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He got her pregant

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TeeCup posted 11/12/2013 10:42 AM

I first discovered my WS A almost 5 yrs ago when he confessed it and that OW was pregnant- to him. OMG. He was engaged to OW years ago, before we even met. I had suspected nothing. OW has been married to same man for 16 yrs. They have 4 children. She gave birth to my husband’s child in Sept 2008. It was agreed by the 4 of us that each would stay with their spouses and that OW and husband would raise child. My WS was not to have contact – ever – again. I was assured this many many times, but kept catching them being in contact numerous times throughout the pregnancy. Oh and kicker- this child was born ON me and WS 10 year wedding anniversary. He was texting all through our anniversary dinner out and I find out later that it was texting with her mother while she was in labor and delivery. OMG. I decided to stay in our marriage bc I felt things could be fixed and I didn’t see any benefits of divorce. Of course after his initial confession, I have conducted extensive detective work to discover they are in contact again each time. And each time, he had a good ‘excuse’, assured me that it isn’t like that, blah, blah, blah. Well, a few nights ago, I noticed his cell phone on kitchen counter while he was taking a nap. He let his guard down. OF COURSE I peeked into it with the password I collected a few weeks ago looking over his shoulder, just waiting for my chance. And I see a thread of texts from that same day that included both of them telling each other that they loved one another. And she even thanked him for taking her daughter (to her husband) somewhere the night before. And I even discovered in the text thread that he has taken her to NFL games and had planned on taking her and her daughter (who isn’t even his child) to a NHL game this week. They were really excited about it. OW husband is an over the road truck driver, so he is almost never home. I guess that is how all of this is easier to pull off. He assures me that he isn’t sleeping with her and that they only reason he is in her life is bc of their son, who turned 4 in September. Well, it is crystal clear to me know that this isn’t going to end and what he – although he hasn’t directly said it- seems to want to stay with me and our son and pretend like he doesn’t have this other family going on. We live in a very small town. Our kids go to same school. I am scared to death someone will discover this humiliating and disgusting situation. Most people wouldn’t have stayed after the original d-day, considering the pregnancy and all, but I did. I now realize I cannot stay. Unfortunately I am kind of trapped though because the company I worked at for over 10 years closed a year ago - I lost my job and I haven’t been able to find a new one yet. I can’t leave him without having any money. Child support wouldn’t be enough to support me and my son. And even when I find a new job, I am certain it won’t be enough money to leave him. That was one of the deciding factors in staying 5 years ago. I have no desire to be broke and have to give up my home. I feel like a trapped rat.

Sproket posted 11/12/2013 10:52 AM

I'm so sorry for you. I feel your pain in your words.
I suggest you read the 180 in The Healing Library if you had not had the chance. It helps a lot.

I suggest you call around to some lawyers, I went to one yesterday and was giving information on Spousal support.
Maybe with a combo of both Child Support, Spousal support and maybe finding a part-time job until something better comes along will help you move.

TeeCup just hold your head up.. I've been here a week this is a great place to help you get through this.

UKgirl posted 11/12/2013 11:27 AM

Hello Tee Cup and welcome to SI. You will find support and advice here, take what you want and leave the rest. There are a number of us who have suffered Old Flame Syndrome in our marriages, but you have an additional wedge shoved in there in the form of OC. There is a thread specifically for OC down in I Can Relate, OC Thread (part II). You may find some help there and find how others have and are dealing with this issue.

I suggest you get your ducks lined up. Get your own bank account and start to put money/cash away. See if you can get some free legal advice in your situation, a practice that offers the first hour for free. It’s worth spending the money if you can’t find free help because you will at least know how the land lies. And that is worth your peace of mind. Take along all financial records. Everything.

I am scared to death someone will discover this humiliating and disgusting situation. Most people wouldn’t have stayed after the original d-day, considering the pregnancy and all, but I did. I now realize I cannot stay.
Do not worry about “what people will think”. You will be able to hold your head up. You smile and say that was their bad choice and they have to live with it. Two selfish people doing things because they wanted to and they could. You can live with your conscience because you gave it your all. He didn’t. That’s not your fault. And people aren’t interested in gossiping about you for long – they’re looking for the next tidbit of conversation.

