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roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 16:51 PM

Not in R yet, but working with that in mind. There are many gifts OW bought my WH that he used regularly. They have all been trashed now. Part of me wants to reclaim those things and gift to WH. At the same time I feel like that would be some weird competition, trying to be like her for him.

I wonder the same thing about places they spent time. Some places i don't care, but some locations we would frequent and they also ate/got rooms there. Have avoided these locations so far. I am wondering if it would be thereapuetic to take ownership back, or if its best to avoid.

I also wonder what the impact would be on WH... Will it make him feel bad, drudge up old memories of her?

What2Thnk posted 11/12/2013 16:58 PM

I go through this same thing a lot. If you feel like you need to do it, reclaim those things and places, Be prepared to trigger hard and often when you first try to. Consider trying to go places without your WS, if you don't want to have him witnessing you trigger. Be prepared to decide you aren't ready yet, and that you'll never know when/if you are ready, be prepared to decide that it isn't worth it.

Yes it will be hard for your WH to do this, he will likely trigger as well. It's kind of an indication of how willing he is to R that he is willing to do this with you. It will be hard for WS because of his guilt and because of having to watch you go through the pain you will likely feel.

Be gentle with yourself. And let yourself decide that this isn't something you can reclaim, if it seems like it's not working for you. In my case there are things that I have been able resolve, and there are some places I know I will never be ok going with my WS. That's just a consequence of the A.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/12/2013 16:59 PM

I definitely feel this sometimes. My father used to always say "when in doubt, do without"
I think it fits here. Someday I think reclaiming things is a good idea. When you know you're ready- and in small ways. I wouldn't try to replace the gifts. To me, those would be personal- from her to him. Leave those alone.
As far as places go- again- if you are ready. But I prefer to fin new places and new things to help create memories. I don't want to recreate his A. I'm better than that- I want to rebuild and create new memories- untainted, unstained.
Maybe someday I will be there- today is not that day.
I wish you peace right now- whatever you decide.

Rebreather posted 11/12/2013 17:01 PM

I don't think I would do it with the gifts, but as for locations and experiences, yes, over time I reclaimed all of those things. There was one place I didn't as I just kept fighting it and eventually its hold over me disappeared.

Remorseful waywards won't have any fond memories of the AP when doing this. They may feel poorly, and guilt ridden but that's ok. Affairs are about hiding from their pain. Recovery must include facing that pain dead on in order to heal from it.

Jrazz posted 11/12/2013 17:04 PM

I don't think of it as a weird competition. I would take back anything you feel the inclination towards.

There's something very primal about "marking our territory" and I think that you can benefit from both the physical and symbolic gestures.

I would talk with WH about your feelings on the matter, to see what his response might be. Working as a team on this issue is pretty key.

(((roar)))

roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 17:04 PM

Good advice. H is willing, and has suggested it, for the places we went together regularly that they went to as well. I don't feel this way for places they went where I'd never go (gross restaurants do they wouldn't be seen). He says he knows it will be hard, but those places have meaning for us, not the A. So this is a good sign?

The gift thing hurts because I feel like he's got more use out if gifts from her than ones I bought. But like I told him, I don't buy you cigars and humidors because I care enough not to encourage you getting lung cancer.

I guess day by day and case by case.

Razor posted 11/12/2013 17:23 PM

Everyone is different.

I tried many many times to reclaim places, even things we did that WW did with OM. I triggered heavily the first attempt and it subsided a bit as I tried to reclaim again. But the triggering has never gone away.

When we go places. A restaurant or a nice little shopping district near the sea. I am still alert and looking to see if OM is there. I envision them there together. And I just cant take it.

WW has not been completely open with me about everything with her LTA. So there are many places they went together that I dont even know about. Some I suspect. But there are likely others that I have no idea about.

Everywhere we went I was on edge. It was starting to affect my health. So we moved.

Moving is extreme and not possible for most. But for me it was possible so we did it. We moved to a completely new city. One where I am certain they never went. Its a clean slate.

For me this was the only option that would work.

I hope it will be different for you.

cancuncrushed posted 11/13/2013 21:13 PM

OW moved. Unfortunately, H has business meetings in her city. I have gone with him now for 4 years. It is hard. I cant say that I will ever enjoy it, they traveled to this city together. So its a trigger and a possibility of seeing her. WHen I pointed out , after 4 years, she was literally across the street, he moved us 30 miles away to a different hotel..... He still has meetings across the street from her. Now I am 30 miles away....He was trying to protect me. But I almost feel he is protecting her. They are certainly too close in prox. ITs never going to be great. He doesnt see my issue. Everything in this city, area, hotel is their past. . So far, its not mine. Shes too close by.

cantaccept posted 11/14/2013 05:48 AM

Moving, I said this to h last night after a day of triggers.

I have been thinking about this since I woke up today. There are just so many reminders, everywhere. How can you stay focused on the present when everywhere you go there it is.

I try to talk to myself. That was then, it is over, that is the past. It is only a place, just a place.

We have gone back to a couple of places that he took her. Places that we used to go together. It feel terrible, I get through but it has not been okay yet. Maybe just repetition? Do it over and over until you desensitize? I have no clue.

I find I trigger less when I stay home. Home though has its own triggers, maybe I am getting used to those and that takes away their power.

No matter where I go in my normal day there are reminders. He was dating her, going out on dates, it just doesn't seem real to me still. It still feels like a bad dream and then the shock of yes, he really did these things.

Yesterday, work, driving to appointments, a billboard of a restaurant they went to, driving on the road that they traveled together, pictures flashing in my head of the drive, walking in the door together, talk over lunch, shopping. It just seems too normal. It seems like my life but with a replacement.

Sometimes wish I could move, just get away from all the external reminders. I have enough in my head without having to face these reminders every day. It just feels like there are too many.

I will watch this thread carefully. I want to be able deal with this. To be able to just have these triggers come to be nothing more than places without the emotion.

Is it just time? What really works to lessen the reaction to them?

rachelc posted 11/14/2013 06:27 AM

This is why I don't get the MCs sdvice that moving won't help. My husband took two OW to 15 placed around town. They both still live here.
Yesterday hubby said "if something was going to happen with these women don't you think it would have happened by now?"
Yep ppl don't get it.,..