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Great, I could possibly be an OW too.

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pointofnoreturn posted 11/12/2013 08:34 AM

So I recently went back to analyze my first A. It's hard to not get emotional over it, but I started to write down red flags I missed, what I should have done, and what happened. I know the major thing is "don't have sex with someone else while in a relationship", obviously. But there were a couple of missteps prior to that that lead to that possibility.

Anyways, one red flag for me was that the guy mentioned he was recently divorced. This little fact didn't phase me at the time, but now it screams that he wasn't looking for a friend, but a replacement.

And then I got an even more horrifying thought. A common excuse for a lot of WSes that they tell to the OP is that they are divorced or in the process of a divorce, when its not true. It could very well be possible I was lied to.

I already felt sick as it is, but this is making me worry. Now I could have possibly not only ruined my relationship, but I had a hand in ruining someone else's too.

It was in 2011, so I don't want to go break NC to find out if he was in a relationship at the time. Still, my mind is plagued with various "what ifs" from not knowing.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

callmecrazy posted 11/12/2013 13:52 PM

I am a BS. OM ruined his marriage. If you were lied to, then you were not a willing participant in the failure of that relationship. You are much better off focusing on the things you did control and do. We cannot control others. I know it is still hard, but hopefully you can see that you need to continue your healthy focus on finding the red flags etc. Best of luck on your journey.

itainteasy posted 11/12/2013 14:17 PM

If you were unaware that a partner was married or in a relationship you weren't an OW.

Personally, I think "other woman/man" is reserved for people who WILLINGLY make the choice to get involved with someone that is already involved.

harrypotter posted 11/12/2013 14:26 PM

Yes, I actually found out that I was the other man after my ONS and the start of my affair. It was hard to hear and even harder when he found out and I had to sit down and talk with him and tell him about the things that his wife and I did. But that's the damage I caused, I don't think i have anything good to tell you. If you do find out that you were an OW you are not going to feel good, and you will have to except it. I know you wanna think that you didn't know so it won't hurt or your not responsible. Well your worry says something else. I do not think that you should even consider breaking NC to find out. I would agree though that you didn't know so not responsible, but I'm not sure if it will help with the guilt.

[This message edited by harrypotter at 2:28 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

What2Thnk posted 11/12/2013 16:51 PM

BS here, I second that you are not responsible if you were deceived, but something else concerns me. Why would you even consider breaking NC to find out if this is true? It feels a little like an excuse to contact your OM.

If he told you he was divorced, you should accept that and move on. If his BS contacts you, deal with it then, otherwise, leave it alone.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/12/2013 18:27 PM

I clearly stated I didn't want to contact OM to find out. Why would I? I haven't talked to him or seen his face since that very night on 2011.

The problem I'm having is not a desire to contact OM, but my uneasy feelings that I had a possibility of being a OW.

It will just have to be something I have to deal with not knowing for sure. But I wondered if I was alone in this situation or not.

BeyondBreaking posted 11/12/2013 18:56 PM


BS prespective here.

A few years ago (before meeting H), I ran into a guy I went to high school with. Shortly after running into him, he sent me a message on his facebook, telling me that he always found me attractive and wanted to go out sometime. I remember him being one of the cooler guys- I was flattered and took him up on his offer. We flirted via facebook for a bit, and eventually met up for dinner and drinks afterwards. We hooked up that night. We went out again a few more times, and hooked up (as in sex) all of those times.

Eventually, he admitted that he was in a relationship, and actually engaged. I was stunned- his facebook said that he was single, he had flat out told me he was single...I was an OW!! I found out that the facebook he messaged me with was an additional account that he used to pick up women. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life- I was so disgusted with myself.

You know what? We didn't go out long enough for me to see any signs that I should have. He lied to me multiple times, and that is not my fault. I told his fiance and he FLIPPED OUT, and accused me of ruining their relationship. Nope, I didn't. He did, when he chose to lie to me and use me and do the same to his fiance.

When my H cheated, it was online. None of the women he talked to had any idea that he was in a relationship. It either wasn't asked, or he said flat out that he was single. You know what? I don't blame those women at all. To me, it is completely different to have sex with someone knowing that they are in a relationship, and have sex with someone who you think is single.

I understand the wanting to know- but honestly, I would not break NC. He could have lied to you, and if he did, it really is not your fault. You did what you did with the information you had. Focus on your life now, who you are now, and your marriage now. Don't break NC, and don't stress about the "what if's." If he lied to you, it's 100% on him.

The fact that you are going back, reflecting on previous mistakes, and are concerned about who you may have hurt along the way shows how caring and empathetic you are, and shows that you are truly remorseful and have made some huge steps in changing. You are amazing!

RightTrack posted 11/13/2013 02:00 AM

I wouldn't contact OM, I'd call his wife.

pointofnoreturn posted 11/13/2013 09:09 AM

RightTrack: I'd love to do that, but I don't know if he was still married at the time, and if he was, I'd have no means to find out her name without breaking NC, which makes it not worth it to me. The fact that I don't know if he was still married or not is driving me crazy.

But...I guess I could just go by the definition of an OP being one who intentionally stays with a wayward knowing full well that they are cheating. I guess redefining the word is the only way to put my mind at ease.

cinnamongurl posted 11/13/2013 22:26 PM

Point, I would not contact either of them. And, gently here, NC is NC, this goes for mental NC as well. You have no proof he was married, and to find out would be allowing him some valuable real estate in your head. His marital status is no longer your concern. Spend that time working on yourself and your own relationship, any time spent thinking of him is time wasted! KWIM?

(edited for clarity)

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:29 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

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