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I am a phony and coward

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still2suspicious posted 11/12/2013 10:19 AM

And a coward.

Itís been almost 5 yrs since D-day, but I feel that healing-wise time has only been since we did MC, which was last year.

Iím a phony b/c I give the impression that all is good. Only my 2 BFFís know the truth. I AM DIEING INSIDE!

Yes, H answered questions. Yes, we read NJF. Yes, he said heís sorry and wonít do it again. The problem is I think there is more, and donít believe he wouldnít want to go down that slope again. (actually saw it this weekend, which sent me in a tailspin)

In July he decreed (not for the first time) that he will NOT talk about his Aís, or our reconnection, or any emotional shit any more!! It made him feel bad, reminded him of what he did, doesnít want to feel like shit the rest of his life, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I had an ďahaĒ moment. Said I will not bring any of it up again. And I have NOT. Not one fucking word about us, the state of our marriage, being triggered, nada. (which is so huge for me) I have not said one word about anything more deep that setting up doc appts! Not one. And I have not idea what he thinks about it. I think he is as happy as a pig in slop. Canít ask him. And at this point I donít care.

And IT IS KILLING ME!! Not the lack of discussions, but the fact that it is still all about him. That I have to be silent. How the fuck am I suppose to heal when I canít say a fucking word????

It is not that I need to talk about his Aís. But he quit MC just as we finished working on the Aís, and were suppose to start on our communication. THATís when he quit?? So we did not get to that part, and here I sit. He thinks heís done enough. I have stated many times that is not quite the case.

I am a coward in that this is NOT a M to me. We own a business, and that is the only thing that is keeping me here. We are looking to sell it, but until it sells I am stuck here. If I play the D card before then I will be financially ruined. I will have nothing to live on. My friend tells me I donít leave b/c I still care about him. Yes I do care, but for the first time in 42 yrs I do not love him. He has killed it with his selfishness. She does not understand, for me, it is all about being secure. I am 58 yrs old. I do not have the luxury of time to start over.

So I stay. And pretend. I am just not sure how much longer I can mentally do this.

I guess I am not really asking any questions.

Just need some positive words, for myself, and some of our famous SI hugs.

If you read this whole thing I thank you.

lost4now posted 11/12/2013 10:53 AM

WOW! My situation is VERY similar to yours. The only difference is.....I just couldn't pretend anymore. I put up with 5 years and 5 ddays all with the same OW and finally said that I mattered!!!! My very soul was destroyed by the cheating and deception. I could no longer look at myself in the mirror knowing that I was accepting far less from my cheating partner than I deserved! Financially......I am ruined! But....and here is the most important part.....I am finally free to be me!!!! It was KILLING ME too!! I laugh now. I am the mother I should be to my children now. I am the daughter to my parents I should be now. I am the sibling I should be now. I AM FINALLY FREE!!!!

I worry daily about finances and I know that I will struggle financially for quite some time. It is a SMALL price to pay for an authentic life!

I know it is hard and everyone's decisions are different. I know your struggle!!! I was there too. Whatever you decide, you need to do what is best for YOU. Noone else but you. Maybe once the business dissolves you will be in a better place to strike out on your own! It is NEVER too late to write a new chapter!!!!


tesla posted 11/12/2013 12:09 PM

You are not a phony nor are you a coward.

You have simply figured out what you want...a voice. So start making plans. Can you have that voice and life in your marriage? Can you plan an exit strategy after the business is sold?

Do you go to IC for you?

It's never too late to decide to live for you!!

still2suspicious posted 11/12/2013 12:42 PM


since I do not believe H can pull his head out of his ass before the business sells I do plan on being free once it is all said and done! I just don't want to look at him the rest of whatever life I have left knowing that I have censor myself, cushion him and his feelings, etc. I have always caved. Altho I can go from sweet to bitch in the blink of an eye! I also know a lot of how he is becoming to due to FOO, but hell who doesn't have FOO's?


It's funny b/c I always had a voice, and used it, in our M. Since his fuckedupiness I have just become more and more silent. Not worth the fight, nor my energy. Him continuing to run and hide has just gotten to be too much for me to keep trying.

Thanks to SI, and my BFF, I have an exit plan. In fact my stash is growing quite nicely
Once we sell I will be set. I can go work part-time with anything I enjoy.

I want someone to talk with, to laugh with, to make love with. With H it's 1 out of 3, we laugh. I want the whole package, not just parts.

I have always said I knew what he was thinking. Well, after this latest shit I learned I don't know squat, and I am done trying.

StillLivin posted 11/12/2013 13:12 PM

You already know what you need to do. Bide your time, get your ducks in a row, and oh, yeah 180.
Remember that old saying our parents handed down to us? It goes, "If you can't say anything nice, than don't say anything."
Well, since he wants you to be "nice"....
180 180 180.
You will get through this, and you will be both happy and secure. Just strategize carefully.

