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Nothing but a big old whine-fest

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Housefulloflove posted 11/12/2013 15:20 PM

I feel like I just finished a 10 year long game of playing house with a very young child. That child got tired of playing at the end of last year and quickly returned to being a big kid.

Every decision he makes shows his complete lack of insight and maturity. He has ruined his life in every possible way and is too damn stupid to even see it or do anything but continue to mess up everything. He is mentally a child which makes him a piss-poor father. The only thing he has consistently done (so far) is pay CS. That is it. At this point I can't talk to him about anything involving the kids because it's like he literally can't understand English at times. Yet no matter how little he does, he sees a great man and a great father so nothing compels him to do better.

The long list of stupid shit he's done that continues to grow and the consequences he deals with because of it doesn't make a bit of difference. He will stick to the same idiotic course if it costs him everything (and it pretty much has). This time last year he was a man with a wife, three kids, a big home that he owned, 2 completely paid off cars, a decent chunk of savings, no debt, a retirement account...a future! Now...nothing but his job that gives him an income to blow on stupid shit. He currently doesn't even have a damn car (Mr. Repo man finally showed up). I'm barely getting any SS but since he has nothing and it's a piddly amount anyway, it's not even worth fighting for. I'm just thankful that I have not been dependent on SS (CS is unfortunately a different story since I'm a 10-year SAHM who has only been able to attain a part-time job so far).

He has always been the king of non-answers but now I'll ask him a basic question or say something in the simplest and most straight-forward way possible and he still can't seem to grasp what I'm saying. He didn't want to be a husband anymore because the single man's grass looked greener. Fine, whatever. Now that he sees it's not, he won't even pretend to be a decent father or anything else anymore. He just wallows in self-pity , tells stupid lies (that I don't bother to let on that I know it's a lie anymore) and make stupid excuses while doing the most asinine things instead of trying to get himself together.

If I hadn't read so damn much about PD's I would swear down he just literally lost his mind.

I'm so sick of dealing with this small child in a gigantic body and seeing his stupidity change our kid's lives for the worst. He uses his self-created disaster of a life as an excuse to be a completely uninvolved father. He's waiting for me to make everything as easy as possible so he can be out of "reasons" for being such a waste of oxygen. It's not fair to them that they no longer have a father after spending their entire lives living with illusion of a decent one. It would be one thing if he had died but it's like he had a mental and moral death while his body just keeps going. Of course the kids don't understand what happened, hell..I barely have a grasp on what happened.

I wish he would get some fucking help so that he can do better for himself and our kids. But he won't. The odds are excellent that he never will and even if he lives to be 100, he will die the same immature and illogical asshole he is today.

TrustGone posted 11/12/2013 16:13 PM

Unfortunately the likelyhood of him ever changing is slim to none. Most NPD's can't see themselves as anything but the great person they think they are. The only thing you can do now is stay NC on everything but the basics on the kids and even that you will debate if it's worth the effort.

I D XWH#1 over 10yrs ago and he still blames me for him screwing up his life. He has alieniated his own family and the only people that have anything to do with him are those as screwed up as he is. It is amazing how they can't see what they are doing to themselves, but they just can't. Feel free to whine, it's about all you can do at this point. (((HUGS)))

tesla posted 11/12/2013 18:40 PM

I hear you loud and clear.
I am convinced that ex-shat used to be logical and reasonable. Sure can't tell anymore...nothing he does makes sense.
But this is what happens...these types are probably attracted to us because we have our shit together, we can be their conscience, we can help guide them through an adult world. We were their stablizing forces.

Alas...without us, they have only themselves or their crazy-ass OW's to help guide them through the subtleties of the grown-up world. Clearly it's not working for your piece of shit and it sure as hell ain't working for mine.

jemimapd posted 11/12/2013 19:39 PM

But this is what happens...these types are probably attracted to us because we have our shit together, we can be their conscience, we can help guide them through an adult world. We were their stablizing forces.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And then they can resent us for it and feel "controlled" and therefore give themselves permission to have affairs. And everything they don't achieve isn't because they sat on the couch every single fucking night watching old episodes of the Twilight Zone instead of getting the necessary qualifications..... but because we didn't "let them".

Recently STBX recently blamed me for not letting him "follow his dreams". And yet I distinctly remember going to the community college to get the brochure WH needed for his career idea and it gathering dust unread.

House, the reason your WH had all those things was because of you and the reason his life is a mess now is because of him.

Iamacrab posted 11/12/2013 21:47 PM

I agree with the idea of this, it really was us keeping it all going. An example. STBXH texted me within last 2ish weeks to ask what website would be best to post his résumé on based upon his profession. This is the résumé I wrote him while in false R, btw, that was lying on the floor of where he lives partially falling out of the folder I put it in. When I went to go give food to the cats bc he had no money, but somehow has money for dating. I digress.

So, because I sometimes engage when I shouldn't, I asked why he would think to ask me. He said "we help each other. If it was something I knew a lot about to help you I'd expect you to ask and I'd give you my expertise" - yea right. That only applies when I'm helping you.

I'm here struggling w every crumb I have to move forward bc of course I can just do it. As STBX says "you're the strongest person I know, crab" - yep, just pile it on.

Hugs to you housefulloflove. You are not alone. They're now these aliens that just look like our WSs that are lost without us helping them through even the smallest moments of life. My STBX is right, we are strong, even without them.

Housefulloflove posted 11/13/2013 12:21 PM

I D XWH#1 over 10yrs ago and he still blames me for him screwing up his life.

10 years from now I'll likely be able to say the same thing. They are all so pathetic and so similar. It's so ironic that people who feel so special and unique are damn near like walking clones of one another.

Tesla- You're right and it's so frustrating that they will never see that.

Thanks Jemima and iamacrab! It's amazing that people can be so detached from reality.

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