Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: how do you tell someone you want to date other people?
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, yeah.
I like this guy I'm dating, but I don't want to be exclusive. How do I tell him?

FWIW, we've been seeing each other since Labor Day, adn only can see each other EOW as we both have kiddos and those are our weekends "off". I like him, but I don't feel the "OMG squee" feeling.

Gawd, I feel badly for even asking this. He's a nice guy, but I'm jsut not feeling it.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you want to date other people?

Do you think it will wake a dormant squee for him, or do you hope to find squee with someone else?

Might be kinder to just end things if he is ready to be exclusive and you aren't. You both have limited free time as it is.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3575 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont knwo what I want. I think that is the issue. I like being with him but long term I know it can't work.
so I guess my issue is do I jsut go along for the FUN and live for now? Or think long term?

I'm obviously confused.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like being with him but long term I know it can't work.
Then tell him that but do not tell him he's a nice guy. Just be honest that you enjoy his company (or however you would characterize it) but there isn't a relationship there.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4118 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think if you continue dating him…are you leading him on?

I think if I had been dating someone 2 months, and he wasn't feeling it, I'd rather he be honest with me so we could both move on.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, November 12th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only you know underneath what is going on.

Has he asked for exclusivity? If he hasn't why bring it up?

If you know you definitely don't like him or there are other factors that would make it highly possible for a future breakup then end it.

If you like him but are on a fence I would still continue to see him. Part f this journey is learning about yourself and you might like him more than you think and are self protecting.

I will only say be honest. If exclusivity is brought up say you are not ready to be exclusive. He might walk away but you take that risk.

Time will tell. As far as leading him on I think you need to figure out your feelings first and you owe him that so if he starts to get too close let him know once again where you are and you set the boundary for him too - he can choose to stay in or not.


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, if you know this is not long term, are you just keeping him around until you find something better?
You owe it to him to be completely truthful with him and let him know that although you enjoy his company, he isn't what you are looking for long term.

Then if he is okay with just hanging out "as friends" that is fine, but it is important to be honest.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15545 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Ready_to_run
♂ 20954
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I don't feel the "OMG squee" feeling.

This is highly overated I think you will learn as you go along.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(omg I'm feeling the exact same thing Nutmegkitty...so I'm spying on this thread for SI wisdom and have no solutions/input/wisdome to contribute!)


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nutmegkitty
♀ 33882
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you like him but are on a fence I would still continue to see him. Part f this journey is learning about yourself and you might like him more than you think and are self protecting.

you may be on to something.

It is very hard/confusing for me not to be able to identify my feelings! I obviously have some introspection to do. Or maybe I do too much of that already and should just relax a little. Wishy washy, party of one.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2624 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could it be your " picker" is still set on narcissist? So attracted to the bad boy that mr nice guy who will treat you right and not Cheat seems safe?

I'm dating a nice guy right now. I had the same thoughts in the beginning. But I decided to try something. Different. Everyday he impresses me more and more. Slow, steady, kind, treats me great.

I agree, the squee is overrated. I'm looking for a love that grows


Posts: 347 | Registered: Feb 2011
positively4thst
♀ 23998
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like this guy I'm dating, but I don't want to be exclusive. How do I tell him?

Is this a trick question? Doesn't matter whether you are dating a guy or a "gal". Honesty rules and if you are having difficulties expressing something like this, you probably shouldn't be dating yet. I don't think it's him, I think it is you and the stage you are at. You are not ready for an open and honest relationship.


Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2009
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys had the "Exclusive" talk yet?
If not, I wouldn't stress over it yet. When you get to that point, just tell him you're not ready to be exclusive with anyone yet and go from there.

If you HAVE had the talk and are supposed to be An Item, then you either need to let him know or let it ride until you know what you really want.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6737 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one who believes..."Fast relationships are like fast food....satisfying for the moment, but you're hungry an hour later."

Guess what I mean is that seldom does that squee thing last for too long. It wears off after a while, kinda like fantasy world for our ex waywards I believe. For me it takes time to grow. Don't get me wrong, but the "fun" part of a new relationship is great. But you just might be subconsciously protecting yourself from more hurt or drama that can come with an exclusive relationship. It's hard to jump full throttle back into things emotionally. In our situation it will takes time, maybe years. I read about many a BS's on here that get remarried after say two years from dday or divorce and I'm like.."How do you just do that?"

I believe you gotta be friends first. This doesn't mean dreaming about unicorns and rainbows with that person but looking at red flags, taking it slowly and seeing what lies underneath. If you or he haven't brought up the exclusivity thing then I wouldn't worry about it right now. It's been only two months and I get wanting to see what else might be out there. You are in it for the fun right now after what you've been through. Not more hard work. I had enough hard work.


BS(me) 48
WW 47
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
torn2bits
♀ 28376
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, November 14th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think people can overcomplicate things sometimes. I have a guy that I dated that wants to be more than friends. I really like talking to him and he's a lot of fun, but we can't have a future.

We had this talk. The other guy knows I talk to the first guy because I like talking to him.

Sometimes he and I get lonely; we have fun when we are with each other. I am dating the other guy because he has traits that I enjoy as well.

What I am saying is....as long as he knows what the deal is, no problem seeing him. You have fun with him, no harm as long as he knows what direction you are going in.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.