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Triggers, stupid thinking and advice please?

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Shocked2believe posted 11/11/2013 10:38 AM

In brief, WH has/had a EA with co-worker. We are trying R. Going extremely slow as she is still in contact with him as they work in same department although she's moving job position shortly (think he loved/s the attention, like they all do, as well as being in the middle of a MLC).

Now, he is very protective of me and ever since D day I've tried to ask him what he'd do if roles were reversed, how he would feel? He keeps saying 'I don't know'. Now, as we're struggling to iron out matters, I unable to stop using opportunities to make little comments about the A. ie. WH: Why didn't you bother mentioning that you were going with so and so to circus with kids? Me: I don't know, perhaps the same reason you didn't mention you went out to dinner with work collegues (including OP) instead of doing overtime like you said you were doing!

So, he's taken to making comments now and again such as 'when you finished on your phone talking to your "boyfriend", I'm here' as I spend a lot of time on SI reading, which he's not aware of nor asked about or 'who are you off to see NOW?' as I work from home with my own children and go out a lot to entertain them so I always have children in tow. Now I'm tired of these comments as I'm not actually doing anything wrong (so deflecting his wrongs onto me perhaps?) as every time he's said these sort of things I replied 'I would never dream of doing anything like that to you or never will, I know how painful it is'. Now I'm just going along with it and now my 'new boyfriend' had even got a name. .... He seems really unsure of how serious I am! Now here's the question. Do I just continue letting him believe what he wants to believe or do I go back to 'I would never do. ..... blah blah blah'? Of course there is nobody else but is nice to see him concerned about me. It's nice to think that he thinks someone else appreciates me as well but don't know if it's right and helpful to R?

Whilst saying all this, I'm feeling rather apprehensive about the upcoming Christmas party. His position doesn't allow for him to not attend but once again this year partners are not invited and I'm having terrible trouble with this because it was last year at the Christmas party that all this started with the OW trying to kiss him and the EA developing from there. Gauranteed she will be there, there is going to be a lot of alcohol consumption and we're just going to going around in a vicious circle. Please tell me how I tell him how unhappy this makes me?

Sorry for rambling. Putting all my thoughts down to hopefully make sense of it all!!!!

rachelc posted 11/11/2013 10:53 AM

I would put it to my husband this way: job? or marriage?
there is no way I would stay in a marriage where my husband attended a party where the OW would be...

cl131716 posted 11/11/2013 10:56 AM

It's blame shifting and my WS did/does the same thing. He even went as far as accusing me of cheating. It's extremely frustrating and the reason we separated for two weeks. It's not fair to have the finger pointed at you or feel guilty for anything when you haven't done anything wrong and they have!

steadfast1973 posted 11/11/2013 10:56 AM

I don't recommend this playing around with you having a boyfriend. I know his jealousy can be very affirming... don't give in to it.

Harriet posted 11/11/2013 10:59 AM

I couldn't handle that, either. My ex had many affairs with several co workers. When we tried reconcilaition I was very strict about him not attending any social affairs at work.

Could he be accusing you of having a boyfriend so he can justify flirting again at this party? Or am I just too cynical and paranoid?

steadfast1973 posted 11/11/2013 11:01 AM

(my husband also told me that spouses weren't allowed to attend his work parties... but his boss's wife was there... as was his co-workers husband and daughter.)

FightingBack posted 11/11/2013 11:06 AM

in regards to the Christmas party, he had better man up and decide which is more important, doing what is required of him for work and going to a party while you stay at home in hell until he comes back or doing what is required to make you feel that your feelings are more important than anything else, and staying home to be a comfort to you.

My H gave me the same reasons, "responsibility" , for attending the Christmas party two days after dday. the party night was when he and OW would spend all night together in an expensive hotel. same reasons the next year. This year he has finally realized that my feelings are more important and will not attend.

If there could be difficulties arising from him declining to go, then he should just suffer from a terrible migraine or get the flu at the last minute. All he really needs to do to excuse his absence is to site family matters.

If he can't do this for you, he is a coward.

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