I know that many of you believe that my h is being manipulative. I understand that, without seeing for yourself, living with him for all these years and knowing his foo, it does appear that way. From the outside I would think so too. Sometimes I do think that myself, I doubt, I question, I look for the actions.
MC yesterday was very eye opening, I felt like I gained some understanding of him, of what he is doing internally.
He has lived this way his whole life. Pushing back the emotion and running away as soon as the feelings threatened to surface. Anger is his "go to" emotion, his protection. His defense against his fear. He is afraid. He created this mess with his choices. If he wants to continue this marriage with me he must change.
He is changing, this is all new to him. He is not running from it. He still has a long way to go and he knows this.
His statement of, "I know I have not done enough" does not mean "I am choosing not to", it means I am doing more than I have ever been able to before, I am trying, I want to give you what you need, I am still learning, I am not giving up.
He said to me yesterday, "please be patient, you have been so patient, don't give up yet". He is trying, maybe not in my way but in his.
He is learning to feel. He has never allowed himself to feel. It is overwhelming. He feels and then he doesn't know what to do with it, hasn't a
clue as to how to express it. He did well in MC with some help.
He says that he wants his actions to come from him, he wants them to be from his heart. When he says,"I will", he is not procrastinating, he just doesn't have the instinct, it does not come naturally. What comes naturally is to run.
The biggest change, when he runs, he does not keep running, he comes back. He is recognizing what he is doing and trying to change it. He is beginning to show empathy and compassion. He is trying. He is learning in his way.
In MC yesterday, having MC, confirm to me, it made sense to me, helped me to be able to see and understand what is happening inside him. Helped me to see what h has trouble expressing. Helped me to see the changes that are happening internally.
When he says, "what about me?", he is not asking for more from me as I believed. He is saying, I am trying to change, look I am doing something I have never done in my life, I am facing myself and trying to learn to let out my feelings. He is, I see it. He talks to me now in a way that he never could before. He talks when in the past if it made him uncomfortable, made him feel he would shut it down. He is bringing up events from our past, events that he always minimized or blamed me for. He is taking responsibility and apologizing for them. He is looking at his whole life and facing who he was.
He does not want to be that man anymore. He wants to change. He is afraid, the emotions that I am able to express to him terrify him. He is sticking with it, sometimes he runs, but he comes back, we are beginning to be able to work through it, it doesn't get buried any longer.
That is progress. Baby steps. Not where I want to be but maybe heading in that direction.
One new thing, a sign of progress. I have twitches, physical jerks when I get the "pictures" in my head. He has always avoided it, tried to just comfort with a touch. Now he wants to know what they are and what I feel. He told me that is what I need to heal. He wants me to tell him what I see and talk about how it makes me feel, he said, " I want to help you, I may not do a good job with the words but I want to try". It may seem small but he is asking for my pain, not running from it. He is being proactive and thinking about what I need, what might help me. That is a big change for him.
Forward motion, change, that is what I need right now.