SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Kaya posted 11/12/2013 19:33 PM

Hi All,

I was a member here back in 2005 when WH was my bf at the time. There was an EA that went on but after we found out and resolved it (or so I thought), we moved on.

We got married in 2010 and now have a 15 months old DS (love him to death!) First, WH and I are not the best communicators in the world, he has these emotional outburst and when he's having one of these episodes I tend to shutdown and ignore him. Now with DS in the picture, it happens even more often because I don't want my DS to sense the negativity around us. I work full-time and by the time I get home after work, tend DS, put him to sleep, I am just completely exhausted. (WH and I both have very demanding career). Somewhere along the past 15 months, we were definitely distant from each other. I didn't feel it as much as WH did because I am so busy assuming my new role as a mom while continued to work full-time and honestly don't have the time to think about anything else. I was just in this "survival mode" with DS in the picture, however, I do not resent one bit having DS in my life. It is the greatest gift that LIFE has given me.

2 weeks ago, I felt that WH was getting even more aggressive with his words and he was very agitated in general. One little thing could set him off. On 11/1, he called and said he had to work late (very usual of him) and he came home at around 11:30pm. I sensed this tension around him when I tried to talk to him. But I brushed it off then thinking maybe he's just stressed. Then I went to sleep in DS room (I have been sleeping in DS room for the past 7 months, because I didn't want to disrupt WH sleep since he works long hours). On 11/3, he was responding to work e-mails on his phone, then he saw me looking at him, then he started lashing out at me for giving him attitude while he's tending work related stuff. That moment, I knew, something was up. He then said that he has to go to the office and work and would be home by 8pm and will bring home dinner.

Not going to details about how I found out, but I found car ride receipts, hotel receipts, etc. So I called him immediately when I knew he was meeting up with the OW. Before I asked him where he was, I gave a 5 sec pause, he pretended as if nothing was wrong. I told him, I love you, so please don't lie, I am sorry if you felt that this was the only way out for whatever problem we are having, but I know you are not going to pick up some food. Then he started crying on the phone. Basically, he said that he felt that I didn't care for him anymore, that we are just parents raising our son and there is nothing more. He wanted to come home to talk, but I told him to stay where he is until our son goes to sleep then we can talk. I was too angry that night to have any meaningful conversation with him. On Day 3, we talked and he agreed to go to marriage counseling so as much as I am hurt and being a train wreck those 3 days, I kept on going as normal as I could. Then I found out on Day 4 that he had purchased a pre-paid SIM card for his phone (after DDAY), that's when I lost my S***!!! I called him immediately and told him that if he's not committed to make this work, that's fine, he's not obligated to go through with this. He thought I was being crazy and didn't know where it was coming from until I confronted him about the SIM card. Then he went into a rage of how he's not my prisoner, I can't keep checking up on him, monitoring him, blah blah blah. I wanted to laugh!! I told him that I didn't even have to look at his PHONE to know something was up. If I had monitored his phone, this may not have spun out of control that it turned into a PA. I don't even know who the OW is and I honestly don't care because apparently she knows that he's married with a baby (they also did it in his CAR with a car seat in the back) and she didn't care so I have no respect for her whatsoever. At the end of the phone conversation, I told him to pack his bag and stay somewhere and clear his head before we have any further discussion.

Last Friday, I made an appt. with a marriage counselor and we just had our first session on Monday. We spent this first session discussing our issues. At the end of the session, the counselor said that the next session (tomorrow), we will address what happened (PA), and she said to him that it NEEDS to be addressed in order to move on.

GAHHHHHH It's been 10 days and I am constantly going through waves of emotions these days but I know that I am not shattered in pieces because I have DS to care for and being a Mom somehow gives you that amazing strength to power through things!!

I know I am 50% responsible for what went wrong in our Marriage but I am NOT responsible for his PA. He made the choice to cross that line, I didn't!!

painfulpast posted 11/12/2013 19:40 PM

I know I am 50% responsible for what went wrong in our Marriage but I am NOT responsible for his PA. He made the choice to cross that line, I didn't!!

^^^THIS^^^

You didn't do this, he did. If he felt like that, how about helping you out so you'd have time for him later? Or how about he get a sitter and you and he could go out sometime? Nope! Let's just CHEAT!!

