But after a marathon session of the same - over and over again - she still thinks i don't get it …..
I know the hurt i caused, i see it, i hear it, i feel it ….
How do i be empathetic through all the hurt that i caused, and all the hurt we are causing each other ….
Do you know why AA is successful for helping alcoholics?
Because it's one drunk helping another! They get it when it comes to the inability to stay sober. They understand each other because they've walked in the same shoes. They have empathy for each other! I know, I've been a clean and sober member of AA for 31 years now....
Why does your wife say you don't get it when she's talking to you? Because you don't. You've never been betrayed! Your not a member of that club, because you're actually the perpetrator. Make sense? Its like AA, you don't know unless you've walked in those shoes....
Look, this is a process much like working the 12 steps. You work at cleaning up the mess that you've created by working a recovery program. The solution for you is you must work the steps... All 12! In quick order too.... And you must find a marital recovery program similar to the AA program to help with the marital recovery.
I only know what worked for my marriage, and we used the Marriage Builders Program for recovering our marriage.
I highly recommend you STOP defending yourself or you will never find empathy.
Do you defend why you drank? Of course not, there is no excuse.
Do you examine and answer questions? Yes!
If you are defensive, then you still are rationalizing why you did what you did. And there is no rationalization for it.... Find a way to stop your defensiveness....
When questions arise,,,,,Answer sincerely, being rigorously honest with yourself and with your wife, just like AA teaches. No defense, no excuses. With one caveat, when done answering questions, remind your wife that your not that same person today.... You might not get it all yet, but your still not that same person....
As has already been mentioned, be very patient with her. She has been deeply wounded.
*Empathy starts when you realize YOU are currently one of her greatest sources of pain and yet she stays with you hoping you will again become one of her greatest sources of love.
*Empathy starts when you are aware that the only time she doesn't think about the adultery, during the first two years, is when she's asleep.....
Stay the course, One day at a time!