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stillprettyupset posted 11/11/2013 19:09 PM

Long story short, she cheated twice in 2 years. I have had to catch her both times and ferret out my own information. We were reconciling and talking openly but she resents having to walk on eggshells because I don't always trust her. Most recent discovery was Sept 19th. WTF?
She also refuses to acknowledge that our marriage problems and her infidelity are two separate issues. So, now I'm the inflexible bastard that wants to end the marriage. Grrrr.

brkn_heartd posted 11/11/2013 19:47 PM

I am sorry you are here. Until she accepts her part there is nothing you can do to move towards R if that is what you want. If this is a repeated event, do you want to R? Your last sentence makes me think you are at the end. Expose the A's and walk away. The truth will reveal itself.

Jrazz posted 11/12/2013 02:24 AM

Is counseling an option right now? She's pretty far from being realistic about any of this.

She may be accusatory, but don't you take any of that on. Do what you need to protect yourself. She ended the marriage when she cheated. You're not the bad guy.


stillprettyupset posted 11/12/2013 04:11 AM

I want to make it work but there are so many stumbling blocks between here and moving forward, I don't even know if reconciliation is possible. She and I both agreed to counseling but now the search for someone is on and it seems like she is sabotaging the effort. This one is out of network, that one is biased, too short, too fat, too damn many excuses. Every time we make a little progress, and I get some hope, bam...we run into another wall. After the first affair came to light, all our marital problems did too. I was constantly sick and depressed as a result... surgery fixed that. I was unemployed, a new job fixed that. But work took me on the road three weeks a month and just made things worse. More distance in the marriage and an opening for this most recent debacle.

HurtsBad posted 11/12/2013 11:26 AM

I am mad for you. My XW was gutless. Wouldn't leave OM, wouldn't come back to the M.

I tried for months to 'nice' her back. And in the end, I had to be the one to pull the trigger and file for D.

Stay strong, brother.

Truly posted 11/12/2013 11:36 AM

Well, just looking at ACTIONSto demonstrate remorse...and I don't see any.

Shouldn't she be moving heaven and earth to let you know how important this is to her and to fix?

Shouldn't you be made to feel like the hero? The prize?

Go off to your own IC. You can't attend MC with someone wearing a blindfold.

Activate a 180 and get moving with YOUR it, it feels GOOD!


stillprettyupset posted 11/15/2013 11:03 AM

Thanks for the advice and kind words, all. It really does help. Took a few days to cool down and think rationally.

She sent a NC and even forwarded his response. She cried openly when I told her how affected I am by the affair (sorry, not ready to trivialize that word with a letter just yet). I have seen nothing on her phone or email recently. She asks what she can do to prove she is being faithful.

I have seen a glimmer of hope, but I still can't help but wonder what anonymail or burn phone I haven't found yet. Is their affair really over? Has she moved on to some new guy? Am I just being stupid in trying to forgive only to be burned again? Distancing and going my own way is the root of the marital problem, a 180 sounds like a terrible idea. Will MC help her own up to her responsibility for the affair or is it doomed before it starts?

I thought I was one badass camper before this. I'm learning that I ain't so tough.

heme posted 11/15/2013 11:20 AM

As my WH told me after DDay, yes I was responsible for 50% of our problems prior to the affair but he was 100% responsible for the affair. Nothing I did or didn't do made him cheat, he choose to cheat and he has to make the amends for it..

If she isn't willing to take full and absolute responsibility for the affair I don't see how things could change.

stronger08 posted 11/15/2013 12:23 PM

Bro, nothing is going to change unless you bring the hammer down hard. So she cries a little bit, then she blameshifts the A on you and the M. She says she wants to go to MC, but does not like any of the ones you find. What she wants to do is make believe it never happened and go on her merry way. If she is anything like my XWW she might even find a MC that see's things her way. My XWW found one that had no business in couples therapy. The MC was basically a man hating bitch. When I would get angry because my XWW would lie or when I was explaining to her how devious my XWW was she would tell me I was the one with issues. That I needed anger management. Of course I was angry, my W was fucking another guy. You have to shop around and find one that specializes in infidelity. And even if you do, unless your WW is committed to fixing herself none of it means shit. Its been my personal experience that a WS needs motivation to change. And there is no better motivator then telling her if she cant or wont do what's needed then her ass has to go. But you cant make idle threats. You have to mean what you say. Right now your WW is flying high on 2 affairs in a row. That's not gonna be an easy thing to recover from. Especially if she refuses to give 110%. I would suggest you take a little time to think about what it is that YOU want. If you decide to R then make a list of demands that you need in order to R. Total transparency has to be one of them in my opinion. She lost her right to privacy when she slept with another guy. There can not be any negotiations or deals with your WW. Cheaters are emotional terrorists. And we all know you don't negotiate with terrorists. Lay down the law and if she is game she must agree to everything you ask of her. If not you must be prepared to move on and D her. And if you do decide to D make sure you have your ducks lined up prior to dropping the bomb on her. And there is no shame in wanting to D. Especially after 2 affairs. Bottom line here is that she can promise you the world, she can cry rivers. But if her actions don't match her words, then its all a bunch of bullshit.

What you need to do now is make your own healing a priority. No matter which way your M goes, you must be number one. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst is always a good piece of advice. And don't be too proud or embarrassed to seek help if you need it. I too thought of myself as a tough guy. I have seen some pretty nasty shit in my days. But this infidelity shit threw me for a loop. It took me many months to accept the fact that I needed help. I sought IC and got on some meds. Things changed for the better for me after that. Don't make the same mistakes I did in allowing my XWW to run the show and not getting myself the help I needed. Infidelity can and does destroy not only marriages, but ones entire life as well. Careers are lost, children are damaged, financial ruin etc. are all byproducts of infidelity. There is not enough booze in the world to make this go away. You can knock out 100 dudes and still your gonna feel the same way. But what does that get you ? You become a drunk and wind up in jail. So don't sweat it because your feeling weak. We all go through that and its perfectly normal.

Just try and take care of yourself. Your in no rush to make a decision. Figure out what it is that you want to do. Once you do that stay the course till the end. I'm sorry you find yourself here. But this is a great place to be. Please keep posting and reading. It really does help.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 12:26 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

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