I don't even know where to start....I read some of the articles and links in the healing library. tried to do some of the suggestions with limited success so far. I have no idea how much detail I'm allowed to post or not, so I'll keep it general. Some backstory, my wife has been depressed etc for the last 9 years. After the birth of our daughter, the PPD has been very severe for the past 9 months.
Found out my W had at least an EA with an old high school friend that started about 18 months ago. She fabricated a total lie to go on a trip (she told me she was meeting her family she stayed with while overseas in college)and the OM helped her with this lie. I only found out because I had to restore my cell phone to her last backup, and I got her copy of the text conversations. I was with ou 9 month old daughter in the middle of the grocery store when I saw it on 11/3. I felt like I had been shot. My stomach and chest hurt. This same OM brought his son to visit us about 6 weeks after that initial trip. I babysitted for an evening while they went out...how could I have been so blind? Easy, I trusted.
I immediately fired off an email to the OM, with a couple of questions, and the promise that the next time I see him, it will not go well for him. I then texted my W and told her we needed to talk when I got home. She immediately called and I informed her I knew about it as I walked about the grocery store. I then hung up and proceeded to finish up the shopping then headed home, and completely ignored my wife while I spent my entire day with my daughter.
After my daughter went to bed, I demanded to know everything. She denied that anything had happened beyond what I had discovered. She admitted to lying about the premise of the trip, and that even for the last few days of it, the OM wife was there too, so that nothing happened. My W claims that when the OM and his son came to visit, nothing happened, they just met some friends from high school in a bar. We left the conversation as we both agreed that we want to work things out. Later I found her crying in bed talking about suicide, life insurance, divorce. I just told her to call a cab if she needed to go to hospital, if not, let me know. I made her assure me that she could take care of our daughter.
Sunday night, instead of working, I found this site and did a bunch of reading. Continued that reading into Monday. And tried to have a conversation with her Monday night (11/4) I asked to go through details of trip and subsequent visit. She told me they only kissed and couldn't go through it. And that nothing at all happened on the subsequent trip.
She refused to do a NC letter, but agreed to NC. However I had to ask her 3 days later (11/7) why the OM contact information was still on our phone.
She outright refused to give me complete and total access to her cell phone, emails, and social networking accounts. Yes, this really bothers me. She claims it would shred her sense of privacy and that if I can't trust her we should just end the marriage. I told her if I can't see her phone, that my mind will now always expect the worse, and that it will be more difficult for me to trust again. And we had the circular argument "if you can't trust we should D" and "just show me the phone" back and forth.
I go between the denial stage, and hurt stage. It would be really easy to just bury my head and soldier on, pretend my feelings don't count, pretend what she did doesn't matter. But I know, if I had done the "exact" same thing that she did, I would be paying for it in spades. I know I'm already letting her off easy. She has physical and mental health issues (which have been a major part of our marriage)and my top priority is my daughter.
Oh well, if nothing else comes of this at least a vented a bit.
EDIT 1/16/14-The OM from Adult Friend Finder (which I did not know about when I originally wrote this post) was in my house with my WW when I was posting this.
[This message edited by Michman at 12:04 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]