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Having a wobble

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Sienna500 posted 11/12/2013 11:31 AM

Firstly I just want to say I'm not going to cheat on my H again or take any drugs or drink or anything, I just feel a bit unsteady.

My husband did something that would be completely inappropriate for me to do but for him, I don't think it was. I don't think it was inappropriate for him because my friends all seemed to think it was 'sweet' of him. It's been on my mind though.

More worryingly it's made me wonder what is and what isn't appropriate and the wondering has turned into almost fantasy. Basically fantasizing about what kind of trouble I could get in to and what I'm "missing out" on.

I might be rambling but I just feel a bit sickly with it all and wondered if anyone could offer some advice?

Truly posted 11/12/2013 11:40 AM

BS here...

Gently, are you sure you don't see his action as inappropriate?
It seems as if you think that you should see it as ok because other people say so.
You get to choose what's right for you in your relationship, not your friends.

Well done for being so strong, totally awesome!!

Aubrie posted 11/12/2013 11:41 AM

My husband did something that would be completely inappropriate for me to do but for him, I don't think it was. I don't think it was inappropriate for him because my friends all seemed to think it was 'sweet' of him.
No offense, but I've read enough about your friends to know they have zero sense of boundaries or respect. So the only reason why you think it was ok for your husband was because your friends think it was? What do you feel Sienna? Why are your feelings discounted? Have you talked to your husband about it? Your relationship is between you and him. Not you, him, and your circle of friends.

More worryingly it's made me wonder what is and what isn't appropriate and the wondering has turned into almost fantasy.
Have you and your husband had a discussion on marital boundaries for the both of you?

Are you in IC? I know your life is busy with the new baby, but you need to make time for yourself Sienna. You need to be happy and healthy too.

Sienna500 posted 11/12/2013 11:55 AM

I've actually only just got back from IC and she was a bit shit to be honest. She said "everyone's allowed fanatasies" then moved on to something else. I tried to get it back to the fact that I don't trust myself 100% and she said that sounds like a self esteem issue. Said I should "believe in myself" and went on about something else again.

It's not a case of believing in myself- right now, no of course I'm not going to do anything but what about in the future? I need to sort myself out to make sure I don't completely ruin my H and children's lives.

What he did has the potential to turn in to such a long story but he basically said hi to a girl he was seeing a long time ago who previously hated his and my guts. She causes him a bit of trouble with work in general so he decided to go over to her, apologised for being such a tool back then and then said bye. In the hope of burying the hatchet.

For me, if I went close to someone I'd been involved with there would be hell on. In this case although it's a strange and awkward situation it probably was the best thing for his work more than anything. I feel uneasy because I don't want him talking to anyone he's been that close to.

Undefinabl3 posted 11/12/2013 12:54 PM

She said "everyone's allowed fanatasies"

while she is technically not wrong, the problem lies when fantasies become realities. I am wondering if this IC is the right fit for you.

Also, if there is one thing that I have learned here at SI is that if YOU personally find it inappropriate then it is.

I HATE the double standard and the thinking that "Well, i haven't cheated, so then I can talk to the opposite sex or my ex, but since you did you can't"

Same rules for everyone. Period.

Sienna500 posted 11/12/2013 15:37 PM

She's OK but has a set agenda I think. I'll try again next time.

I have talked to my H and he doesnt think speaking with her was a good idea but not because of anything more than the fact it was weird. Im inclined to agree, I dont agree with double standards but I have form.

I just want to be good instead of always feeling like I'm just being good.

wifehad5 posted 11/12/2013 17:26 PM

Why didn't he talk to you about his plans first?

Sienna500 posted 11/13/2013 10:11 AM

It's not really that, it's more my feelings about me rather than my feelings about him it was just that he set me off thinking about stuff.

I'/m not sure I'm even making sense. It doesn't matter and thank you for your time everyone.

wifehad5 posted 11/13/2013 10:19 AM

Your feelings do matter.

Keep talking, let's figure this out.

