I don't have confidence that I can heal myself. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Not true for me. What didn't kill me left me damaged and vulnerable.
I went through terrible things in my 20s and 30s. Violence, illness, death of family members. Nearly nearly died myself. Several different and entirely unrelated traumas. It is amazing I survived. I worked so hard to overcome those traumas with IC and unbelievable determination. I am so proud of what I overcame and what I achieved. As a result, in my 40s, I had a miraculous renaissance - mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally. I finally saw the possibility of health, joy and happiness in life. I thought my marriage was one of the great achievements of my life.
Unbeknownst to me, this period coincided with my husband's MLC - and multiple affairs that I discovered last October/November (one PA, multiple EAs, ONS, etc.).
The discovery of his cheating has destroyed me. The worst thing is that he (particularly at the beginning of reconciliation) blamed his cheating on having to go through those previous traumas with me. So now the belief that those traumas were part of my past, that I was a survivor not a victim - it all seems delusional now.
In fact, those past traumas caught up to me and destroyed my marriage. Now instead of being in the past, those events are part of my life in the form of a damaged marriage. They are no longer my past. They are my present and my future.
It feels too much.
By the way, I don't really hate myself. I am just so miserable. For one thing, you wouldn't believe how I have aged in the past year. A year ago I was attractive for my age. Now I have severe Rosaea from stress that can't be covered up by make up. I look 10 years older. It is enough of a self esteem hit that my husband left me emotionally years ago (despite using me sexually throughout that time)... it is made worse now to know that now I look awful by any objective standard.
But I can't divorce. We have a troubled child who wouldn't survive.
As you can see, I am throwing myself a major pity party!
And the person whom I used to turn to for support (my husband) is now my major source of pain.