He didn't even try - he just cheated. You didn't do this. You sound like you're doing great. You keep taking care of your son. The rest will take care of itself.

megs56 posted 11/12/2013 19:41 PM

I'm so sorry that you are here again. I am glad you understand that you aren't responsible for his PA. That took me awhile to figure out.

It's going to continue to be a roller coaster of emotions for awhile. I don't have any great advice for you. I just had another DDay recently and I am still trying to figure everything out. But I wanted you to know that you've been heard and I am sending you lots of hugs and strength (although you already sound very strong). :) Take care!

Kaya posted 11/13/2013 12:07 PM

Thanks for your kind words. Sometimes I am amazed with all the strength that I have to deal with this constant roller coaster of emotions!!

I think it has to do with the fact that I am surrounded by loving friends and family, even though I cannot share any of this with them, because I didn't want them to think less of WH. And every time when I get stuck at the "mind movie", I force myself to think of DS instead and immediately, I find myself at peace.

Another thing is that I realized this is his MO from past experience. When he goes through a deep depression, he tends to do things to self-destruct and having an affair somehow is an outlet for him (even though in the end it does more damage than good). So the A is 100% on him, not me. He most likely preyed on a target who is just as vulnerable as him, probably also are having some personal issues, and they thought somehow they can save each other. I may be naive and too much of an idealistic, but I do know that ANY woman with right mind, with self-respect, with self-worth would not meddle herself with a married man with a kid.

We meet again with the MC this afternoon and I can already sense the tension in the air this morning. The MC had said that this session, we'll need to address the A. I usually drop him off at his office in the morning before I drop DS off, then I head to work. He actually said that he's going to take the day off and meet me there. I think he needed the time to prepare himself for it and it's going to be hard for him to lay it all out in the open.

We both want the R, but sometimes I feel like I am the one that has to drag him through mud and make sure that he doesn't fall int that dark pit again, which allows no time for me to grieve over the A. I do also resent the fact that he didn't try harder, you were right, he took the easy way out this time and the two of us now have to pick up the pieces and restart.

SummerStorm21 posted 11/13/2013 13:23 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going through this again. I hope he knows how fortunate he is that you are even talking to him. I hope that you get the answers you need today, although I know how hard it will be to hear. Take care of yourself and your little one.

doggiediva posted 11/13/2013 13:42 PM

*****We both want the R, but sometimes I feel like I am the one that has to drag him through mud and make sure that he doesn't fall int that dark pit again, which allows no time for me to grieve over the A. I do also resent the fact that he didn't try harder, you were right, he took the easy way out this time and the two of us now have to pick up the pieces and restart.******

I know I may sound angry but who says you have to pick up the pieces and restart?

Focus on you and your little one and let your WH think of and do on his own the things to protect and take care of you and baby..

It makes me soooo mad to think we have to coddle our WH's thru what it takes to make us heal..

A husband/new father can get a baby sitter or plan a date/getaway and see it through..

They can do a lot and they don't have to cheat..

Hugs,

Sending you strength

tushnurse posted 11/13/2013 15:07 PM

(((Kaya)))
Welcome back. What a crappy thing to have to say.

You are amazingly strong, smart, and capable. I want you to stop thinking about him, and your M for just a few minutes. I want you to think about you, what you need, and what your baby needs. Is it a dad that has severe issues that cycle and leads to him disrespecting, and abusing the most important person in his life? Is this the model of parenting, and marriage that you want your son to grow up in?

Perhaps it would be better to raise your boy with a strong, smart mom who doesn't tolerate disresepect in any way shape or form , but demands it, and gets it, even if tha means you are doing it all on your own?

Do yourself a favor, and go see an Attorney find out what your rights are, and what his obligations are, protect yourself, and your baby. Know what possible outcomes there are.

You know you deserve so much more. At a minimum, even when he wasn't cheating it certainly sounds as if he is verbally abusive, when life isn't going his way.

BTW that whole thing that happens when you have a baby that they become the center of your world, and your focus is on them, not your M? Yah that is supposed to happen. It happens so you bond with, and take care of your baby. If Mr K felt neglected then perhaps he could have helped out with the baby more, and let you get a good nights sleep, or not have to worry about dishes and laundry too.