Phoenix1 posted 11/12/2013 14:09 PM

he decreed (not for the first time) that he will NOT talk about his Aís, or our reconnection, or any emotional shit any more

Oh sweetie, that usually means he is hiding more! I got that same statement. XPOS just didn't want me finding out more of the dirt, and it meant he would have to weave his lies on the spot answering my questions and he didn't want to do it. His answer? Stop talking about it so as to deflect my inquiring questions.

I "pretended" for more than five years too. It sucks and drains the life out of you, especially when you keep getting punched in the gut with new discoveries (as I was) while trying to put on the "happy family" faÁade. He acted like everything was wonderful and nothing was different, but only because he was living his secret double life the whole time and had the best of both worlds. I truly understand, and you are NOT a coward! You are just trying to survive a shitty situation the best way you can. I finally had enough after latest D-Day and could not play the game anymore. It was time for me to call it quits for my own mental well-being. You will know when that is.

sparkysable posted 11/12/2013 14:21 PM

Oh sweetie, that usually means he is hiding more! I got that same statement. XPOS just didn't want me finding out more of the dirt, and it meant he would have to weave his lies on the spot answering my questions and he didn't want to do it. His answer? Stop talking about it so as to deflect my inquiring questions.

Ditto. I'm always suspicious when they start saying "we need to move on" "I don't want to have to pay for this for the rest of my life" etc. because in my case, it was because he was in another active A.

still2suspicious posted 11/12/2013 14:51 PM

Yes I do believe there is more to tell. In looking back over our history I can see "questionable" situations. Will he ever admit it, at this point? Nope. He saw what just what he told me led to, so I can't' see him admitting to anything else. Altho I did ask our MC, when I was in IC, did he believe I had the truth and he said he did. He did see H for a couple of IC's. Who knows for sure? He wouldn't be the first WS to fool a MC.

The most he could be active in would be another EA. We go to work together, and work together. Other than his golf I know where he is at all times. Hell I am the one who is always flitting off during the day! HE should be worried!
Also I have learned a LOT of ways to track him from SI, so I do have that.

I haven't found anything heart-wrenching for almost 4 yrs now. Altho the other night he did lean in a little too close to a friend. Oh well.

I am doing a version of the 180. My version. Just mundane talk, or business while at work. Otherwise silence. And he seems to be quite glad of this. I have started back up spending time with my GF's. He can make me laugh, but I find myself being genuine, and belly-laughing with my friends.

Since no one knows how long selling could take I just feel beaten down by it all. I know it will sell, damn it, just wish it will be sooner, rather than later.

Thank you all for your stories. I feel better. Knowing I am not the only one out this far and having trouble.

AppleBlossom posted 11/12/2013 15:04 PM

Far from being a coward, you are very, very brave. I hope the business sells and you have the wonderful life you deserve. 58 or not, you will find love and companionship again, I just know it.

dmari posted 11/12/2013 15:24 PM

You ARE not a phony and coward! Be proud that you posted here today! You have been honest and authentic. Sounds like you are preparing Ö AWESOME!! It sounds like you would rather live authentically then always keeping silent and living with unanswered questions. Keep moving forward, healing and rebuilding Ö you CAN do this.

wiserinsocal posted 11/12/2013 21:39 PM


Kajem posted 11/13/2013 07:20 AM

I don't see you being phony or a coward, that's him.

I see him stifling your will to take care of his dirty laundry. You want to pull it out, see the stains, treat them, wash it all, and come up with a plan to keep the laundry from getting that way again. I see that as brave.

Him dictating your behavior gives you no voice. Without a voice, you can loose yourself-you recognize that. Your trying not to loose who you are, but being in a one sided relationship drains your soul.

I see apathy. It's the opposite of love. And a way to keep yourself being authentic with yourself.

Not a phony or a coward-your giving him exactly what he wants. To bad he refuses to give you what you NEED.


still2suspicious posted 11/13/2013 14:38 PM

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

I see myself as a phony as I am not being real in this M. I have HUGE secrets from him. So I wonder how I am different from him, and his secrets? Except I am not involving a bitchface! I can keep a secret, but it is not my core, and I hate it.

I feel he has forced me into this position by him being such an asshat.

I see myself as a coward as my friends IRL think I should just leave. Easier said than done. They don't have to worry about how they will eat.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to counter my thinking. It gives me the courage, and strength, to keep going.

kajem- I love the laundry analogy. He DOES NOT do laundry, so I guess that explains it!

My voice may be silent, for now, but I will ROAR when the time is right!! And since I have never been accused of being the quiet type I imagine he will be quite shocked to hear my voice again!

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