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SummerStorm21 posted 11/12/2013 12:15 PM

Hello SI,

I have been reading here since March, my D Day.

A lot has happened since then and I am focusing very hard right now on paying some attention, and having some attention paid, to my own health and healing. I hope to continue learning from those who have been there. (sadly)

In a nutshell, WH has been cheating on me, at least emotionally, with various women he met through work for the past ten years. He does not work with them now. This began before our marriage. In the past year, he began actively courting a stripper he met at a club while away for work. This went on for at least nine months until I discovered what was happening. He says there was no PA but he wanted one. It is not clear from his texts whether this is true or not, but either way it's a horror.

Since the spring he has cut off all contact with these women. He began IC and MC. He made all the right moves in terms of taking care of himself and following through on unemotional requests. E.g. Passwords to email (he had cleaned out his accounts before I read them). Dealt with long-term untreated depression.

I'm sure many of you know where this is going. I repeatedly requested his open and honest communication. He has never volunteered anything. I discovered and confronted him with every affair (four at least). He answers my questions when I pose them but nothing more. He never attempts to begin a conversation about the infidelity. He ignores the issue completely until I bring it up. He only says a general "sorry" here and there and maybe regarding the affairs if we are in the midst of some crazy discussion about them and he remembers it is one of the steps he has been told to take. All very unconvincing.

I have been devastated, neglected, and now I am pregnant. Due in the spring. Stupid me, but I forgive myself for being human. I have told him that he has completely ignored my healing and that we cannot have a relationship if he does nothing but act like a model roommate. I am not interested. I need more. I need so much more. I am still being manipulated so that he feels good. And I just had to tell somebody who understood.

nowiknow23 posted 11/12/2013 12:34 PM

((((SummerStorm)))) I hear you, and I understand. I'm glad you feel safe enough to post your story.

It sounds like you know what you need and want. Sending you strength and comfort.

SummerStorm21 posted 11/12/2013 14:51 PM

Thanks NIK. I do know what I need. I don't know how to get there, but I'm working on it.

I stayed for the kids. I will also leave for the kids. I already told our MC (who we haven't seen together in a while because there was no point) that if I find out that his current behavior is intentional, I don't care if I give birth tomorrow, he is out.

I had to take a timeout as my pregnancy needed to come first. Now I have some strength back I have been circling back and facing what needs to be faced. And refusing to be ignored.

He has pulled this line from almost day one in counseling that he is not good or maybe even incapable of sharing emotions. I reread his texts to OW4 last week and called him out on that one. He had plenty of empathy and connection with her. I even read part of it to him. It was a long night.

That said, he is definitely the emotionally distant/unavailable type. He got his fill by hanging out with other women though. Left me with nothing and left nothing for me. Now I am telling him to step up. For real. I am done taking hits for his comfort. I am done.

putonahappyface posted 11/13/2013 05:06 AM

(((summerstorm))) - just wanted to send you a hug. Read all you can in the Healing Library. Focus on yourself & when he/she comes, the new baby. You can figure out what to do with your unemotional, unremorseful H after that. I'm so sorry...peace & strength to you & your kids.

annb posted 11/13/2013 07:56 AM

Hi, Summer, welcome to SI.

I am glad you feel confident enough to get your story out there.

Have you ever requested a timeline from your WH? I also went through the same push-pull situation where my WH would not bring up the A unless I did, which was often.

One thing that helped him communicate after so much TT was to provide me with a weekly journal. It generally contained only one or two paragraphs, but I was able to get some questions answered, and he was able to write down what he remembered without having to face me in person. Many times what was described in the journal was extremely painful, and many times we'd end up in a huge fight. Oh, well, but it gave me more pieces to the puzzle than I ever would have gotten had he been forced to *face* me.

Has the IC helped him understand that a nuclear bomb has been dropped in your marriage?

Anyhow, just a thought.

Please take care of you and your unborn child!

SummerStorm21 posted 11/13/2013 12:50 PM

Thanks for the hugs and understanding. I walk around all day being strong and productive and it feels nice to be able to let my guard down for a moment. Not that I'm feeling anything about the cheating right now. I tune it out most of the time and focus on it when necessary. He will never bring it up so I guess that much is in my control.

I never asked for a timeline and although part if me wonders if there's any point - he cheated, do I really need more details - another part of me thinks that for HIM to fathom the enormity of the betrayal it would be useful. I think he is quickly convincing himself that it wasn't really all that bad, except the last one, and that has a lot to do with our current situation.

As for IC, I honestly try not to laugh when I think about it. As far as I can tell he spends the whole time talking about himself, managing the message, and zero about adultery unless I specifically request it. I have done so twice, I think, and I have no idea what he is telling the guy but he always comes home with ridiculous and quite frankly insulting ideas. The first time he said that it was unhealthy for me to talk to him about his behavior the way I do (uh, negatively), and the second time the suggestion was that we jointly work on a marriage contract.

Each time I told him that he had yet again failed me. First because he wasn't strong enough to even listen to how he hurt me - let alone live it like I do - and second because there is no "we" to work on a marriage until he accepts that there is a long way to go in terms of him showing he even cares about what he has done. Until he takes some actions individually, I am not holding his hand through this. It's the other way around buddy.

I asked him what his goals were with IC and he said "I don't know." Wow. Talk about checked out. I asked him why he went then since it cost us thousands. He said, "well I guess the goal is to feel better. And I do." Again. Wow. Notice the failure to mention either adultery or our relationship.

That's about when I checked out myself for a while. It was just too depressing. Last week I went to our MC who I have seen on my own a few times. I asked him to tell me what exactly I'm dealing with here because it is not normal. He said a guy who will avoid conflict at almost all costs (so ironic to me), and someone who has no idea about the enormity of what he has done. Bingo. I'm glad to hear it out loud. Because it sure feels that way.

I am working a plan with him. We will see how it goes. I'm very one day at a time right now. Thanks for listening.