Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Frightened of tornado ahead....

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

loli posted 11/12/2013 11:00 AM

Hello, all.
D-day + 2 wks now and every day is an emotional roller-coaster.
I am tired of googling why H's cheat and reading such ridiculous excuses like "he's not happy in his marriage"; "he wasn't getting the attention he needed", "he is a thrill seeker". These are all cowardly excuses!! We all have moments like that in our marriage, but if we are ADULTS and mature, we either try to discuss it with our partners or get OUT!

My H is a wreck, cries at every twist and turn,says he doesn't know WHY he did it (on and off for 5 years with same OW't stop it; he's seeing our priest weekly because he needs someone to show him the "right path" H starts IC tomorrow with a psych evaluation; i start IC in 2 days and we have 1st session with MC next week.

Nevertheless, I am now trying to accept the sinking feeling in my stomach that is now PERMANENTLY there and this horrendous state of uncertainty.

I fear for the road ahead because even though I recovered all his deleted emails and I have such excruciatingly disgusting details about the A, I fear that even more will come out with the MC.

I NEVER did anything to be handed this load of shit in my life!And I HATE him for the hell I am now in.

Sproket posted 11/12/2013 11:11 AM

I know how you feel.
This roller-coaster of feelings is for the birds.

I called one of my best friends and talk to him and that helped a lot. Hopefully you have some one who can lend that ear of just listening.

You have more strength in you than you realize to handle all this shit plus hell you are in.
Keep your head up, we all can make it over the hump.

iwillNOT posted 11/12/2013 11:26 AM


First, you did not make him cheat. He cheated because of his own brokenness, his own issues. Is he blaming you? Many WS do blame the BS initially, it's a way of deflecting blame from themselves. Whatever his underlying reasons, and from what I understand it can take a long time to figure them out - you are right. He is an adult who had other options aside from having an affair. Discussion. Counseling. Separation. Divorce, even. He chose affair.

It's good that you are both starting IC. IC and this website have been and still are my lifeline. There is so much wisdom and support here for you. Read lots, and post often.

You absolutely did not deserve to be forced to this in your life. Right now you must take care of yourself. You have experienced a major trauma, your mind is reeling, your body running with too much adrenaline and no doubt not enough sleep. Eat, drink, rest, exercise. Spend time with people who love you. For me, it was my kids, they absolutely saved me during those horrific first weeks. You don't have to make a decision today. Many here say not to make a major decision right away, but give it a while. I am aiming for 6 months, myself.

Be prepared for finding out more information as time goes on. You are absolutely entitled to know what you feel you need to know, for your own healing. However, please be sure to ask only for things you really want the answer to.

Sorry this became so long; I am only 3 months into this myself and can feel your pain pouring off the page. I will never forget the horrible pain of finding out. I am here to tell you that it does get better, it really does. Just hold on. Do what you can to take care of yourself, breathe, and hold on.

Truly posted 11/12/2013 11:28 AM

Hey Loli,

Sending you a big hug and some deep calming breaths.

Please ignore all crying from WH, sadly they are often self-pity tears at this stage; often a mix of guilt and self-loathing. These do not help you.

Remorse is shown by actions...
So glad to see you are accessing the help in your community, that'll help clarify your thoughts, hopefully.

Brace yourself, there may well be more revealed in the coming weeks and only you know how much you are prepared to hear or take.

It is absolutely ok to hate him right now. Look at what he has done! If you didn't, that would be a bit odd wouldn't it?
Also, anger can help you move forward in positive steps, esp. at the beginning; so harness those thoughts and use them!

Truly posted 11/12/2013 11:28 AM

Repeat post...oops

[This message edited by Truly at 11:29 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

marionwendy posted 11/12/2013 11:29 AM

Hello, Im on month 3, I feel the same way you do! I goggled all that stuff to. Thought it was a bunch of crap! They know what they did and they made the choice to go over that line, it is what it is we cant change it! My husband is like yours crying at every turn, I get pissed that I have the compassion in me to still console him! Yet he did this to me and Im hurting even more!!!! We have our first meeting with a MC on Friday I hope no more lies come out! Ive had enough of this shit too. Good luck at your MC!

loli posted 11/12/2013 17:32 PM

Funny enough. I don't feel sorry for him and his crying and distraughtness.
I don't know if I'm being crazy, but part of me wants him to feel as much pain, as much discomfort as possible!I know whatever hurts him only pales in comparison to what he has done to me, but it still feels good to see him suffer.

For all these years, he was soooo good at lying to me. Even though I must have subconsciously had doubts because I did ask several times if he was having an A and everytime, he looked straight into my eyes and LIED!

I don't feel any guilt about my anger and for now, I plan to make sure he knows how angry I am, no matter how many tears stream down his face.

standinghere posted 11/12/2013 20:01 PM

if we are ADULTS and mature

This is the illusion that we all have of our WS. But, they are not acting like adults, they are not acting mature, they are cheating and acting like adolescent children who are entitled to things that they would never give to another.

My wife was a mother of 4, self made, college grad, accomplished, intelligent, well read, attractive, capable, and completely unable to deal with the normal stresses of being married, child rearing, and adult relationships, in a mature constructive manner. She was acting like a 13-15 year old in secret.

Pippy posted 11/12/2013 22:13 PM

I am 9 years past D-Day, and though it really doesn't matter any more, our son's upcoming wedding is tearing off old scabs. I still am frustrated that EX chose to cheat instead of coming to me to talk things out. I honestly feel we could've worked through it, but no, he chose the COWARD's way out and used his "little head" to make his moves.

loli posted 11/13/2013 01:16 AM

To your point, whether I stay or go makes no difference right now and though I feel 80% sure that I have to save myself from any future damage and insanity from this sick man, it makes me sick to my stomach that I will have to deal with him for the rest of my life (we have three small kids).

I feel for you and wish you all the best at your son's wedding. Be strong!

Pippy posted 11/13/2013 10:22 AM

Yes it would be so much easier to move on if there were no children involved. But I'd go through it again to have them. One of the saddest part of D - how it effects the kids. Hugs.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.