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loba1957 posted 11/12/2013 20:12 PM

Some background. I am 56. My wife is 36. Her AP is 26. We have 4 children and have been together for almost 11 years.
On December 19th of last year I found pics on my wifes phone. They portrayed her in a sexual nature. To this day I donít know why I looked on her phone but I did. Up until this point I could have cared less about her phone or what may have been on it. That was the start of what I call my obsession.
I know that she sent the pics to someone but didnít recognize the number. It took me 3 days to find out that number belonged to a co-worker. I sat on that information for about a day before blowing up on Christmas Eve and telling her to leave. We talked that night for several hours. She explained that she liked being told how sexy and pretty she was. It made her feel good. It made her feel young. It made her feel good about herself. I was told that it was a mistake of herís sending those pics and it would never happen again. That was the gist of a conversation that lasted several hours.
Later I found out that on December 8th she took pics of herself wearing just a bra and jeans. During the month of January everything seemed to be ok. The whole story really didnít sound right to me and I would tell her that and each time she would re-assure me that everything was finished and I had nothing to worry about. We talked about it 3 times during January. I wanted to believe and I think I did to a point. But that nagging feeling in my gut never went away.
The night of January 31st I caught her texting him again. Up until then I had no proof of anything going on, no texts in the phone records, nothing out of the ordinary. On that night she had been at her APís sonís birthday party. Again I blew up. We spent the better part of 2 days talking about this. Basically according to her the texts were just innocent texts and nothing was going on. Again I was re-assured that I was the only one in her life. I even went as far as to send a Facebook message to her AP telling him to back off. I remember thinking that that should be the end of things. Now I cant even put into words how much of a fool I feel like right now as I write this.
I was on full alert now. I began digging for information. I started constructing my own timeline of events and everything that I found was added to this timeline. I have to add that I am an avid photographer. I have 100,00ís of pics. I do take quite a lot of pics of my wife and they include both nude and semi-nude ones. They arenít porn pics but they are nudes. Everytime we did a photoshoot I would send (thru text) what I thought the best ones were to my wife. I did this because she has always liked playing with pics. She likes to edit them, modify them, and some are posted to Instagram or Facebook. But she never posts pics that are in poor taste. They are all family type pics. But during the 3rd week of January my wife downloaded about 25 of those pics of herself, some were nudes and some were not. I never saw these pics being sent anywhere so I wasnít sure what to think. I figured she was just having fun editing them.
During February I could see changes. For instance she took a bunch of pics of herself wearing lingerie. What I found odd was that she took these pics right after we had finished making love. I would later find out that she sent several of these to her AP. She later told me that most of the time when she sent a pic to her AP she also sent the same pic to me. I have no idea why she did that. Any thoughts?
We had at least 7 separate conversations about what I thought was going on. Each time the response was the same. I was worried about nothing. I was her one and only. Until I joined this site I really had no idea how well constructed a WS lies really were. At this point I really had no proof that anything was going on. It was just all these little things that seemed out of place. And my gut feeling never went away, it just became stronger.
Things changed in March. It was now that I noticed that she began spending a long time getting ready for work in the mornings. She didnít do this all the time just certain times and usually during those times she would wear panties. She also began leaving early for work a lot. Again not all the time just on certain days. She downloaded about 15 pics of herself this month but she also starting sending me pics that she had taken of herself in the bathroom at work. Sometimes she would just remove her shirt. There was one where she pulled her jeans down to reveal her panties. That struck me as odd because she never used to wear panties. And during March we had another 6 conversations about what I thought was going on. It was always the same response and I was at the point where I was doubting myself. I really had nothing more than some odd behavior. And for the most part the things she would tell me sounded like they came from a loving spouse. I mean everyday we would text each other and she always made a point to tell me she loved me. We would joke with each other, talk about the kids, money problems, whatever. There would be times when she would send me these glowing texts of how much she loved me and how much I meant to her. It was all normal conversations. I would always get kisses and hugs from her when she was home. We would go for long drives together on her days off. We continued to do the same things we always used to do and it all seemed so normal except for those little odd out of place things.
By this time I had managed to break into both her Facebook and Google+ accounts. I already had access to her email account and checked that daily. Now I could see all the pics she was taking with her phone. I think she downloaded one pic during April. But she did take 28 pics of herself at work. They were all the same type of panty or bra pics except now in some of them the bra would be pulled up to expose her breasts. Now remember these pics were sent to me as well so I really could not question them that much. I still had no proof of anything being sent from her phone to anyone other than me. But I did see some really strange pics. They were pics showing the small of her back and it was bruised. It was a big ugly bruise. She had called me to tell me she hit her back on a table a work. I really thought nothing of this because she always came home bruised up from work but they were usually her legs or hips. I did find out that the bruise came from the 1st time they had intercourse in the bathroom at work. Up until that point it had been just her giving him oral sex. I asked her why she took those pics of the bruise and she said she didnít know. It was 9 pics taken over a 2 day time frame. The only thing I can figure is that it was a memory of some sort for her. She said the sex that day was painful and the bruise was painful but I just donít buy that. I do know the movies that play in my head are non-stop and pretty graphic. If anyone has any input on those pics I would love to hear it!
May was a game changer for me. I became 100% fool during this month. On May 6th her AP was fired. I thought this was the end of things. In fact I only brought up my gut feelings once during that month. She downloaded or took 43 pics of herself that month. She always sent some to me so again I couldnít question things too much. And again I still donít know what pics were sent to AP. I donít think all of them were. She did tell me that she always modified the pics that she sent him. She modified them is a way to try and make them perfect. She would blur out stretch marks, remove any moles or freckles, all the things she did not like about herself. I donít know if that has any significance or not but it struck me as telling in a way but I am unsure as to what. I know my wife has huge self-esteem issues. I have been telling her for almost 11 years how beautiful I think she is and just recently found out she never believed me. She could never see what I saw.
On May 16th my wife went to the birthday party of her APís wife. They were at a local bar and my wife, her AP. The APís wife, and the APís wifes mother ended up at the APís apartment. I was told later that my wife, her AP, and his wife were planning a 3some together (she even discussed it with her APís wife and never deleted those texts-why I donít know). I guess the fact that the mother also spent the night put a damper on those plans. My wife told me that she was drunk and when she went in the bathroom to be sick her AP came in and took advantage of her. I donít believe that story either but that is all that I got out of her.
When she first told me of the A it was one time only. It happened that night of the birthday party. As time went on it turned into 4 times at work and 4 times at her APís apartment. And just recently it was ďI gave him a lot of blowjobsĒ. The bits and pieces is what is killing me. It is the ultimate form of torture. Now in my mind they have been screwing around every chance they got and it is way more than 10,20, or 30 times. I donít know if I will ever get the truth about that or not.
I let her know that I thought her AP spent the night but I was told he didnít but he was at the party. Again I let it go because I had nothing other than my gut feeling to go on. As I said I thought things were getting better but in fact they were getting worse. My wife told me that many of the times she went into town she would stop at his apartment. This went on thru May and June and possibly July.
In the latter part of May my wife went on a trip with her AP, his wife, and the APís mother. There was also other friends there. My wife took one of our boys with her. I donít believe that anything happened during that trip but I wouldnít be surprised to learn otherwise. When my wife came home she went on and on about how her AP and his wife acted, how selfish they were. She said her APís attitude was it was all about him. I already knew this because he is a self centered SOB. Later my wife would tell me that this was the turning point for her. I kinda believe her because much of the activity I saw in earlier months was not present in June.
During July she downloaded or took 28 pics and only 2 were topless pics, the rest were pics of her dressed, head and shoulder pics. I think it was in July that I discovered Kik. That is what she had been using to text and send pics. That explained why I never found anything. I would pay almost anything for a transcript of all those texts. That would fill in so many blanks for me. Every time I would check her phone I never saw anything on Kik. I did manage to see a couple of texts she sent where she was asking why she had not heard from him in so long. I think by this time he had lost interest.
July and August are what I call her grieving period. The contact and the pics had pretty much ceased now. And I could see signs of her coming back. She was just different. The sense I had was she wanted to come back into our lives.
In September things were actually improving. I donít think I was as obsessed anymore. I was beginning to feel safe. But that changed in October.
We had sex October 1st. About 20 minutes after that I noticed her on her phone and she just acted strange. She was on Kik and then I saw a text message to her AP on the phone records. In that instant my world crashed downÖagain. I could not intercept any messages that she sent but I knew she was on it.
I did confront her about that and she told me that she texted him because she wanted to tell him that everything was over, that she did not need him anymore. That may be true but his response that I did intercept 2 days later said ďWell lets meet soonĒ. She could not explain why he would say that but my mind filled in all the blanks. After that point things started to come out in the open. When I got that text I knew that they had been meeting.
She finally really began to confess things to me October 8th. On the 15th she went and confessed to her APís wife and her best friend (the mother of the APís wife). She did that on her own. I did not ask for that but Iím glad she did it.
Since that time we talk about this almost every day. We are nowhere near where I would like to be in terms of opening up but we are slowly getting there.
How long does it take before one can make sense out of what happened? My wife is remorseful. She is tearing herself apart with guilt. but at the same time I keep thinking Iím missing something. Sheís willing to talk about anything except the affair. Iím told that sheís too embarrassed to talk about it and while that may be true it does not help me too much.
The latest revelation is that all of this was done to get even for me having an affair almost 5 years ago. I really donít know what to make of that. Isnít it a little late for a revenge affair?

