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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Ridiculed by other BS
Mypoorkids
♀ 40946
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was dumped by his OW because she started a new A with another married man. After several weeks of thinking about it, I decided I had to tell the new BS. I called her last night and she told me her H would never cheat on her. She accused me of trying to cause drama in her life. I tried to be sympathetic and kind while I told her specific details.
I honestly wasn't trying to hurt her. I am SO thankful that the OW's husband called and told me about the A!
The other BS later called my H and told him that I was a horrible b#tch! I know I am sensitive but I feel awful. I am also devastated that in addition to my H having an A, I am also dragged into something that I never dreamed I would be a part of.
The hate I have for the OW is starting to become overwhelming. I am going to MC with my WH and taking it day by day but the OW is always on my mind. So much pain.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just let it roll off of you. I know that is easier said than done. But you did the right thing. You can't control the outcome. That is on the other BS to accept. Many of us had trouble accepting evidence right in front of us. I can imagine her reacting out of fear which she displayed as anger. Perhaps she will be more vigilant and catch him herself now.

You've done nothing wrong. Let he anger wash off you.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
JanaGreen
♀ 29341
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry MPK. She is deep in denial and lashing out. I feel awful for both of you. I know this is reconciliation so I'm going to try to choose my words carefully, but how terrible of this one woman (OW) to go around hurting so many people - you, her BH, and now this new BS. Ugh. Like a whirling dervish of disaster.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6972 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
jackson
♂ 18819
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am truly sorry this happened to you but I expect that the BW is in denial. You have put a bee in her bonnet and I would think that in time she will realize that you were truthful. Meantime you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies here is where I disagree. I would have felt the same way as that BS... I don't think it's anyone's business to tell me my husband is cheating unless he wasn't leaving your wife alone. But your WH was dumped so if anything why get involved. I think it would have been better to talk to the other Wayward and say break it off or your wife might find out.

I am sorry you were hurt but it wasn't your place to do that IMO. Yep I would not be a happy camper.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamland, I don't understand.

If your husband was cheating, you'd prefer not to know based on who the messenger was?

Just making sure I am reading that correctly.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW..
Of course if he kept perusing and the MOW was breaking it off or other BH was trying to R and my H was a barrier I see that. Otherwise nada..zipp.. My Marriage is Not your business.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPK, you absolutely did the right thing, you can't control the outcome. She may or may not be in denial, your words might have given her the truth she didn't want, or wasn't ready to hear. She may very well have been realizing that 2 + 2 wasn't equalling 4. Since she most likely doesn't know you she wouldn't likely fall to your feet in relief. Look how many of us were in denial despite the facts staring at us in the face.
You aren't dragged into anything unless you choose to be. The best thing is to turn to your H and continue your healing. You've informed the new BS - now close that chapter and focus on you & your H.

[This message edited by Lucky at 2:09 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
FeelingSoMuch
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice job. You did the right thing by telling the other BS. You can't control her reaction.

I wish one of my WW's friends had enough courage or decency to tell me she was having an A. I would've been immensely thankful.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mpk, If I were the BS, I don't know how I would have behaved initially, but after the immediate shock, I would have become grateful.

You did a difficult thing, a brave thing, and the right thing. If oBS doesn't recognize that now, she will probably do so in the future.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10764 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
velvethammer
♀ 40437
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always tell the BS. Better to be told/warned than to find out you've contracted AIDS and your life is now over. Seriously? You wouldn't want to know? You'd rather wake up with herpes? At least she's been alerted and can make a decision to protect herself.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MPK you did the right thing. As stated the other BS is likely in denial. Many of us wish the other BS had told us. The other BS in my case knew over a year before I found out. I had to find out when my STBXW confessed after an altercation with the other BS that involved the police.

