But... in a different forum this time - not R. My last post on SI was in November of 2008. I don't even know where to begin. I just know after this latest episode and the emotional pain I was in last night (and much self-loathing) I was asking myself how I could be so stupid as to be in this position yet again, why it could possibly still hurt so much and be so devastating and how I would survive... and then I remembered this site and these people and how I wouldn't have survived the last time(s) nor be where I am today w/out it. I have been on here reading posts off and on all day and am already being reminded of all the things I learned before but oh so quickly "forgot" after he sucked me back into his sick game.
I will try to make a long story short... we have been married for 16 years, together for 18+ w/four kids aged 17,16,16 (yes, twins) and 11. He has been cheating on me since the beginning. And I have been "buying" his bullshit apologies, lies, manipulations, blame, etc., etc. etc. since the beginning. No more. He will never change. He's sick. He's cruel. And I am ashamed of myself for taking his abuse for nearly 20 years. But I'm also very very sad because this is the end. And then I feel stupid for being so sad and broken and emotional. But I'm also VERY angry. Like I fucking hate him right now. I will chew my tongue out of my head to not bad talk him in front of our children but I truly wish he'd just fucking die and get out of my life right now. And I'd like to shout that from the rooftops but I'm trying to be the better person... and a good parent... and protect my housing/financial situation right now.
I guess my long story short is going to not be so short but I feel like I need to say/write it if for no other reason than I NEED to be in the reality of my "marriage" - not the fantasy that I wish it was. Or ever was. Before we were even married there was "questionable behavior". But I never had definitive proof and he made me feel like a crazy jealous girlfriend. In retrospect, and with the things I've learned on SI, all the signs were there. He has also admitted to some of the cheating/affairs - mostly just what I know for sure though as he's never been forthcoming w/information so ... I got pregnant then pregnant again (w/twins so we had 3 babies in less than a year - seriously) then we got married and he spent a great deal of time convincing me everything would be different because now we were married. His behavior got shittier in different ways - like he could be verbally abusive then cold and distant and then he just basically "checked" out - working all the time, never around, etc. At some point, in my infinite wisdom, I decided I wanted another baby so when our boys were 4,4, and 5 I had my daughter. I was basically a single parent, we were flat broke, and I was borrowing money from my dad all the time and cleaning my best friend's house weekly so I could buy groceries and asshat could play cowboy. He worked as a ranch hand and rodeoed. He grew ever more distant emotionally and physically and we started fighting constantly. I went from being a raging bitch one minute to a begging pleading pathetic person the next. I was SO lonely and it just felt like something was so so wrong. But he wouldn't talk to me. Then when our daughter was 15 months old we had a huge fight one night and he walked out. For a month I heard almost nothing from him. He saw the kids almost never, gave me a little money but spent lots of money in the bar. Then after I had a panic/anxiety attack one day I decided to pull my head out of my ass and get some help - medication, counseling, etc. Then he decided to start coming back around once in awhile (basically because everyone was telling him what a puke he was for abandoning his kids) he was absolutely cruel to me. Told me how awful I was, couldn't stand me, etc. I was in shock but then just started moving on w/my life and started accepting my marriage was over - BOOM he confesses one night he was "seeing" someone. Blames me for everything though, of course. Now I'm going to cut it short(er) - when I said I'm done - he all of a sudden wants to "fix" it - but it was many months of his lying and still seeing her plus I found out she wasn't the only one. Needless to say I ended up taking him back but started seeing a counselor (by myself because at this time he had still had me convinced there was something wrong with me). I also started working part-time and went back to school. It was a nice distraction for me. About 3 years later - BOOM he gets a call from a girl one night who is pissed at him cause he called her a whore - I had picked up another extension when I saw his face go white and heard him mutter "oh, God, please don't do this" ... I kicked him out and he lived w/a friend for about 2 months all the while kissing my ass and working on "fixing" it. Yep, I took him back, AGAIN. He can be so very charming and knows exactly what to say/do to manipulate