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NC broken. Shocked and sad.

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sjf89 posted 11/12/2013 12:17 PM

I guess I knew it could happen but I didn't really expect it. I found out that on October 28, three months after lots of good MC, that he called her. He then called her 8 more times during that week. Apparently she doesn't want to hear from him. Not sure how long that could last. When I confronted him about it he ended up telling me that the first call to her was actually early in October. He said he felt he owed her an explanation and an apology because he abruptly ended their relationship to reconcile with his wife???? WTH?? Does anybody have experience with broken NC?

Truly posted 11/12/2013 12:23 PM

Yes, I've had probs with broken NC, sucks arse...

But what is he doing breaking NC after 3 months of MC??

It doesn't make sense, surely your marriage should be the priority?

And he KEEPS on calling? Not just once but 8 times? He doesn't get it. He is continuing to be disrespectful to you.

180 and see a lawyer, he needs a MAJOR wake up.

So sorry you're going through this (((sjf)))

tushnurse posted 11/12/2013 12:43 PM

Oh Honey I was the poster child of the wife without a clue when it comes breaking NC. He did it to me too many times to count. Nothing leaves you with that socked in the gut feeling quite like it.

He broke it because he "needed closure"
He broke it because "she had a health scare"
He broke it because "I needed to keep her hanging on, just in case"
He broke it because "He missed chatting with her"
He broke it because "She contacted me first"

It took me a couple of months to feel strong enough, and to get out of my own fog enough, to demand it, and mean it.

I handed him my rings, told him to get out. That, was when he finally got that he was about to loose his wife, his home, his kids, hell he had already lost his job....That was when the true remorse came, that was when the real healing started.

There is a saying on here "Trust but verify" I hate it. Don't trust, the one thing he has proven to you is that he is not trustworthy, and that he is a sneaky devil. I prefer this phrase; Verify, Verify, Verify, snoop, snoop, snoop, Verify some more, after a bazillion times of finding nothing trust will come back. If he aint' happy with that to damn bad. He made his bed it's time for him to lie in it.

(((((and strength))))

brkn_heartd posted 11/12/2013 19:05 PM

My FWH spouse broke NC to work out his feelings with OW and confess that he used her. It went on for 6 weeks. I call BS. If it was only about that, one message could have resolved that. I am more angry about breaking NC than many other things. To me that was the ultimate betrayal because he knew how bad I hurt. I regret in some ways that I didn't call it quite then.

sjf89 posted 11/13/2013 13:19 PM

Thank you all for your good strong words and advice. brkn_heartd. I feel exactly the same way you do. It seems somehow I tried to understand, even though I dont accept or condone, what he did before I found out about the affair - because I wanted to work on forgiving him - but to go through everything we went through?? And then 3 plus months of marriage counseling?? What is wrong with people who can do this? They are seriously warped - and you're right - it's all BS.

caland posted 11/13/2013 18:18 PM

We survived this. I think the return to the affair (7-8 months post first NC) hurt me more than the original. I know it did. And I really think the shock impact was almost equivalent.

My husband was still foggy..for a really long time compared to others I read about. We're out of that, but it was horrific while it went on. I'm sorry.

Rebreather posted 11/13/2013 18:22 PM

Certainly for me, the affair going underground (repeated broken NC) was the biggest hurdle to our longterm recovery. Now, we did make it. But on my second dday I was DONE. There were no more delays. No more of anything but my way or the highway. You can't recover like this. I gave him one week to meet a series of my demands - and he did. Had he not, I would be posting in New Beginnings today instead of Recon.

Go big or go home, honey. Pull those bitch boots up so high they look like hip waders.

Hope2B posted 11/13/2013 21:43 PM

There is a saying on here "Trust but verify" I hate it. Don't trust, the one thing he has proven to you is that he is not trustworthy, and that he is a sneaky devil. I prefer this phrase; Verify, Verify, Verify, snoop, snoop, snoop

What Tushie said!!! I also dislike the "Trust but verify" phrase as it just doesn't work for me. Of course, YMMV.

For me, on DDay #1, WH *promised* that he wouldn't have any contact with her. I found out later that he called her 11 times the day after DDay#1, trying to get hold of her, and then a few times the next day until they finally connected by phone call. He had to "warn" her that I found out. He also conveniently 'doesn't remember' what he said to her about NC and throws out a "I told her you found out and it's over" or something. THEN he said she told him that if he wanted to call her, he could call and let it ring twice, then hang up and call again and she'd pick up. WTF ? ? ?

I lost it. He PROMISED. Yeah, he promised with his wedding vows too. I don't trust him at all. I tell him he taught me to supervise him, and I'm a really good student. He's not happy about this. Too freaking bad.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 9:43 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

karmahappens posted 11/13/2013 22:44 PM

Yeah, broken NC sucks. I think in the beginning it happens a lot.

For my husband broken NC meant hefty bags.

All his shit went into trash bags and onto his parents front lawn. He was staying there so we could have some space and time.

Didn't take long for him to realize my bitch boots were firmly in place.

crazynot posted 11/14/2013 00:42 AM

Mine never really kept NC, and my finding him out ultimately left to him leaving me and his two teenage kids to start a wonderful life in la-la land with his fairy princess.

Guess who's the happy one now?

Broken NC = playing with your broken heart. Unforgiveable.

OnAnIsland posted 11/14/2013 01:51 AM

Went through this, too. The first time he went out of town for work (3 months after d day), he called her to tell her it was done and he had chosen me. Whatever. He had already done that 13 years before when we got married. But maybe neither of them is that bright. Ok. We talked this through, and made no contact clear as can be. And I went further back in terms of trust.

Then he started talking to her again near the anniversary of their first sex fest (approx 10 months post day), when we were doing some really rough work in MC. On the A and the timeline. This was it. I was the closest I ever got to leaving then. I did not leave, but I did tell him how I felt and that there were no more chances.

Please make sure this is a topic in MC. Disclosure actually came about in our MC session, when I asked a question about her based on my snooping the Internet about her activities. I had not discovered the broken NC. He figured i had and admitted to recontacting her. Our MC helped him see what he was doing and what he had done. His reason- she was going through a tough time with her work and her possible divorce, etc. and she only had him to turn to.... Really? Our M was on life support you stupid ass, and your wife- not your married ho, former affair partner- your wife- was going through a tough time- all because of your actions and choices.

So i didn't give up, but I reset my clock on trust and progress each time. He owes her nothing. He owes you everything. MC should be able to help navigate this, if they are good, and he is coming out of the fog. I have to say it wasn't until after that second broken no contact that my WH really got help, and realized he needed it. Real IC with a qualified professional. Part of that is about the particularity of our situation, part of it is about the short term IC he first had, and part if it is about his stubbornness. Also, we stopped MC at that point. Because he wasn't ready. If he could sit in there twice a week discussing the A and our M, while in contact with former AP, he wasn't ready. He was wasting my time and MC time.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Be firm with him.

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