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Marathonwaseasy posted 11/11/2013 11:04 AM

In many ways all our stories are so incredibly similar. All the justifications, TT, fog, pain of being the BS, process we have to go through.
All over the world and we are living the same nightmare

But I feel so separate because of the added element to our story - fwh's bipolar. I am not saying it was an excuse but since he hit rock bottom after dday he has for the first time acknowledged he is ill, taken his medications, engaged with his psychiatrist, lived a bipolar friendly lifestyle in terms of diet, exercise, sleep, avoiding alcohol etc. And he's so much less ill than he has been for years. Honestly he's a completely different man - better than he was before his breakdown 7 years ago.

The realisation of how ill he has been has hit me this weekend. He made 3 serious suicide attempts in the past 7 years and numerous other incidents when he went AWOL and I had no idea if he would return and many days I did not know about when he was obsessed with the desire to die. He has memories of conversations with me that simply did not happen - complete delusions. He had times when he burned himself with lighters and could feel no pain. He was convinced he could smell himself rotting from the inside.

He is by no means well now but he is getting better every day he does the right things. He has felt moments of contentment and peace despite the overwhelming remorse. He is doing everything to care for me.

Our M fell apart over his denial of his illness. I tried to do whatever I could to keep him safe - a total codependent but under the circumstances I did great. We still have a home. The kids are just about ok. I did start to develop a bit of a life for me in recent years and withdrew from him making the chasm greater but I was so alone living with someone who hated me for days on end because the other rationale for his misery apart from facing his illness was that it was all my fault.

I'm just so confused. The man who had the A was very ill. He knew right from wrong but he was ill. Like committing a crime while having diminished responsibility. I hate what he did. I'm devastated, sickened, traumatised, anxious and tired. But I'm scared that I'm rug sweeping because I am starting to feel a bit more human 2 months post dday.

And our first MC session is in 3 hours.

numb&dumb posted 11/11/2013 12:45 PM

I can relate. My W has/had sever undiagnosed Depression. Bi-Polar is much worse (previous fiancee was BiP, I so I can relate to that too).

So in my case I had to delay my R somewhat as the illness my W had, required immediate attention. Her therapist actually asked me to not discuss the A for awhile. Later I learned because she was suicidal and she was close to being hospitalized. I still can't believe the therapist sent her home with me. I guess I must have had given her enough to know that I cared and would do what I needed to. I suggest you take a step back and focus on that first. You are not going to see much of what you need to heal from the A unless you have a healthy partner. Look, this infidelity crap drives mentally healthy people insane, be mindful of that and take help when it is offered.

What I have come to understand is that my W illness make it somewhat easier for me to understand why it happened logically speaking. Emotionally it makes no difference. (I would argue it actually makes it worse).

Anyway I think you are on the right path with feeling human again and detaching. I did it and it has really helped me regain a sense of myself without relying on my M to provide that for me. I gave up carrying responsibility for both my W Illness and her A. Both of those are hers to own and fix. I can still be M'd, but her choices and faults are in no way a reflection on me . . .or how awesome I am. I know you are too :) Loving someone with mental illness takes a very special and patient person.

I also spent some time in IC just focus using on the challenges I faced related to my W illness. There are unique things there that may need to addressed outside of the context of the A. This was really important for me. Similar to alanon for people who lived with an alcoholic.

Today my W is doubly grateful that I not only agreed to R with her, but was patient enough to "wait" while she addressed some of her issues. She knows now that it takes a rare and unique person to do what I did. I allow myself to feel happy about that and remind myself that, "yes, I am that good of a person." Would I do it again ? Never in a million years. Alas I don't have that option. So I play the hand I was dealt and work really hard to ensure that I come out on top.

Today it may seem like a curse (and today, it is), but overcoming that also can also give you great validation in the kind of person you are and strive to be. "Model human," does not do it justice.

Hang in there. It can and does get better.