Sienna500 posted 11/13/2013 10:43 AM

Thank you very much, I really do appreciate it but I honestly can't find the words to explain it. All I could do is rant and most people still wouldn't know what I meant!

I'll have a go, more out of respect for this site and needing some kind of resolution.

Basically, I know I don't want a repeat performance of early this year so I know I won't do anything to jeopardise my family but, when I'm still and alone and have time to think I always think about being high and other things that would be way TMI. I am embarrassed/ashamed to say it and I talked to my husband about it but he doesn't know what to do or what to say and I have to tread carefully or his feelings will be hurt.

I just want to feel good. I want to feel really good and I need to learn new ways to I guess. I can focus on my children and my husband but then I'm just being well behaved rather than being a good person. If I don't find the answers then my husband and children will suffer and I'll just exist.

I hope this makes some sense.

wifehad5 posted 11/13/2013 11:55 AM

You want to do more than just exist, right?

Softcentre posted 11/13/2013 12:15 PM

If you feel that what he did was inappropriate,have you talked to him about it? Not in a judgey way,but just about how it made you feel? Communication is really important, especially about this kind of thing

plainpain posted 11/13/2013 12:37 PM

BS here. Firstly, I want to say that it takes a lot of courage and honesty to admit to what you're feeling. That is awesome.

I don't know your story, but from what you have written it reminded me of my H. It sounds like you are honest with yourself about what you're feeling, but you don't believe your feelings are valid. You are dismissing them, and you are allowing other people to dismiss them. It doesn't sound like you have figured out what exactly inside you is broken, you know? Why you feel that you need something external to make you 'feel good', or to validate you. You deserve to feel good - but nothing outside of you is ever, ever going to make you feel that. You, all by yourself, inside your own skin, are enough.

Personally, for what it's worth, I think what your H did sounds a little 'off' and disrespectful to the loyalties of your relationship, and I would have concerns, too. Speaking candidly as a BS - and I may be completely over-stepping - it would not be unheard of for your H to be seeking some validation of his own by attempting to earn back the approval of someone who previously hated him (and you), to try to establish himself as 'the good spouse'. His self-esteem has taken a very hard hit. He may want to establish his own relationships and value separate from you and your marriage. It's dangerous, if you want to move forward and not backward. One rule for everybody. If it makes you, the spouse, uncomfortable, then you have a right to say so, and he needs to understand why he is making the choice to continue with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. My H betrayed me, but we have both had to learn honesty and respect for one another's feelings.

For my H, his healing came from a spiritual place - I don't know what that place will be for you, but I feel heartbroken for you. I will pray for you, that you can discover your own value. Don't dismiss your feelings. Don't pretend, just to keep the peace. Trust me, if your H loves you he wants you to tell him. I lived in quiet bitterness for years, filling my emotions with everything but just the honest truth, because I thought my feelings were just going to create a huge mess for everyone. As it turns out, that wasn't such a great strategy for me. With or without your marriage, you need to be healthy and whole.

Unagie posted 11/13/2013 13:08 PM

Sienna I think wifehad5 hits it on the bullseye. You want to do more then exist. You want aomething that makes you feel good and amazing again and since you have not found that your mind immediately goes to what it remembers as a feel good activity. You feel guilty hecause those activities have been marked in your mind as bad. You have to rewire your thought process. You can do this, you have to find your outlet for happiness, a healthy happiness.

Sienna500 posted 11/13/2013 13:37 PM

That's it Unagie. I wish I could have just said that first, I am useless with words. Thank you for your patience wifehad5.

I just want to change now, I'm sick of feeling this way. I am so lucky in so many ways and I don't want to just be well behaved I want it to be part of me, the natural me. Where my thoughts and thought processes are healthy.

And thank you plainpain. Working on my feelings and remembering to really feel them is particularly important for me so thank you again.

Aubrie posted 11/13/2013 13:46 PM

Sienna, be patient with yourself. Don't discount your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. They are important. Your voice, no matter how soft or loud, is important. Your words, whether eloquent or not, are important. Know that and believe that.

Give yourself a chance. You're worth it.

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