It makes me angry for you that he stole this time from you, and has made it about him. He seems to be ready to be angry, and intimidating about this already, you feeling tension already today? He doesn't get it. Perhaps him having to sleep on his momma's couch would open his eyes.

Read up on the 180, see a lawyer, get STD tested, and for Gods sake don't have sex without protection with him until he gets tested too.

Keep reading, keep posting, rely on that baby to bring you happy moments, and a source of strength.

doggiediva posted 11/13/2013 16:20 PM

Following this thread closely because it hits close to home for me even though for me the first D day was 27 years ago..

I swept things under the rug in the interests of not rocking the boat and keeping things in the M status quo.. After all we had a new baby to worry about....

I didn't have the family support that made it possible to live as separated/single with a new baby and not go nuts :/ I let my fears get the best of me...

I hate that you have been working full time, taking care of your new kiddo and you have to deal with an immature WH who turned your life upside down..

I agree with Tush Nurse..Get legal advice as to your rights and WH's obligations should you separate..I wish I had SI when I had my first D day 27 years ago which happened because my WH was claiming that too much of my attention went into taking care of our baby and not him..

I didn't know about bitch boots back then....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:21 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Kaya posted 11/14/2013 15:52 PM

We made it through yesterday's MC session. It was BRUTAL for both of us. He acknowledged what he did was wrong but he couldn't provide an answer why, other than he just did what he did. He said that he knew he was taking a risk but he obviously wasn't thinking. He said that he wanted a closure on the A and will answer any questions I have about the A. I said I don't need ANY details, I just needed to hear from you that you acknowledged that this happened and it was wrong, and you turned your back to our marriage during your moment of weakness. And I said to his face, I am NOT responsible for your A, you made the choice and took the leap. I am only half responsible for what went wrong in our M. My only question to him about the affair was if he has initiated NC and that I request 100% NC whatsoever even if she tries to contact him. I will need this from him before we can move forward and he agreed that it was more than a fair request. He said that that they stopped contacting each other after DDay.

The therapist said to him, do you realize how strong and brave your wife is by not asking any details. She said that she usually has to help the BS to get to this stage realizing that the A has nothing to do with BS, it is all about WS. I said to her, I am not asking because I am afraid to know, it's because I see OW as a collateral damage. As a wife and as a mother, I do not want to lower myself to the level of dealing with the OW who obviously has low self-esteem issues of her own and therefore gets herself involved with a married man. She is NOT worth my time. I wanted to be able to tell DS in future that while in crisis mode, there are ways to handle the situation gracefully, I wanted to be a model for him.

Towards the end of the session, hell froze over, he said to the therapist that he thinks he needs guidance on anger management, and that he would like to do IC on regular basis after our MC sessions.

I think WH is making his way back on earth from wherever he was before. I see that he's no longer taking his phone to bed. He was not jumpy when I sat next to him when he's going through work e-mails. He's helping out with DS and he volunteered to sleep with DS so I can have uninterrupted sleep.

I guess we are in R, so I will take the approach of "TRUST, but verify" for the next few months. Actions speak louder than any words for me, at least at this moment.

NeverAgain2013 posted 11/15/2013 10:52 AM

Bless you, Kaya.

This is the second time he's cheated and the second time you're willing to forgive him.

I hate to say it, but you're sending him a loud and clear message that he can cheat on you and you'll forgive him, and then you'll bust your butt putting things back together - jumping around like a trained seal - and he just kind of glides along doing minimal work and putting in minimal effort.

I feel bad because I think you deserve a lot better.

BrighterFuture posted 11/15/2013 15:30 PM

I agree with NeverAgain2013. He should do the work, not you. You're letting him off too easy. Why are you handling this so well so soon? Is it because he's cheated before and you knew he'd cheat again?

BrighterFuture posted 11/15/2013 15:35 PM

By the way, what should come first? Individual or marriage counseling? He should work on himself first before you can work on the marriage. The only victim and the only person who should be hurting is you. Please don't put your hurt in the same category as his.

Markone posted 11/15/2013 17:40 PM

No contact after dday? Why the SIM card?

Your session sounds promising and so make
sure he gets all the facts out now. Trickle truth
is a sure fire killer of R