Unfortunately I am kind of trapped though because the company I worked at for over 10 years closed a year ago - I lost my job and I haven’t been able to find a new one yet. I can’t leave him without having any money.
Can you find some charity work to fill in meantime? Employers will look favourably upon you if you are spending your time usefully. There may also be an opening through meeting others in volunteer work. Write up your CV and hawk it around. Do it with a smile and “Hi, I’d like to leave this with you in case there are any openings in this company. I’d be very interested in talking to your recruitment department.” And then follow up a week later. There is a job out there for you. You just have to wheedle it out.

I do know the feeling of being trapped. Make your own life. Remember the quote: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Your WH is keeping a foot both sides of the line. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

Affairs thrive in secrecy. You could inform MOW’s BH and see spoil their little clandestine meets and chats. That will change the atmosphere of their relationship. You could keep the status quo, but tell your WH you want things out in the open. You could keep quiet and slowly die. You could throw him out and force him to make a choice. You could plot and plan your own exit.

Keep posting here. Things will become clearer over time. And then one day you will just know what to do.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:28 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

TeeCup posted 11/12/2013 11:28 AM

Thank you Sproket. I appreciate your compassion and I am so sorry for what you are going through as well. Being in the situation of A is just awful. I am very tempted to contact her husband and tell him that this is all still going on and that the child who he has been raising as his own actually knows his bio father as daddy too, but I fear that would unleash a wave of consequences that would not benefit anyone. When OW first told him of the A and the pregnancy, he went ballistic. He beat her up- I am told by my WS. My WS also feared for his own safety and even purchased a handgun. So what would her husband do now? It is unthinkable. So I am just stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. I have to kept my mouth shut and just endure this. How do I go on day to day just having to endure this? I just absolutely cannot believe I am in this situation.

Lalagirl posted 11/12/2013 11:31 AM

He beat her up- I am told by my WS

Do you have proof of this? Just an FYI - this is a very typical line from the cheater's handbook... "can't tell b/c hubby will beat her up" -

TeeCup posted 11/12/2013 11:37 AM

Thanks UK girl! I just read your reply. All great advice. I am definitely going to check out the I can relate section. I hardly can believe there is someone who can relate. wow. My situation just seems so outrageous. This is just so hard. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t believe in it. I am not that person. And I don’t want my little boy to be the kid with a dad who went out and knocked some other woman up. It is so humiliating. I am willing to forgive his crime …. if he would just stop committing it. And I cannot bring myself to tolerate him having the OC in his life. I just cannot do it. I have told him that. He says he can’t let OC grow up without him being in his life. And that he doesn’t want to love OW, and that it isn’t his ‘choice’, he just does. Like all of this was out of his control.

TeeCup posted 11/12/2013 11:46 AM

I have no proof of him beating her up. BH does seem like a pretty rough guy though and years ago I had looked online at our state judicial system site and he was convicted of assault several years ago, so he does have it in him to do such a thing. I don't know who the assault was against or what the circumstances were. The website doesn't give those details. At minimum though, I think he would leave her ... and that would place a huge financial burden on my family because my WH, with his strong morals (ha ha)would be obligated to help her more financially than he does now. And we cannot afford it. With me not working right now, it is really hard financially. There just doesn't seem like any good- or at least easy answers.

UKgirl posted 11/12/2013 11:55 AM

It is so humiliating. I am willing to forgive his crime …. if he would just stop committing it. And I cannot bring myself to tolerate him having the OC in his life. I just cannot do it. I have told him that. He says he can’t let OC grow up without him being in his life. And that he doesn’t want to love OW, and that it isn’t his ‘choice’, he just does. Like all of this was out of his control.
Firstly, his choices are not your humiliation. They are his disgrace. Do not let his actions make you feel bad. Do not allow it. And he is not going to “stop committing it” unless you put boundaries and consequences in place. So read everything you can and find your strength.

