Also, I struggle with the idea of forgiving myself for the decision to have an Affair. He has already forgiven me (which is way more than I feel I deserve). Perhaps when I can forgive myself, it will put us on an even surface and after that happens, I can allow myself to be angry at him for something.
My IC and Husband both insist that anger is a natural human emotion and that I should be able to feel angry. If I don't, then I'm not being honest about my feelings (a huge part of my problem and a work-in-progress).
Any thoughts on anger, emotions, or forgiving oneself?
[This message edited by Neznayou at 11:19 AM, November 12th (Tuesday)]
Married: April 9, 1994
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014
I understand the guilt Neznayou. You don't feel you have the right to feel anything. But you do. Emotions are real. They are valid.
You must learn to feel those emotions, and then also effectively and clearly convey those emotions to those around you.
Example: QS says we're going to dinner at 6:00pm on Thursday night. However, at 2:00pm, I receive a text that says, "Sorry. Have to work late. I'll make it up to you." I would understandably be very hurt. However, 2 months go by and he has yet to make up our dinner date. I start feeling anger and resentment. What do I do with it?
1. I can stuff my feelings. I'm cranky, hurt, and feel undervalued. When he says, "What's wrong Aubrie?" I'll snap back, "Nothing QS. Nothing at all." He'll say, "I can tell something is bothering you." I pop off with, "Don't worry about it. It's nothing." But it is something. And I just lied to him about my feelings. I stuffed it deep inside. And it's going to fester and infect. Next thing you know, I'm yelling at him, the kids, the cat, the mailman. I'm a ball of anger, hate, and resentment. All because I stuffed.
2. I set aside 20 minutes to say, "QS, remember when we were supposed to have dinner and you cancelled for work? That really hurt me. It made me feel your job was more important than spending time with me. Remember how you said you would make it up to me? Honey, it's been 2 months and we have not had dinner together yet. I feel hurt by that. I feel unimportant to you." What he does with that information is completely up to him. He may get a clue and arrange an evening together. Or he may stay oblivious and head off to another work project. The point is, I opened up, I was honest, I shared my feelings. I was authentic.
It takes practice and time. But you can do it Neznayou.
As a BS, I would rather hear/feel the anger and know things are going wrong, then be sheltered and deceived.
She's said similar things to you, though, that she doesn't feel like she has the right to get angry with me even when I'm an ass. (and let's face it, we're all in the wrong and deserving of anger some times) So we've talked, a lot. She's getting to the point, three months out, where she can talk to me about feeling angry, and that's a good thing. Communication has been essential to our recovery.
But I understand the fear of anger. When I get angry, myself, it wants to express in physical ways and always has. I learned at an early age to keep an eye on my temper (breaking a few of your favorite Star Wars figures will have that effect on a 8 year-old). My anger still wants to come out in physical ways, but I channel them now. I run, sometimes, or turn that energy towards physical training in martial arts.
Ascian, my Husband and I did Kung Fu together after DDay and before our move. The workout, the outlet, the togetherness helped us both, but we haven't found an affordable studio in our new community.
I have become much better at identifying and expressing my emotions. With anger, I haven't really found anything that my Husband has done to make me angry. I can't be angry at him for his expressions of pain and anger when I'm the one who created the pain and anger. Nowadays, we spend every possible moment together and our communication is so much better and authentic than ever before. Is it possible that we are simply heading off at the pass the situations which under other circumstances would lead to anger?
Is it possible that we are simply heading off at the pass the situations which under other circumstances would lead to anger?
I think, at least for my wife and myself, that post-A since we're both very interested in reconciliation we're more willing to talk to each other about our anger.
Before D-Day, we mostly simmered on our own. Sometimes working out the anger alone, sometimes just stuffing it down and letting it compress into resentment. Now, though, we talk it out as soon as it's possible, and we trust each other with our anger.
I can't speak to her motivations, but I can say for my own that there's nothing scarier that I've experienced that discovering the A, and so the fears that seemed so large 6 months ago are rendered insignificant.
Self forgiveness comes in time. Its not something that happens overnight, and it takes a lot of work to get there, but don't let that get you down! Acknowledge your growth and change, and focus on that. Forgiveness will come in time, when you're ready!