Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: Separate?
WaWaNJ
♀ 28820
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my atty today. I told her we were going to work towards R. But, she felt I should still file for S.

I am afraid to pull the trigger. He wants to work on it (bc I caused his floosy to leave, but he was "so in love")

I want a fairytale, I want a white picket fence. I want a happy household where the parents take care of themselves and the kids are happy.

I was ready to move out and had given my deposit to a LL who just didnt work out. I had another one to go to but in that time his GF left and now he wants R. I think separation might be the right LEGAL idea regardless if we work on our relationship.

But, I dont want it to be. Am I holding onto that which is nothing? Has anyone BTDT? I have a 5yo I dont wan to pull her from the school system. My friends and family are less than thrilled at the idea of R (his family is the same, just on his side)

Its so sad. why not leave the first time. WHY NOT LEAVE instead of CHEAT?

Am I trying to save something thats not there? Is Legal separation my best chance... FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER?


Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you can know that answer. Just think about being his Plan B- does he only want R because the OW left him and he doesn't want to be alone?

Protect YOU. He isn't going to.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3630 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
WaWaNJ
♀ 28820
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Only I can know

And that's what's so hard.

I don't know


Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is hard. No one wants to pull the plug on their M erroneously, or even start down that potential path with separation. However, listen to your head and gut instincts. Leave your heart out of it. Watch his actions, not his words. A separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce. It says you are serious about not accepting his behavior and YOU are taking steps to protect yourself and your daughter should he not take the steps to change his behavior. Imagine what could happen if you don't and he doesn't change? He could run up debt as well as spend marital assets while still philandering. Then you have to deal with the emotional hurt as well as the financial issues because you will be on the hook for half the debt and may lose more assets.

Unfortunately, no one knows your situation better than you, but you need to consider the worst case scenario and try to protect yourself and your daughter. It sucks.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Take2
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, November 11th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he wants to work on it... but what is he doing? What is he willing to do?

I think you have good reason to pause...(by which I mean separate and watch his actions) but only you can decide that.

[This message edited by Take2 at 6:21 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4165 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
WaWaNJ
♀ 28820
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no money. There is nothing to lose. I fear my atty is just suggesting this to make money but I am not sure.
I don't wNt to go is right but this second affair is a doozy.


Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing to lose.

Perhaps not financially, but there can be devastating emotional consequences for both you and your daughter...

It's tough, but you really are the only one that can determine what is best. Some people see infidelity as a deal breaker and call it quits right away, some stick it out for various reason. I stuck it out for years before I finally said enough was enough. You will know when you have had enough, but being in limbo can be painful and suck the life right out of you.

Legal separation WILL protect you legally as well as spell out visitation, CS, possible SS, etc. If he is being reasonable and is willing to be amicable about the agreement, now might be the time to bring him to the table from a strategy perspective because sometimes when you do "pull the trigger," D can bring out the absolute worst in people. Something to consider.

None of us wanted to be here, and we all wanted the fairytale. Sometimes it just does not work out that way. But just remember that you have a lot of support here to help you through this difficult time.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Dreamboat
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want a fairytale, I want a white picket fence. I want a happy household where the parents take care of themselves and the kids are happy.

I know you do. I thought I had it. Then my X killed my fairy tale and brought OW into the M.

You have to let go of this fairy tale. You can mourn it, but you have to let it go. Even if you do R it will never be rainbows and butterflies. It will be a very different M than they one you had and the M that you envisioned for the future before you discovered WS betrayal.

Only you can decide what is right for you. But either way that you go I want you to go in with your eyes wide open. Neither path is easy.

(((hugs)))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is this: he is using you for a backup plan, because things didn't work out with OW. If OW didn't dump him, he'd still be with her.

Don't be anyone's backup plan, ever.

Take it from me: For OW#1, she didn't know about me, and when she found out about me, she dumped him like a hot potato. I took him back. We went to IC and MC, and he swore he would spend the rest of our life making it up to me.

I believed him. I stayed. 6 years later, I found out about OW#2. I regret every day that I did not leave after the first OW. I would have been so much further along.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3477 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
WaWaNJ
♀ 28820
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my atty to file.

My heart is broken.


Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. It's such a gut-wrenching decision. (((HUGS)))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WaWa)))
Take one day at a time (sometimes just the morning..then afternoon... then evening). It will get easier.
and you know what you CAN have that white picket fence, and happy household where the mom takes care of herself and the kids are happy. During my D I was so sad about the fairytale life that I had lost and the future that would never happen. But a year later I realized that I still got my fairytale (just without the "prince") and my life is exactly how it should be.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.