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Online, honesty and elderly family members ... Advise plz

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Ann124 posted 11/12/2013 07:01 AM

Honest and OLD, Ever since my Marriage falling apart surrounded by sorted lies I have committed myself to being completely honest. Sometimes I am blatant (depending on the situation) but I just can't stand lying about anything ...

I met my SO on OLD I have tried to be honest about it but I knew deep down my family (Mom, Brothers and Sisters) wouldn't take this well - As my mom is in her early 90's and my brothers and sisters are much old then me also. I believe it is a closed minded generation thing amongst my mother watching too much drama tv and she quotes me "judge Ju#y" all the time. about this woman met a man online and was scammed out of a large sum of money. So now my brothers are calling me telling me about our mom and trying to tell me that I should break this all off.

There is no reason for any of this, in fact, I have throughly checked SO out ... I really believe that no matter where you meet anyone that you could be scammed. But now because of me trying to be honest with my mom and because of her being so paranoid no one in my family is going to give SO a chance ... My life will now become their (my families) new stirred gossip of drama!

So my big mistake is I tried to be honest and I told my mom that I met SO online but she started to have a panic attack and blow a gasket. So I quickly back tracked to we met through mutual friends and then emailed at great length. So now my mom is on a "witch hunt" and telling all my brothers/sisters that I met him online and that he is going to take me to the bank or I am going to end up dead ... etc.

I just don't know what to do ... I don't want the drama and I want to be honest but it is going to just makes things worse.

Any advise would be great as I just want to crawl into a hole for trying to be honest with her and now for her stirring a mess about her fears of me meeting him online ... Grrr I love family but yet there are moments like this when I didn't.

itainteasy posted 11/12/2013 07:29 AM

A simple, "my private life is mine. I am old enough to make my own decisions, and I am a fairly good judge of character. I am choosing to spend time with this person, and I expect you to treat him as you would any friend of mine- with politeness, dignity, and respect."

And if they can't, then they don't see that much of you.

I met my fiance online. We've been together 10 years, and I haven't been scammed nor am I dead!

Good luck!!

cmego posted 11/12/2013 08:10 AM

The stigma of OLD is only with "older" folks. The way I look at it is I'm "normal", it is just difficult to meet people as a full time mom and student. There are bound to be other men like me. You really don't know anyone you've met, regardless of how you meet them. Hell, look at me! My ex is gay!

A simple, "I know it sounds weird to you, but it is how people meet all of the time now. I am cautious, I checked him out, just try and be nice to him."

Honesty is always best.

Ann124 posted 11/12/2013 08:24 AM

Thank you both, I just needed a reality check.

I just got off the phone with my mom and told her I will be over tonight after work and that I need to talk to her about SO and I. I told her that I lied and I need to straighten this all out before it goes any further...

I just have to carry my confidence with me throughout the day to face her ... She has always put "fear" into me and I just need it to quit. For all the challenges I have faced with my X, and many other things ... It is about time I take the next step and stand up to my mother and not live in her fear of life no matter what she thinks.

Thank you everyone once again for your strength, encouragement and positive thinking!

NaiveAgain posted 11/12/2013 08:26 AM

I am sure your family is just worried about you which is nice, but at this point, your life is your life. You are old enough to make your own mistakes and deal with your own consequences. Therefore, if things don't work out well with your SO, you are a big girl and you will handle it.

They need to allow you to live your own life. Tell them that you love them and you appreciate their concern, but this is your choice to make and you would love to have their support. Also, ask them to not make judgments until they get to know someone. You were online too and you are not a stalker, user, or murderer.....

better4me posted 11/12/2013 12:14 PM

I agree honesty is best, the truth always comes out eventually. I'd use some of the things other's have written as the script tonight "I know you are worried, I'm okay. I'm smart I've checked SO out. This is how people meet nowadays" or something like that.

She has always put "fear" into me and I just need it to quit.
You are not in control of your mother's reactions/fears/behavior/words etc. Don't go into this expecting her to respect your boundary. Set it anyway, just don't expect her to change...your siblings reactions may not change either, but I'd be more apt to go very direct with them and just tell them to butt out!

Ann124 posted 11/13/2013 06:36 AM

Thank you again everyone for your help.

I did talk with my mom and she didn't like it much. but I basically told her that I am happy and I am not willing to compromise that no matter how I met SO and that it is my decision for me.

One of my brothers was there, not for all of the conversation but later he called me to talk. And I told him the truth (which felt pretty dang good) He didn't like how I met SO, he went off the deep end ... Grrr...

All I can say is that they will get over it!

Thank you all again for giving me strength ...

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