Broken crayons still color.
I stupidly thought that since everyone wasn't cranked up on cray-cray, that it was "ok". I mean "ok" in a very loose term because the underlying issues are faaarrrr from being fixed.
We're in a new, weird normal with my FOO. There is communication between Mother and I, but it's still a little strange. Last week I got very sick. I'd called Mother to ask which doctor she used and to get their phone number. Got off with her, called the doctor, made an appointment, and she texts me, "Let me know if you need me to take you."
I stupidly took her up on the offer. Went to the doctor, stopped at the pharmacy, went back home. Two days later, I was feeling some better and she and I ran to a store together.
Last night I find out she told my sister, "She only calls me when she needs something and wants me to take her to the doctor." What!? She asked me. She offered. I did not ask. I didn't hint. I didn't beg. Nothing. But she lied to my sister and told her that I asked her to take me to the doctor.
There were also comments made about the fact that there wasn't an official birthday party for DS and I. Mother saw presents on my sister's counter for us and she huffed, "I don't know what the deal is. I finally just sent over gifts and a pie."
No. She passive-aggressively sent that stuff over to our house because she was forcing my hand in communicating with her. She "put the ball in my court". She opened up communication with my sister, but then wouldn't do it with me. She wanted me to be the first to break the silence.
There was an event last night. Someone asked her a question about me and she said, "Well you know, they grow up and think they don't have to listen to their mom anymore..."
Quite honestly, I don't have to listen to her. If I want to shave my head bald, get a tattoo of a smurf on my scalp, get gauges in my ears, and get a septum piercing, I can. If QS and I want to move to a commune, stop showering and shaving, and smoke pot every day, all day, we can. If I choose to go on a trip over a holiday *gasp* I can. If we choose for our lives to NOT revolve around her anymore, we can do that.
She doesn't get it. It's not about disrespect. It's not about hating her. It's not about rebelling. It's not about any of that. She's missing the point entirely.
Dad is in La-la-Land. He's king of rugsweep. He's all better and life is moving on. But Mother is another story. She's in her house, alone, simmering and seething.
And I'm trying soooo hard to see it from her angle. I'm very familiar with the dynamic that Dad and her have. I know what her life is like. But for the life of me, I can't understand why a parent would be so dead set against their child living a full, complete, happy life. Why they think their child is deliberately trying to hurt them and ruin them. I just can't wrap my mind around it.
They're keeping score. They claim they "don't do that". But they're keeping score. I have to remember that. Even if it "seems" like things are ok, we're "talking", we're laughing at an event, the wheels are always turning, things are being twisted, and I'm not safe.
Was talking to QS earlier and I told him, I just feel so lost. I'm wandering around the house, going thru the motions of life, knowing the family is shattered, and there is nothing I can do about it. It is what it is, and I have to learn to accept it. And of course make a mental note that the next time I get sick, even when offered a ride, take a cab instead.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne