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T/j if you don't like your kids S.O.

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tushnurse posted 11/12/2013 07:59 AM

What if you don't like your kids?

I know I have voiced concerns about my son multiple times and he is actually doing quite good right now, and I am almost certain he is going to be quite a great man. (he's 16 and is becoming a human again).

But sweet Baby Jesus - Help me with this female child of mine. (14) She is just plain evil. She dislikes the entire family, and never has a nice thing to say to any of us, unless she is getting what she wants, then she won't shut up, she babbles incesently about her friends, and people at school. Then when you ask her to be quiet so you can hear the weather report she gets all offended and stomps off to her room.

She is really quite unpleasant, which is sad because as a little girl she lived her life in a musical. Singing and dancing her way through the world. She is still singing, and is in the top choir at the high school, but the joy and carefree happy girl is gone. I see glimpses, I just hope she comes back before she's 18. Not sure I will survive it otherwise.

Honestly she was offended and pissed off because I asked her to empty the dishwasher!!! Who would do that, it's a chore that takes 5 minutes tops. Oh yaH as Self Centered 14 year old girl.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 11/12/2013 08:13 AM

My best friend has a dd 4 years older than mine. She used to tell me how much she disliked her - I think she even used the word hate now & then! I remember thinking OMG I cannot believe any mom could dislike/hate their dd... Then mine turned about 15! Oy Vay!

All I can say is it does pass. My dd & I are very close - NOW, but it was a long road getting there. Her teenage attitude was AWFUL. Her sense of entitlement HORRENDOUS. The eye rolls, the yelling, the *I hate you's* that came from both girls' mouths...

They are 25 & 22 now. Both are very assertive - the younger a bit too aggressive (gosh don't know where she got that from But we have very honest relationships, which is the best way to be.

Hang in there!

metamorphisis posted 11/12/2013 08:33 AM

I remember reading somewhere that with a teen, ignore the attitude when you make a request, as long as they are still doing what you asked. I don't know how I feel about it, but instead of engaging when I got the eye roll , I let it slide if she still emptied the dishwasher. Basically because whether she was aware of it or not, she wanted me to engage, and it was pointless.

DD was surly, but mostly passive aggressive. She wouldn't outright defy a request for help or a chore.. she would just "in a minute.." me until it was 3 hours later .

This weekend we did a deep clean of the house for company coming, and every single thing I asked that child to do was met with a "Sure mom" and done right away and done well.

It's been changing slowly but it was the first time I realized "Hey this is nowhere near as unpleasant as it used to be!!!". So there's hope. I think it helped to ignore the sass and foot stomping. When it didn't turn into a big fight or result in her getting out of the request it wasn't useful to her anymore.

However, the ignoring is just a coping strategy until they decide to be human again. It kept me sane.

GabyBaby posted 11/12/2013 08:59 AM

When my DD turned 13 or so, she went from a sweet little girl to a demon with my daughter's face. There wasn't a single day that we didn't fuss or argue over some stupid little thing.

Fast forward to her first year in college. She went away to school and by her first visit back home, she'd had a real look at everything we'd done for her and how great she really had it.
She's 20 now and is back to being a real delight.

They do go back to normal...if you can survive that long!

nowiknow23 posted 11/12/2013 09:25 AM

If I could, I would hook you up with my Dad for a 5 minute conversation that would give you great hope. Meta's advice is exactly what my mom and dad did with us (they raised 6 daughters and 3 sons). None of us ended up in prison, and we are all contributing members of society today. Hang in there, tushnurse.

tushnurse posted 11/12/2013 09:36 AM

Thank you for all of your words of wisdom and support.

She is so unpleasant that I find myself avoiding asking her to be responsible for things that she should be, like cleaining up her messes in the kitchen, and doing menial chores like cleaning the Guniea Pig cage. I find it's easier to just do it, which makes my H insane.

I guess I need to do a better job of not engaging her, it's so damn hard though when you get lip on every little thing.

It's good to know she will become human again.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/12/2013 09:45 AM

Everytime I read these threads about teenager daughters I start to think that those thoughts I had about running away to Mexico and starting over, weren't that crazy. If you are having a paticuarly rough day just remember...TCD has three girls and be glad you aren't me. Ha!

tushnurse posted 11/12/2013 09:50 AM

Thanks TCD - I can tell you that I never thought I would have a girl, I always pictured myself the mother of 2 boys, and I became physically ill on the way home from the ultrasound when I found out it was a girl. LOL> And I was a good kid. But I also knew what my friends did, and how they acted, and that was what scared me.

