It is so much harder since he is not here. I feel like if he was here it would be easier to get things moving. He is in training out of state and makes it home on the weekends (he did take a few days leave when the A was discovered). I feel like I am being delusional. As much as he has broken me I still want him to hug me and hold my hand.
He says he could talk to the OW like he couldn't talk to me anymore. He says he knows that isn't an excuse but that's why he thinks it happened. He has not blamed me for anything. And I have not blamed myself for anything.
He has given me access to everything and has put a tracker on his phone so I have access to his phone records. He is willing to go to a MC, we were lucky to get an apt when he took leave. And hope we can get in again soon, but I am sure it will have to wait another 6 weeks until he is done with training. He refuses to go to an IC. He says that he is more then happy to go to a MC but he only wants to talk to me about his problems, like we used to before. He got an STD test (Negative thank heavens!!) And I found a Retrouvaille program happening close in a few months he said he will go to.
He has cried over what he did. More then I have cried. I want to believe him, that he truly means it and not because he is sorry he got caught. It is so hard not to have trust anymore. I feel so empty. I told him that I cant tell him I love him anymore, I slipped a few times at first. Because I loved the man I married and who was my best friend for 9 years. I do not love the man he has become. When I told him that he broke down.
While he was home we took our kids on a day out. It was actually a lot of fun. I don't think I had really smiled until that day. But then I checked his phone tracker. A number similar to the OW had sent him a text, I asked him about it and surprise surprise "I never got a text" I dropped it since the kids were around. When we got home I had a computer genius moment and tracked who the number belonged to, a friend of the OW. I asked him again and he said that he did get a message from her friend. Saying he needed to contact the OW if he had any decency. He didn't contact her, or send a text back. I told him that because of this we had taken another step back. He has no office phone or house phone that he could do it on. I don't think she isn't going to let this go (she didn't know he was married) I think next time he is home I am going to have him call her, with me sitting next to him, and have him give her the NC talk. I think I will break down just hearing her voice.
It hurts knowing I will never get the full truth, I want to contact the OW so much, but I know she can lie too, and if she does or even tells me the truth it will send me into a bigger spiral if it is anything different then what he says. Which I feel it will be.
Sorry this is long, just needed to get some feelings out.
He says he could talk to the OW like he couldn't talk to me anymore.
Gently...he is shifting blame here - he is intimating that you were difficult to talk to so he was "forced" to talk to someone who "understood" him.
He refuses to go to an IC. He says that he is more then happy to go to a MC but he only wants to talk to me about his problems, like we used to before.
This concerns me. He does not want to do the heavy lifting required for R. He has to get to the root of his issues to fix what is broken. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS FOR HIM. MC is a good thing (if he is truly remorseful) - but IC is key. No more rugsweeping. JMHO.
I think next time he is home I am going to have him call her, with me sitting next to him, and have him give her the NC talk. I think I will break down just hearing her voice.
No need for him to call. Send her a NC letter, certified. In it make sure it is stated that any further contact from her will result in legal action. This letter has to be sent by your WH with you present to read the letter. Others will have great NC letter ideas...it needds to be simple and to the point. No I'm sorry's...etc.
I want to contact the OW so much, but I know she can lie too
SHE WILL LIE. Especially given her desperation (she NOW knows he's married and is still trying to contact him...she'll stop at nothing, trust me).
I'm so sorry.
Sending strength & hugs...
My ex travelled a ton too, and when we were in R, we made certain stipulations to improve trust. One, he had to call me every night and be willing to "hang out on the phone" for an hour or two. Sometimes it was simply both watching a tv program at the same time. Traveling was a huge trigger to me since he would take AP's with him while he travelled…that is how he hide the A's. The last partner didn't know my ex was married either.
Hang in there!
I am going to start IC soon and in our next MC session I am going to bring up the IC issue again. I think he has some demons he is struggling with, not all related to the A but they are still there. What do I do if the MC says that she doesn't see much of a benefit of him doing IC and she thinks just MC would be good?
Our insurance doesn't cover very many people.
I will have to dig up her address. I brought up the NC phone call and he says that he doesn't want to call her or have anything to do with her. But if she calls or has her friend try to contact him again then he will.
[This message edited by BrokenMomof2 at 2:18 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]
I will say with 100% surety if he had not had counseling on an individual basis, we would have divorced. There was a lot of baggage - part of it was emotional immaturity and his "KISA" (Knight in Shining Armour) syndrome, and serious boundary issues. I have PTSD (exacerbated by his infidelity); I had to deal with this on an individual basis as well.
It was very beneficial to have the same C for IC and MC. She knew us both - and NEVER revealed what we said in confidence in IC, but wove it perfectly into MC.
Please understand, that IC/MC is not a "quick fix" - FWH and I were in both for almost 2 years (not as frequent after the first 6 months, but we still went). It took 3 months for her to help him out of the fog and to show him that the "friendships" he was having with the OWs (especially OW #2, who was supposedly my friend) were not appropriate.