LA44 posted 11/11/2013 13:36 PM

((marathonwaseasy)) just wanted you to have this.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/12/2013 02:55 AM

Thanks for replies esp numb&dumb for your wisdom

Yes logically it seems easier than for other people on here 2 months out. Emotionally though - FFS I have a husband with bipolar, that's a hard enough battle - why this as well?

MC last night was good but very hard and I'm raw this morning. On the brink of tears.

Interesting you say that loving someone with mental illness isn't a choice you'd make again. If not for my fwh my children would not exist and I still love him so much. But I wish...

No point going there though

olwen posted 11/12/2013 04:22 AM


You have me sympathies. I don't know if this info will be of any use to you. I am new to bp and infidelity.

Being bipolar myself I would love to give you advice and insights. The illness varies so much from person to person though and as I have bp2 depression is my main problem. That means I do less of the mania things but I do struggle with suicidality. It means I can't really advise from where your husband has been illness wise, he sounds far worse than I have ever been.

I just wanted to say I think you have done an amazing job supporting you WH and I wish he could appreciate every single thing you have done for him. I am glad to hear he is accepting his illness and doing the right things now. Yes, you are his wife, but you can't fight his illness for him.

I can't really comment on BP cheating as I have never done it. I was diagnosed after a hypomanic period where hypersexuality was the main feature. This is TMI but it might be relevant. All I could think of round the clock was sex. If H wasn't around I was doing the job myself. All day every day. This was all consuming for around 3 weeks but with the build up and drop off it was more like 6 week. Sadly it made my H uncomfortable. Like it wasn't really me. IT was but a ramped up version. I got very angry if he tried to refuse me.

For me cheating would never have been an option but I do remember thinking if I wasn't housebound I would have been very distracted by any attractive man I saw. I would imagine walking down the street and grabbling any likely looking man.I am grateful I was in control enough that I would never have acted on it. But as the name suggests hypo (little) mania is nowhere near as bad as full blown mania which I am grateful never to have experienced. It's like being plain old horny but non stop and x1000.

I do know what it's like being out of control but never to a point where I would do more than fantasise about cheating, even that made me feel guilty!

It's extremely unfair you are having to deal with this double whammy.

Can I ask you to remember to take care of you?
You mentioned you had started to do things for you and that you withdrew from your H. The same thing happened with my H but he was the one who chose to cheat. Yes, I withdrew too cos I was learning to manage my illness but H withdrew cos it was too much for him. I thought by keeping a lid on my depression he wasn't being affected. Kind of it's ok you get on with what you want to do - I've got this, I can manage. So he did. Straight into the arms of another woman, someone he hoped he could talk to but almost instantly it became an escape.

I get angry about this, I never cheated, I never ran away, I tried to never drag him down with me but still it scared him. I have taken an overdose, I have been so desperate I have hit my head in things, punched doors and hurt myself. That can't be nice for anyone to see.

What I am trying to say is living with bp is difficult all round for the sufferer and the partner. BUt it's not the partners responsibility to try and make the ill partner better, just to support and understand which you have done admirably. I really hope you continue to have that bit of life you found that was just for you. I wish my H had done that rather than cheat.

You need to look after you first. PM me any time you like. I don't know if I can help but I am there if you would like to talk.

numb&dumb posted 11/14/2013 16:14 PM

If not for my fwh my children would not exist and I still love him so much. But I wish...

Yeah this is the part that can help you cope sometimes, but ultimately the what would have been game doesn't get you anywhere. It gets makes you said and feel like a victim.

When I said I wouldn't do it again, it comes with both good and bad just like everything. My kids gave me purpose to soldier on, when I couldn't see another reason to continue. That is the thing, these horrible situations come into our lives, but even the most jaded of us have to admit there is light in darkness.

First year and one half, I R'd for my kids. No other reason. If they weren't there I be D today. Although it gave me a reason or excuse to stay and be patient. My W got better, I got better and therefore we began to heal and improve ourselves and our M. It isn't all rainbows and ice cream, but nothing really is, is it : )

One foot in the front of the other. Get through each day and try to take some small moments of happiness for yourself. Force yourself to smile even when you don't feel like. I don't know why, but it works

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