She really is a great kid. Heart of gold, very driven to succeed, all honors classes, and great grades. She will do fine, I of course may need more alcohol to get me through.....

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/12/2013 09:57 AM

I thought I was a boy mom. I was never a girly girl and I wrestled in jr. high and high school. I could barely do my own was I going to do a girl's! I was upset when I found out my oldest was a girl, too. People always ask if we are going to keep trying until we get a boy. And I always say there is no need. Oldest DD plays travel ice hockey. The middle one and the youngest are always beating the crap out of each other. I'd be so lost with a boy now.

Maybe I should start a "Mom's of girls who would like to run away to Mexico for a few years" club.

metamorphisis posted 11/12/2013 09:59 AM

She is so unpleasant that I find myself avoiding asking her to be responsible for things that she should be, like cleaining up her messes in the kitchen, and doing menial chores like cleaning the Guniea Pig cage. I find it's easier to just do it, which makes my H insane.

YES YES YES!!! This is exactly what was going on in my house. So think of it like this.. is this really any different than a toddler? They whine, kick, scream and throw a fit to get what they want right?
In our dd's cases they KNOW they can wear us down and they start to count on it. If I back off or even worse, start yelling and lose my temper every time she tries to get out of something.. she wins. She would make it just unpleasant enough that I wouldn't even ask her anymore. My husband was ready to bang his head off a wall.
I can't remember what changed but I think at some point I realized that I was giving in or engaging and it always got the same result.
It will help you ignore her if you realize that when you do it makes her really mad.
And just like a toddler, she'll amp it up until you are ready to crack. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
I would just repeat the request.. "DD, I asked you to empty the dishwasher, thank you."
You won't see immediate results, but it will get better I promise.

metamorphisis posted 11/12/2013 10:00 AM

Oh and btw.. my daughter is delightful. People adore her, she's unbelievably kind and compassionate and very responsible. She was just a jerk to me. And sometimes I didn't like her, and sometimes she didn't like me. But overall.. we do ok.

lost_in_toronto posted 11/12/2013 10:01 AM

You describe the very reason I freaked out when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. I had SO MUCH attitude when I was younger. When I was sixteen things had started evening out. By the time I graduated from high school my mom and I were actually friendly for the first time in my life.

My poor mom. I don't know how she made it. She has told me that while she never actually considered killing me, she did think about driving her car off a bridge once or twice. I think she's mostly joking, but when I look back over my early teenage years I am not so sure.

When my two year old tells me she loves me SO MUCH I try to suck it all in and hold it close to shield me from all the I hate yous coming my way.


Mr. Kite posted 11/12/2013 10:15 AM

My son, our only child, was my best friend growing up. I spent every spare moment with him including homeschooling. Then around the age of 15 he barricaded himself in his room and only came out for food and bathroom breaks. He would sit at the computer with his head phones on and roll his eyes if I tried to get his attention. Then came the laptop and the video games.

One day at age 19 he announced that the following week he would be moving out of state and getting married. I had no clue this was coming because he had shut me out.

Since then our entire savings have been depleted to pay his and his wife's rent, food, and school expenses. For his wedding present I gave him my recording studio along with guitars, basses, microphones, and a keyboard. This totaled up to over $5,000.00. Next month we will be going to watch him graduate with honors and two bachelor's degrees(at least something positive will come out of this).

As I'm writing this I'm thinking, "What the hell?" We all want our children to have it easier than we had it and to bless them. In return all we ask for is to be thanked occasionally and respected as their parents. Maybe that will happen one day in my situation. And to think that I stayed with his lying, cheating, cold-as-ice mother, and shielded him from the truth, so that he would have a decent shot at life.

My love for him will always be there but the "like" part faded out due to his thoughtlessness and selfishness. Sometimes I want to blurt out the truth about his mother and what I sacrificed for him but I can't bring myself to put that burden on his shoulders. I put my parents through a lot of crap as well. maybe this is the payback.