hopefulmother posted 11/12/2013 20:58 PM

Honey "gently"...this is going to take a really long time for you.

You gave her free reign for far too long. You let her walk all over you like a doormat. I am so angry for you.

Nothing is going to get solved till she goes and puts in some serious time with an IC. I read in "Not Just Friends" that when married women have affairs they are basically emotionally out the door and given up on their marriage.

Yours does not seem that way. She has personal issues. Is extremely sexual (appetite) wise...I wouldn't be surprised if she has voyeurism addictions. She doesn't sound like she wants to leave you...but she definitely wants her cake.

I think she keeps all the pics...because she enjoys the high intensity of the sexual encounters. Something kinky and unusual. He probably feeds her all type of shit to feed her ego using sex. She is just his toy.

I don't think it is ever too late for a revenge affair. Your affair altered her self-image...scarred her. She probably didn't do it for revenge, but to compensate for the hole your affair caused. If she has always had self-esteem issues...your affair intensified it.

You need to go NC...that means no more outings...or Birthday parties. Complete transparency with phone records as well. You may not have proof of what is being said, but you will have proof if the number is called. Of course it would be a lot easier if you block the numbers too.

Dare2Trust posted 11/12/2013 23:40 PM


I don't believe you are even close to having the entire, truthful "story" from your WW about this ongoing affair.

Can I ask:
What type of job does your WW have - that she has so much time to be removing her clothes and taking so many nude, and semi-nude photos...and time to engage in sexual intercourse at her workplace throughout the day?

I would highly suggest that you keep your children AWAY from this AP and his family - this is not a proper setting for your kids!

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