He doesn’t want to love OW? Then he stops loving her. He can if he wants to. Love is an action and a choice, not an inevitability. It is all within his control. He’s feeling entitled and empowered by you letting him do as he wishes.

As for the BH beating up his wife? So badly that YOUR WH is scared into buying A GUN?? He is protecting himself – if he really cared, he would have stopped all contact with her. It’s a common tactic on the part of the adulterers, they can keep their secret by telling you that if you out them and OW is killed then it’s YOUR fault. No it’s not. They made choices and they kept secrets they had no right to do. It is part of the game to paint the BS as violent or unpredictable. Don’t fall for it.

Lastly, you say you don't believe in divorce. Is that in ANY circumstance? If your WH knows this, then he can carry on with his lifestyle and there won't be anything you can do to change things.

Sproket posted 11/12/2013 11:59 AM

I agee with everything UKgirl said.

my WW tried to tell me the OM BW was unstable and she might do something to herself or him.

Truly posted 11/12/2013 12:07 PM

That total *barsteward*!

He's been lying to you every single day for years.

I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Tell the BS about his *wife*. Consequences are consequences.
IMO It seems unlikely that he'll 'beat' her given the fact that he agreed to raise another mans child...he sounds more hero than zero...

And let's face it, liars lie, so it's unlikely you've been told the truth about that. Saying those things is a very good way to control a situation though, wouldn't you say?

(((hugs))) You deserve many hugs and a beautiful future x

UKgirl posted 11/12/2013 12:17 PM

Yep. I got the “unstable MOW” too. After Mr UKg had been caught out texting MOW 10wks after d-day, I went mad and told him to STOP or we were DONE. He whimpered “you don’t know what she’s [MOW] capable of” REALLY?? I said I could deal with HER but not his lies. Tsk. Idiot. And then she threatened suicide and to tell me everything and send “evidence” (told her I didn’t give a shit what her evidence was). Oh boo hoo, I told her husband and she went crazy. I was exchanging information with her husband, not body fluids! And she was so frightened she was going to do something stupid. I muttered to fWH “shame she won’t actually do it” and then had to explain why.

Rise above it. Do NOT accept any responsibility for THEIR actions. Your decision to tell BH is a consequence of that. And not your problem. Tell your WH he should have thought of that before.

painfulpast posted 11/12/2013 12:40 PM

This started at the beginning of 2008 at a minimum. My guess is before that, but the proof says holiday season of 2007/very beginning of 2008. That is nearly 6 years. 6 years of lies, of cheating, of sneaking around, of taking her and her daughter places, of being a disgusting piece of trash!!

Tell her husband. He isn’t going to beat her, and you shouldn’t keep it from him. If he knew and didn’t tell you, how would you feel?

No one ‘believes’ in divorce, but sometimes it’s the only option. Right now it appears your H has no fear of any real consequences, and why should he? He’s gotten away with everything, and he still is. You need to put your foot down and throw his stuff on the lawn so that it’s there for him when he gets home. There are organizations that can help you. You do NOT need this garbage in your life. Let OW have him. They deserve each other – both liars, cowards, cheats, and vile garbage.

Lalagirl posted 11/12/2013 13:00 PM

Let OW have him. They deserve each other – both liars, cowards, cheats, and vile garbage.

Tee, can you tell we're not terribly happy with the way you're being treated and that we're (albeit very strongly) trying to help? I know our words can be harsh and direct, but there is also a BS that you do NOT deserve to be in and it is not your fault...but we want to get you out of it so you can have some control in your life - and happiness.

We'll help you through. One step at a time. First things first...STD testing and implement the 180 - for YOU...not to "make" him love you. You cannot fix a broken person unless they want it for themselves. I know you want it for you and your children.


storm77 posted 11/12/2013 23:57 PM

I agree with what everyone else has said. He can most certainly help loving her! I understand the pain of OC. It freaking sucks and that is putting it mildly. He sound like he is eating cake right now and has been doing so all along. You deserve someone who loves, respects, and puts your needs first.
The shame of this act is not yours, but theirs. I felt the shame of my WH and OW actions until I realized something. These people have quite a few mutual friends and know many of the same people...yet no one knows that they had a ONS or OC is my H's. If they were so damn proud of their actions they would be shouting it from the rooftops and they are not. It and their child is a dirty little shameful secret.
If your H wants to chose something tainted over your love, marriage, and child...well he is dumber than his actions have already proven. You deserve so much more than this!