Phoenix1 posted 11/12/2013 19:21 PM

DD22 was VERY unpleasant as a teenager, and I have often told all my kids that I will always love them, but I don't have to like them all the time. I did not like her as a teen. The attitude was the worst, along with back-talk - always had to have the last word on everything. It was hell, but she finally became human at 18 and actually apologized to me for being so horrible. Like yours, she was really a good kid - no drinking, drugs, very goal-oriented, in sports, good grades, etc. - but she would complain about being asked to do something longer than it would have taken for her just to shut up and do it. That one never made sense to me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though and she will emerge human again eventually! Hang in there!

Oh, and I now threaten DD with a wish that she have girl triplets that are all just like she was so she can feel the joy she gave me magnified by three!!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 7:22 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 11/13/2013 07:37 AM

Phoenix Thank your for your reassurance. That is exactly what my daughter does. She always has been an arguer, and a questioner. My H and I always would start in on the old Bugs Bunny routine when he is Chris Columbus, you know "The eartha she's a flata" "No she's a rounda". It was funny when she was small, but now she's so dang hateful with it all.

I have always told my kids I am not here to be their friend, and that I will always love them, but it is my responsiblity as a parent to make sure that they grow up to good productive members of society, and that they are kind people.

I had a glimpse of the good job we have done last night. MIL called and she wanted the kids to be servers at church event that is upcoming (we don't go to this church, but the kids have lots of friends there). Without hesitation, or a him haw, my son said "Sure Grandma we would be happy to that for you." HOW AWESOME is that???? He is 16. Had a proud momma moment.

ETA: The other one is going to loose her shit and have a high speed come apart when she finds out her brother signed her up for this.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 7:38 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

rachelc posted 11/13/2013 07:48 AM

tush - just wondering how much her Dad/your hubby is in her life dealing with her stuff? My kids had a healthy fear of their Dad and there was nothing they could get away with, not any lip, attitude or anything. He displayed some anger occasionally that kept them a little afraid of him.
Just a thought...

tushnurse posted 11/13/2013 08:59 AM

Rach- Their Dad, My H, is right by my side in dealing with her antics, and quite honestly this kid is just as stubborn, or more stubborn than her dad.

He quit putting up with her lip months ago, and she hates him, often won't even speak to him. My H has this amazing ability to let it all roll off of him. But he isn't in charge of chores, and dealing with the day to day antics.

He does intervene, and tell her she will not speak to me with disrespect, and make her apologize, and we both keep a united front. She's just an evil teen at this point. LOL

peacelovetea posted 11/13/2013 14:06 PM

Also consider that irritability can be a sign of depression. She'd probably show other signs, too, and since you are a nurse you might be aware, but I thought I'd mention it.

In the meantime -- wine for mom for a few years.

Phoenix1 posted 11/13/2013 15:29 PM

I have always told my kids I am not here to be their friend, and that I will always love them, but it is my responsiblity as a parent to make sure that they grow up to good productive members of society, and that they are kind people

And you are doing the right thing! Stick to those guns as it will pay off in the long run, even if throwing in the towel right now may seem easier because it is the path of least resistance. They WANT to wear you down and make you cave, so just don't.

I knew it was worth it when I had a elderly man that knows my kids go out of his way to stop me not too long ago. He said, "As one adult and parent to another, I just had to tell you you have done a remarkable job raising all your kids. They are some of the most pleasant, well-mannered, and focused kids I have ever had the pleasure to be around." That made me genuinely smile, but I was secretly thinking, "Boy, if you had been around DD22 as a teen you might have thought differently!" Haha! So the suffering you are going through now will pay off in the long run. It just takes plenty of deep breaths and many bottles of wine not to kill them before they emerge as beautiful adults!

Lionne posted 11/13/2013 17:44 PM

I just want to say that I don't think this is gender specific. DS #2 and I butted heads forever. Literally argued since he was 9 mos old. His teenage years were horrible, I was constantly on his back, although I tried desperately to pick my fights. SAFWH was heavy in his addictive behavior at the time and son was great at divide and conquer.

Now? He is wonderful. I have had to let him fail. I have had to let him learn things the hard way. I learned to give advice and give up the outcome. We talk about everything, he asks my opinion and listens. He's a kind and empathetic person.

My mantra was always "this too, will pass..."

Hang in there.

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