage that won't involve her. Are you in IC?

Im not saying what you did was ok. But being angry and kicking a stool over? Pretty mild,IMO. His grabbing you..and the way you felt as a result..ugh..Im seeing red. That is a huge trigger for me. Being held down,not being able to have control of my own body...I can't handle that.

If his concern was for the child,he could have taken her for a walk. He did not have the right to hold you down and not allow you to move.

I'm not condoning your behavior but I completely understand. I have been there myself. Several times. My wh and I are currently seperated because I have gotten physical with him. Is this the 1st time you have done this? I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you as I need some advice myself.

You are under an enormous amount of stress right now (understatement of the century). You are experiencing PTSD symptoms. Give yourself a break…no one under the best of circumstances is perfect.

One thing that has helped me get through some of my anger is meditation. There are a lot of sites that have downloadable meditations you can play on your iPod or mp3 player.

here is one a very qualified hypnotherapist recommended to me.

http://www.healthjourneys.com/default.asp

double post

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:47 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

(((lucy)))

I, too, understand, but it looks like your behavior and feelings have been escalating, and that scares me.

I'm with N&D - Are you in IC? If not, see your doc ASAP with an eye toward med and get counseling. Can you talk to someone today - IC, MC, doc, pastor?

I've hit my WH twice and spat at him once. I was HORRIFIED when I did these things. I am the most anti-violent person I know... I wont even watch a movie with a smidgen of violence in it and yet here I was... a woman who hit her husband! I felt like I had let myself down in the most terrible way. It was absolutely traumatic to me. I HATED myself for it.

So I genuinely know how you feel. Of course it isn't right, you know that. I think the important thing is to apologise (if you haven't already) acknowledge that you realise you were way out of line and commit yourself to not ever going to "that place" again. I have learnt to recognise when my anger is spiralling out of control now and I make attempts to stop it before I lose it. I have come really CLOSE to losing it again, but have managed to reign myself in.

I am in no way condoning physical violence, but you have to accept you are under a tsunami of emotional pain...none of us have been taught how to deal with this kind of stuff, it's not something anyone is prepared for, we are all trying to find out way back to sanity through this shitstorm, so cut yourself a small amount of slack.