Phoenix1 posted 11/13/2013 00:46 AM


I understand probably more than you realize as I have been dealing with multiple OCs and LTAs, and one OW was/is still married to another. I stuck it out for years, but I finally reached my limit. I was working on an exit plan, but latest whore and OC made me act faster than what I had planned. The OCs symbolize betrayal for me. It is truly gut wrenching.

PM me if you want.

allusions posted 11/13/2013 01:43 AM

perhaps I missed it in your post, but was there ever a paternity test done to see if the child was actually fathered by your husband? Testing that you have actually seen the results of?

LAFA posted 11/13/2013 04:21 AM

I believe you need to find a way to raise the fence. What I mean is that he has a foot comfortably on each side of it. There are means available to you to make that fence he is so proud of himself for finding a way to straddle it quite a bit taller so his feet come off of the ground, and the top of the fence starts crushing his balls. You may find some work that while you are underemployed for a while, you are making progress toward something more rewarding. An extremely firm 180 is in order here, with a no nonsense set of boundaries declared by you. He should not be allowed to set any terms, such as the horseshit that he can't help but love her. You are not likely as trapped as you perceive yourself to be. A session with a lawyer to explore your options is an extremely worthwhile valuable way for you to mentally steel yourself for dealing with this faithless toxic individual. IC will be important for you to become better off emotionally. You are far better than what you have been receiving, don't be afraid to seek help. Also, stick around here at SI, read all you can and post when you need to. There are many wonderful people here with wisdom and compassion to help you find your way to a healthier place for you and your children. You can find peace, and I sincerely hope you do.

UKgirl posted 11/13/2013 04:21 AM

Tee Cup, about a potentially violent BH.

When I told MOW’s BH, he knew Mr UKg was a 6'2" ex-rugby player weighing 225 pounds who now played golf, still went to the gym and went out for runs, a man who loves all sport whether playing or watching. He also knew that my fWH had a temper on the pitch (rugby is very physical) and, after giving up rugby and taking up golf, repeatedly broke his clubs by whacking them around or hitting tree trunks when he was raging about bad shots. BH is about 3 or 4 inches shorter and probably 160-170 pounds. He doesn’t do sport or follow sport. He walks the countryside and that’s about it.

He said he had thought about coming round and confronting fWH. I KNOW he would have been absolutely safe. He said he thought better of it and that it wouldn’t solve anything. fWH has never, ever shown violence to me, to the children, to anyone off the rugby pitch or to anyone on the golf course – only ever his clubs, which his golfing friends find amusing and just put up with. Once he’s broken a club, he stuffs the two halves into his bag and carries on the round. They’re not cheap – they’re made to measure. He’s never been verbally abusive either. Nasty put downs is about as far as things have ever got.

I think MOW probably told BH that fWH could beat the shit out of him. BH would have remembered fWH from when they were younger and fWH was dating MOW before she went off with BH. I know if BH had turned up on our doorstep and gone for fWH, fWH wouldn’t have done a thing. He might have tried to hold BH off, but he would not have retaliated. He would have known it was deserved and understandable. But the BH was intimidated at the thought of meeting fWH face to face, so he didn’t.

If the tables had been turned and BH knew of the affair and I didn’t, I suspect he would not have told me for the reason of fWH’s “reputation” as MOW would have painted it. Because that is what they do. They do not want the BS’s talking to each other. They want to control the situation as much as they can. I would have been left in the dark. I’m 90% sure of that.

On another note, I'd also ask about paternity tests. Please start to make a life for yourself, separate from your WH. Continued contact with MOW and his disrespect for you will tear you apart. Little steps become big strides. Just start with today. What can you achieve today?


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