my clearly damaged emotional needs. To add insult to injury people would tell me things about my husband during these times of separation - what a pig he is, making sick sexual comments to women, etc. --As I type this I am sick to my stomach and so fricking pissed at MYSELF. How much humiliation do I need???? Well, clearly A LOT. And a couple years later guess what?? I just had that feeling in my gut. His behavior was giving me clues. I just knew. So I started snooping and it didn't take long - BOOM I found texts on his phone. Then I printed the bill - holy shit - 2 girls, hours of phone calls. He denied, gaslighted, blamed (my fault for snooping) then I called the girls and got some truth. So I told him I was done and wanted a divorce. He moved into our spare room and I started living like a single girl - going out, etc. all the while he is kissing ass and trying to "fix" it again. Well one night I got real close to stooping to his level and I made myself physically ill. I am not that kind of person. So then I took him back AGAIN. -- anyone else wondering what the fuck is wrong w/me at this point, cause I sure am!! But this time I got serious. Lots of counseling (for myself- he went a couple of times), I finished my degree, and I really concentrated on being a great mom, wife, etc. (anybody see a pattern of blaming myself here - gee, if I just fix what's wrong w/me, everything will be just fine), and I found this site. And it really helped me to understand so many things. But I knew deep down he hadn't really done the work needed - just enough to appease me and get himself back in the door.
So we floated along for a couple of years. Me w/my counseling for awhile and then my antidepressants and mood stabilizers (cause you know this is still a problem about me - not my reaction to his abusive behavior)- and then I started to get that feeling in my gut again. I knew something wasn't right. He was pushing my buttons, picking fights, being distant... all his typical signs. And you know what I did?? I GOT MORE MEDICATION. I basically numbed the holy shit out of myself. Checked out, basic functioning. As our finances got worse I was so tired of asking him for money or borrowing from my dad I just stopped paying a lot of the bills. This went on for nearly a year until a good friend of mine visited from out of town and she looked around my house and said "what the hell is going on?" Snapped me out of it pretty damn quick so I weaned myself off the meds and rejoined the land of the living. It was not fun to face reality. I started insisting that he engage and contribute in our lives - this did not please him. Same old pattern of behavior but I could not bring myself to snoop this time and I figured sooner or later he'd get sloppy and caught. He did. He spent the last year in a beer bottle. While our kids spent lots of time alone cause I was working 2 jobs. Then he got too drunk and too sloppy and - BOOM. He got caught. But this time my kids are older and we live in a fairly small town and he publicly humiliated all of us.
This happened at the end of August and I kicked him out. After he (supposedly) came out of his fog this time he has been (in his mind) diligently trying to fix it, again. But this time I stuck to my guns. I set real boundaries and stuck to them. Don't care what you SAY I need to SEE real change. He quit drinking and has been seeing a counselor as have I. He hangs out at the house w/the kids when I'm working in the evening and then leaves to go back to his house after they go to bed. Well the last couple of weeks he seemed to be backing away/getting cold/distant again but denied repeatedly there was anything "wrong" and was still working to fix our marriage. Last week we had our first and last joint counseling session w/our respective counselors. He came in and blindsided all of us. Said he just doesn't really see how this is going to work, he thinks he's "done". I am COMPLETELY HUMILIATED. I feel like the world's biggest fucking fool. And I'm hurt and devastated and that makes me feel even stupider.
So now here I am. Back here again. I have been very clear and trying really hard to have no contact w/him right now. I hate him and feel like I will never get away or get over him if I keep listening to his bullshit. I have told him to not contact me in anyway unless it has to do w/the kids or finances. I told him he can come get the kids or have them meet him somewhere or go to his house absolutely anytime (they are old enough) but he is no longer to hang out at my house. The thing is I worry A LOT about this situation. The house we live in is provided by his employer and he has made comments in the past in anger about it being "his" house - he just basically is letting me stay here out of the kindness of his heart. He has also said he is doing all of this for me - he just doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Boy, he sure likes to do me favors. ha
PLEASE help me stay strong