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Promising fidelity

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roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 17:45 PM

I am curious- for all of you in R, did your WS do the work and promise to never have anyone else again?

We are only 2 months in. WH is working through his own issues. He has not yet made this promise. Frankly if he had made it before any work was done it would have been meaningless. I've asked him, he says he hopes he can promise me that soon but doesn't want to until he has done the work, he wants that promise to be made when he can come to me confident in it and pure, so it isn't just lip service. Hard to hear, but I give him credit for honesty. He's never been faithful a day in his life to anyone and is worried and scared he can't do it.

Has anyone had similar experiences and successful R? I worry the longer we are in limbo the harder it will be gor him to say he cant promise, if thats his truth. I can't imagine me committing to R if he has doubts... It's part of the reason we are in limbo stage still.

AFrayedKnot posted 11/12/2013 17:51 PM

I would respect that honesty much more than someone who adamantly swears they will never do it again. Humility is a powerful yet rare trait.

ETA: and yes I cheated in every relationship I was in my entire life until I started working on myself. I have been faithful ever since, 10 years and counting.

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:00 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

painfulpast posted 11/12/2013 17:55 PM

He's never been faithful a day in his life to anyone and is worried and scared he can't do it.

????? So he's been cheating for your entire 10 years?

If he can't promise you that he can be faithful, then forget R, you aren't even in a committed relationship at all. You are dating, even if you live together. If he cannot promise to be faithful he never should have gotten involved with you.

If it were me, and he said that, I'd leave and tell him to call me when he's ready to say that, because that's what I deserve.

I can't say that R can't work and that eventually he won't say that, but I wouldn't waste my time until he does. Start the 180. His honesty about being a sleaze isn't commendable. It should be enough to wake him up to what a dog he is, but it isn't. I wouldn't trust this guy, at all.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sure being with him for a third of your life this is hard, but there are better guys out there, guys you won't have to try so hard with, guys who will respect you.

My guess is that his A is just underground and that's why he won't say it.

roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 18:03 PM

He's a serial, yes. I am not doing the 180 though because he is remorseful and is doing hard work in MC and IC. He is trying to work through his "why". To clarify he hasn't said he won't promise me that, simply that he hasn't done enough work on him and the why to be able to give me that from a place that is pure. He's saying he wants to give me that, but I deserve it when he's done more work and isn't afraid of it.

His A is over. He knows I need that promise. We've talked about what will happen if he can't. And knows I am not waiting forever for it. I figure if 4-5 mo post DDay (IC and MC since dday)if he can't promise it, and promise to continue the work to stick to it, I shouldn't wait any more. If he can't by then he won't ever.

Just wondering if anyone else's wayward took time to make this commitment like my WH.

sri624 posted 11/12/2013 18:40 PM

i had to respond to this post because i can relate. when i learned about my husband's 1st a...we attempted to r. and what bothered me the most was that he didnt seem to be doing everything i needed him to do to make me heal. he just wasnt...even though at times he talked a good game. but what bothered me the most even though i put my head in the sand and pretended that it didnt matter...."as long as he was being honest" that he would say that he would never cheat on me again...but "you never know what can happen in 15 years." yes, he would actually say that. the time, i rationalized it and said that "at least he was being honest...and who really knows what the future will bring anyway?"

that was wrong. i see that now. i learned 9 months later that i was in a false r. he had acutally been cheating with ANOTHER woman he met on the internet 15 years older than us. so he was full of crap the whole time. he could not commit to "never cheating" on me again because he was in fact still doing it. he had no desire to end his wayward behavior. and that is just the fact.

we are attempting a real r now...and he now says that he will never do this crap again. and he is doing the work to show me that he is serious...none of which he did before. and the biggest difference is me. I AM DIFFERENT. he knows that he could NEVER tell me that again, or he would be divorced.

after someone cheats on in the world can we ever be happy or attempt to r with them if they cant even say they wont do it again?

