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marlie2014 posted 11/12/2013 14:51 PM

So WS is not totally moved out. He started about 10 days ago but his clothes are still in the house, and he still comes at least once per day and sometimes sleeps on the couch. I heard him come in last night after I had gone to bed and found him on the couch this morning, snoring his head off wearing his street clothes with his bathrobe draped over the top as a makeshift blanket.

I think he's having a hard time letting go. I did not kick him out; he chose to move out. However, he knows he is not welcome to move back in unless he fulfills the conditions I asked for after D-Day, and that's not happening.

Still, he'll come over and use the computer, watch tv, ask if we can watch a movie together (his favorite form of recreation and relaxation), and ask what there is to eat. I think he has hated the taste he's had so far of living alone -- actually, he's said so more than once -- and comes over for a while to get his "wifey" fix.

I am not yet legally in a position where I can really kick him out (still at least 3 months or so left before I could try), so I try to be nice and keep the peace. However, sometimes my tongue gets the better of me and I make a comment that makes him mad. He related a story to me yesterday of an older lady who saw us together and asked him admiringly where he found such a beautiful wife. He told me this with a note of pride in his voice. My reply was, "Why didn't you tell her the rest?" He said, "What?" I said, "The part where your wife's beauty wasn't enough for you." And he was mad. At least I didn't finish the sentence, which would have included words like "and I will never have enough because I'm a compulsive twisted sex addict."

Sometimes his requests for watching a movie together (which nearly always includes an attempt to cuddle) or asking for something to eat make me indignant, but I don't really know what to do other than to set boundaries. Such as, no, you can't attempt to feel me up if I'm next to you on the couch during a movie. You forfeited that right after you screwed twenty other people and gave me STD's. And since you haven't taken one single step to change, why should I allow it?

Even so, I find it hard sometimes to know how to act. I don't want to risk losing my house and so I try to bite my tongue; OTOH, I wonder when he will stop dropping by and even more so, when he will stop calling me if I'm not home to f ind out where I am!

newlysingle posted 11/12/2013 14:57 PM

Have you sought legal advice. I'm confused as to why you can't make him leave. Even if he doesn't, you do NOT need to continue to be his wife. Why are you watching movies with him? Cooking for him?, etc. you need to set some serious boundaries. We also had to do in house separation for a short time. It was hell. I did not cook for him, do his laundry or spend any time with him. He would retreat to his own room at night and stay there.

He does not get his cake and get to eat it too.

Housefulloflove posted 11/12/2013 15:29 PM

Such as, no, you can't attempt to feel me up if I'm next to you on the couch during a movie. You forfeited that right after you screwed twenty other people and gave me STD's.

He also lost the right to sit next and watch a movie. He's definitely cake-eating and jackasses like him LOVE cake. As long as you're serving it (which you're definitely doing by watching a movie with him) he's going to eat it up!

Definitely see a lawyer and get a consult (which may be free) and see what you can legally do to help him get a clue like changing the locks the next time he's gone or filing for temp orders giving you exclusive use of the house and THEN immediately changing the locks. I would also make his stay A LOT less pleasant. Don't cook for him, shop for him, clean a damn thing of his, sit with him, have a friendly convo in the house with him..etc..basically nothing you did as a wife.

Gemini71 posted 11/12/2013 21:25 PM

Read up on the 180. Invite a friend over for a 'packing party' and get his shit out of the house. Put it all in the garage or shed where he can 'visit' it without bugging you.

It's hard dealing with a Sex Addict.

((hugs))

marlie2014 posted 11/12/2013 22:05 PM

Thanks.

The reason I can't just kick him out is that, at present, I cannot legally own our home. I am about to become a citizen of the country in which we live and he is willing to make that happen before we file for divorce. But if we divorced before I got that citizenship (which is only a few months away), I would lose everything I have invested here. Which is quite a lot.

So I've been trying to play my cards very carefully.

However, when I came home from work today he was moving out the last of his stuff. He said he realized he was trying to hold on and that it wasn't right, since he's the one who made the decision to leave. As twisted as it is, he has been trying to not screw me over twice by letting me keep the house. My name will be on the title shortly. He has also done a great deal of repair work to it, saying he didn't want to leave me with things broken. He also had a high metal front gate installed (in this country it's a common anti-theft device that most homes have) with sharp spikes on top and put a deadbolt on my front door.

As far as asking me for something to eat, well, I don't cook for him. I just tell him what's in the fridge. But yes, I suppose I haven't been very successful at the 180 so far. Truthfully it's been hard for me to let go, too.

I did see a divorce lawyer. He advised me to keep the peace until the ink is dried on the citizenship papers. I know that he is right. OTOH, it doesn't mean cuddling on the couch watching movies together.

If he keeps coming around now that all his stuff is out, I'll just have to be so busy for a while that he gives up trying.