Yes that's right...Actually I prefer not to know at all period.
but yes I would not want to know if he no longer was in the A from former BS or OW.
Personal choice and I am not attacking you just pointing out a difference in opinion. Your M used to be no one's business but your WS took that privacy away from you when he had his A. The WS makes it other people's business when they have an A. The WS removed the privacy from your M not the bearer of bad news that informed you of the A. Also those of us that weren't told often realize when we do find out that there are in fact multiple DDay's and multiple AP's. So yeah I am all for exposing, what the BS does with the information is completely up to them.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
plainpain
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really believe you did the right thing, as painful as it must have been for both of you. One of the things that is very difficult for me to think about, still, is that one of our 'friends' saw my H out and about with OW, and did not say anything. Not to him, not to me. Quite a few people, actually, knew about it... I wish ONE of them would have had the courage to say SOMETHING. If anyone had said something, I am not sure how I would have handled it. Probably would have been angry, probably would have been in denial, probably would have made excuses for my H. But the fact is, OW is pregnant now. There is no one to blame but my H for that, but I would give anything to have had the chance to confront all this sooner.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
What2Thnk
37863
Member # 37863
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did the right thing.


Me (BS) 42 - Him (WS) 43
DD #1 7/19/10 2 year LTA EA/PA w/MOW - HSXGF#1; DD #2 6/6/12 4 mo EA (PA?) w/HSXGF#2; DD #3 12/15/12 3 week EA with random stranger. A whole crapload of gaslighting, minimizing, blameshifting, rugsweeping and TT.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Dec 2012
Clearview
♀ 29565
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the people who saw my WS picking up a street hooker had told me in a timely fashion, I wouldn't have HPV today. :(

Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
Mypoorkids
♀ 40946
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your support. I debated about telling her for a couple weeks. I felt sick to my stomach when I actually made the call. The reason that I decided that she had to know is because I kept getting nasty infections. I tested negative for STD's but sure wish I hadn't gotten the infections-disgusting thinking about where they came from.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
sri624
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG....you did the right thing. dont think for one minute that you didnt. you needed to tell the BS. and i know you would appreciate it if someone told you the truth about your husband. no matter how much it hurt.

can you imagine? just going on with your life as a BS, and people knowing your h is cheating on you, but no one tells you? this is how cheating goes on for years and years...nothing stops, people get AIDS!!

and most cheaters do NOT use protection...no matter what they say.

and as a BS, if you want to keep your spouse....it is better that the a be exposed...out in the light...known by both BSs that cheating is taking place.

i am so GRATEFUL that i was told about my husband cheating. and it wasnt even a BS. it was one of his good friends. he risked his friendship with my h....but he told me the truth...and didnt want to see me walking around with my head in the clouds thinking all was well at home when my h was out there screwing around on me, putting my life and our child's life at risk. he was tired of me being the fool.

and once he put that birdy in my ear...i did my own research and found out the ugly truth about his double life.

always, always, always tell it. you would want someone to tell you.

would you really want to be the wife going around thinking your m is good, smiling, doing all the work in the m to make him happy, being a good wife, mother, homemaker, sleeping with him...making all the sacrifices...when the reality is that your m is a sham, and he is having sex with other people behind your back, not even thinkng about you and your feelings? no way.

you did good. way to go. she is mad. but believe me...she will get over you telling her...and will be grateful later. she is just in denial..and doesnt want to believe it. but...when you get a call like that...you can deny it all you want...but you KNOW it is true.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
brokendancer7
♀ 39911
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that you did the right thing. I would have been beyond thankful if someone had kindly called to tell me what WH was doing.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2013
Mypoorkids
♀ 40946
Member # 40946
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone! I feel a lot better now. I do believe I made the right choice.


Me: BS
Him: WS has been in 3+ year A
Married 23 years
D Day: 10/10/13
Teenage kids

Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Brrrrrr
Dreamland
♀ 40488
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsflushed...
I just respectfully disagree. Just because our WH had affairs doesn't mean that they open the marriage up to the general public. My H only had one A and I would not have believed it unless I found it myself.
IMO that was a hurtful move.. Because you don't gain anything from telling the new BS. It wasn't your H with that OW so just because the OW was with another MM you felt compelled to tell her. I don't like this entitlement of telling the BS's again my opinion.

Hope you focus on healing yourself ...


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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