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Ever ok to contact other woman?

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Jls0320 posted 11/11/2013 11:54 AM

I posted my story recently, but I'm wondering if it's ever ok to contact the OW?

H has a "friend" from work that I found hundreds of texts (on our phone logs) to recently, had barely ever heard her name mentioned before so this was shocking. He swears it was just friends, but I don't know. All these texts were on weekends, evenings while with me etc. I feel it would help me to talk to her but he doesn't want to involve work in our issues which I do understand. She knows I have issue with the texting because he has told her to stop...

nowiknow23 posted 11/11/2013 12:13 PM

What would be the point of you contacting her?
To gather information?
To tell her to stop?
Some other reason?

Really examine your motivation in wanting to reach out to her before you take any action.

Jls0320 posted 11/11/2013 12:18 PM

I guess I just want to know what she would say about their relationship. I'm not angry with her, he's the one that crossed boundaries in our marriage

sudra posted 11/11/2013 12:24 PM

I just read your other thread. The answer to your question, IMO, is yes, it is okay to contact the other woman in some cases.

Not in yours. You cannot trust this woman. You don't know the status of your marriage and she will have no incentive to help you. She will tell your husband and their relationship will go underground and you will never get any info.

Read the 180 and consider doing that. He is continuing to cheat and confronting the OW in that instance is not helpful.

Gather your information in other ways if you feel you need more. Get cell phone logs, hack into his phone, email, facebook, use a keylogger, whatever you can to get your info and confront him.

IMO, he is cheating, no doubt. What that happens, he and his AP view YOU as the outsider. She is never going to tell you the truth and together they will figure out a way to hide things even better.

Good luck.

FightingBack posted 11/11/2013 12:26 PM

Of course it is OK, but I'm not sure if it would be wise or even helpful to you.

After reading your other post, I would think that this is the time to tread carefully and thoughtfully.

Your H has done more things than it would take for me to think that he is not telling the truth. Not saying that he IS lying, but personally I would seriously doubt that you are getting the WHOLE truth. His porn pics and hook-up site use on the net is enough to make me throw him out if I were married to him.

Are you dealing with this or has it been pushed under the rug?

If you are ready for the truth, then continue investigating, but speaking to possible OW may only serve to make more secrecy between them necessary.

It might be helpful to find out if she is married. The texting may not mean a physical affair has happened, but it sounds like it could be heading that way. In any case, the texting sounds extremely inappropriate and dangerous. if she is married, I think her husband should know about it also.

As far as "involving work in our issues", he has already done that.

If his top priority is not to protect you and your marriage, he may already have checked out.

Jls0320 posted 11/11/2013 12:28 PM

I had a key logger, but he found it and deleted it. I check phone records, email etc. my problem is I had no idea of any of his secret accts, so who knows if there are more. He uses his phone so much but history can be deleted even if I can get my hands on it. I'm going insane with all the unanswered questions, he says there is nothing to discuss or admit to because he's done nothing wrong

Jls0320 posted 11/11/2013 12:32 PM

She is single. I've been dealing with it, but he thinks everything is fine. I contacted a counselor and she says we should seek counseling separately, suspects he has a sexual addiction of sorts and he needs to work through that before marital counseling. I start seeing her alone next week.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/11/2013 13:07 PM

I feel it would help me to talk to her

Why do you feel it would help?
Do you feel that she would give you more clear answers as to what is going on?
Do you want to tell her to stop?

he doesn't want to involve work in our issues

See, this I would be suspicious of. I would be willing to bet he is not being completely honest with you and he is highly against you contacting her because he doesn't want for you to discover more.

She knows I have issue with the texting because he has told her to stop

How would she know this? Did you see the texts he sent her telling her to stop, or did he tell you he told her to stop texting? It seems to me that if he told her to stop, he has been giving her mixed messages by telling her to stop one day and then texting her back hundreds of times the next. I would be willing to bet that this isn't entirely true either.

I doubt contacting her would be helpful to you. If I were you, I would bug his phone so you can read texts. Keep a recorder in his car, so you can hear conversations. Put a key logger on the computer so you can read e-mails. Gather more information and then confront HIM, not her.

sudra posted 11/11/2013 13:09 PM

Please read the 180. It might be time to consider setting some boundaries to protect yourself.

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Very helpful and eye-opening.

How much are you willing to put up with?

undonelife posted 11/11/2013 13:17 PM

I would tell him that contact with her is painful for you. Ask him to block her on his phone and see how he reacts. If he is defensive, then that means trouble. Unless they are required to work together on a project there is not reason for them to be communicating. And, if they are on projects together he can asked to be assigned elsewhere away from her. The behaviour is inappropriate. I wish I'd found texts before my WH went physical with his OW. My advice it not to sit around and wait for it to go physical.

Dreamland posted 11/11/2013 20:24 PM

I contacted her and told her to keep her hands off my H but I also had a detective follow her ass and her family. Then I crafted a letter to all her coworkers and my husbands coworkers exposing her as a skanky husband chasing Ho. She kept texting him so I showed up at her house and physically confronted her and her mother and sent the emails infront of her. I ended up scaring the shit out of her she left him alone.
But my WH stopped .. NC the minute I found out...I also threatened to chop my WH dick off if he ever went near her. I have a hot Spanish temper.. So my scorned fury is beyond.
I didn't give her a chance she kept telling me she was innocent and I laughed as I sent copies of her text.
I put it out there before she could react.
Good luck. I wish we could start a wives kick ass club.. Especially for these single scumbag bitches that have no life.

Jls0320 posted 11/11/2013 21:15 PM

What is the 180 you all mention?

sudra posted 11/12/2013 06:21 AM

To find the 180, look at the yellow box on the upper left side of the screen and click on "The Healing Library." At the top, click on FAQ for BS. The 180 is #11. But read them all.

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