It has been a week and 2 days since D-day.
Still a complete mess of course. I have read the 180 several times and try to remember it all the time. I made a hair & massage apt for myself and I am going out with some friends this weekend when my H gets back into town.
It is so much harder since he is not here. I feel like if he was here it would be easier to get things moving. He is in training out of state and makes it home on the weekends (he did take a few days leave when the A was discovered). I feel like I am being delusional. As much as he has broken me I still want him to hug me and hold my hand.
He says he could talk to the OW like he couldn't talk to me anymore. He says he knows that isn't an excuse but that's why he thinks it happened. He has not blamed me for anything. And I have not blamed myself for anything.
He has given me access to everything and has put a tracker on his phone so I have access to his phone records. He is willing to go to a MC, we were lucky to get an apt when he took leave. And hope we can get in again soon, but I am sure it will have to wait another 6 weeks until he is done with training. He refuses to go to an IC. He says that he is more then happy to go to a MC but he only wants to talk to me about his problems, like we used to before. He got an STD test (Negative thank heavens!!) And I found a Retrouvaille program happening close in a few months he said he will go to.
He has cried over what he did. More then I have cried. I want to believe him, that he truly means it and not because he is sorry he got caught. It is so hard not to have trust anymore. I feel so empty. I told him that I cant tell him I love him anymore, I slipped a few times at first. Because I loved the man I married and who was my best friend for 9 years. I do not love the man he has become. When I told him that he broke down.
While he was home we took our kids on a day out. It was actually a lot of fun. I don't think I had really smiled until that day. But then I checked his phone tracker. A number similar to the OW had sent him a text, I asked him about it and surprise surprise "I never got a text" I dropped it since the kids were around. When we got home I had a computer genius moment and tracked who the number belonged to, a friend of the OW. I asked him again and he said that he did get a message from her friend. Saying he needed to contact the OW if he had any decency. He didn't contact her, or send a text back. I told him that because of this we had taken another step back. He has no office phone or house phone that he could do it on. I don't think she isn't going to let this go (she didn't know he was married) I think next time he is home I am going to have him call her, with me sitting next to him, and have him give her the NC talk. I think I will break down just hearing her voice.
It hurts knowing I will never get the full truth, I want to contact the OW so much, but I know she can lie too, and if she does or even tells me the truth it will send me into a bigger spiral if it is anything different then what he says. Which I feel it will be.
Sorry this is long, just needed to get some feelings out.