how can they not be sure they wont create that kind of pain for their spouse. i can say without a doubt that i will not cheat on my h....period. i took vows, and i will honor them...and if i am married to him, i expect him to take them just as seriously. there is NO in between. you are either going to keep it zipped or you are not.
and if you arent sure...then we are not in r.

dont be like me and get hurt. if he doesnt "know", then see it as a red flag...not that he is cheating right now...but simply because you deserve a man to KNOW that you are the only one he wants to sleep with....forever.

roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 18:56 PM

Thanks for the advice. I saw him wanting to put in some work first as a good sign. If on DDay he'd said never again, without doing any work, that would have been rug sweeping to me. It isn't a nonchalant "I can't/wont promise" it is I want to promise, but want to understand why and make changes to before the promise is made. He's doing everything he should be to move this to R. He's done everything I and counsellor have asked/suggested, and even more.

Is this still a red flag to you?

AFrayedKnot posted 11/12/2013 19:25 PM

There is a saying in recovery "Just For Today". Never/Forever is a lot of pressure. Most people fear failure. Saying "Never" before having the coping skills to actually follow through is just setting yourself up to fear failure, get overwhelmed, and say fuck it I am always going to fuck up anyway.

Taking it a day at a time is realistic, humble, and esteem building.

forgivingnow posted 11/12/2013 19:30 PM

I think it sounds very positive that he wants to go to IC, work on himself and the why before a verbal commitment of fidelity. It took my husband a very long time before he was able to fully admit the truth & stop with lies of omission. That was this July/August of this year & he is now in IC, working on the why & talking about family issues/experiences that have contributed to his beliefs, behaviors. We had been working on "us" for over 2 years but NOW he is working on him. At 15 months from day, I would state I need a faithful husband to be married, "I know. I have been faithful since dday." Now I have promises of fidelity. We talk about boundaries, honesty & consequences & needs.
(((Roar louder))). My husband cheated for years, I had no idea, but I am so glad I stayed to R to be with the man he has become.
Trust your gut & do what feels right for you.

roarlouder posted 11/12/2013 19:56 PM

Thank you for all the advice and perspective. My gut says as long as he is doing the work and I see progress, I should give him some time. I want it to be real and honest if he promises, not out if fear and pressure. However, I also need to be aware of false R.

Dreamland posted 11/12/2013 23:52 PM

Yes he said it immediately but I wasn't buying it. Sometimes I think I am starting to believe him and then other times I am still thinking he's full of it because he can't tell me why he did it.. I starting to think he won't ever know...but if your H isn't remorseful nor telling you he was wrong or never wants to hurt you like that then he isn't "getting it"

Smokehouse posted 11/13/2013 03:11 AM

He made that promise when he married you! I feel your WH should have said I will never do that again and here are the steps I'm taking to ensure it never happens again. Then do the IC, MC, and whatever else it takes if he truly wants you and the marriage.

I would wonder if he is seeing how difficult a road it is for the two of you. Whether or not you can fully recover and not throw it in his face for the rest of your lives.

Not sure the issues your husband has but, why would it not be doable. He still wants you and the marriage! That in of itself should be enough for most. Some may need more, but still not hard to promise and keep.

If your husband truly loves you and is remorseful for his actions that caused this devastating pain, both mentally and physically, then to me it is a no-brainier of a promise.

Just from the experience of being the BS, I would never inflict that type of anguish on my WW.

sisoon posted 11/13/2013 09:48 AM


He already promised to be faithful to you, and you say he's always cheated. Why would you believe his promise so soon after D-Day? It take years to rebuild trust at best - after all the years of cheating, I imagine it should take decades to trust him again.

What will this promise do for you? (My W's promise to be faithful wouldn't do anything for me....)

heforgotme posted 11/13/2013 14:50 PM

, did your WS do the work and promise to never have anyone else again?

Mine has done and is doing the work. But now that you mention it, I can't remember him ever making that specific promise.

I think maybe I saw it as a given. And if so, that was a mistake.

He should say it. Mine should say it. They should all say it in no uncertain terms if they expect to stay with us.

Thanks for posting.

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