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Feeling Trapped

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ichoosejoy posted 11/12/2013 20:16 PM

Wow, where to begin. I guess I'll just spill it all out. We were so in love. Everyone told me I had a love some people never experience in a lifetime. Well now I have a pain some people never experience in a lifetime. No one can believe it. No one.

Anyway, we moved away from home and apparently he hated it. He told me he was happy, it wasn't as bad being away from family as he thought, the weather wasn't too bad (Pacific Northwest) and I guess it was all a lie. I think he fell into depression and tried to hide it, which is still no excuse. I have found out SO many lies, it would take too long to list them. He admitted to being a pathological liar for as long as he can remember. So I just don't know what to believe. I don't know how long the A has truly been going on because I can't believe a word he says. It is crazy how the BS can be the one willing to work it out while the WS isn't. He isn't in love with her and I know that much is true. He is basically too weak to be alone so he found someone to fill his time. I don't know what he has told this OW and if she even knows we are still married. We are in the process of a Separation now, though he wants divorce. I'm not sure why, but I am hoping this crazy fog lifts from him. He is a zombie. It is crazy to see someone with NO emotion and I wish he would get help and just BE HONEST!! I'm sure people can relate to that bouncing back and forth of anger and longing. Everyday I feel different about it. Want him to come back. Never want to see him again. AAH! I am in this new place (been here almost a year now) and he is still here even though he hates it. I want him to just move away. We all 3 live in the same part of town. BS, WS, and OW. I am feeling trapped. I cannot move, as I just signed a new lease, before I knew about the A.

There isn't really a point to this, but to just get it out there. Seems like this is the place to do just that...

Jrazz posted 11/12/2013 23:16 PM

Welcome to SI, ichoosejoy.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Having to deal with the A on top of the relocation sounds incredibly confusing.

This is a great place to get your thoughts and feelings out. If the Separation really takes hold, the people in our S/D Forum are wise and compassionate and can help you protect yourself. Considering how deep your WS's depression sounds, I can't imagine that this fog is going to magically lift on its own.

Read through our Healing Library, and take care of yourself.

We're here for you in whatever you choose to do.


Daddo posted 11/13/2013 01:12 AM

I'm so sorry

The pain of betrayal is like no other. Only someone who has been through it can understand. You will find understanding here, understanding and kindness.

A few thoughts:

1. You are going through an immensely traumatic experience. You are enduring the emotional equivalent of post traumatic stress disorder. Your first priority must be to stop the bleeding - to get some help for yourself. It is way, way too early to make plans for the future, to know what you want - you need to focus on just getting through the day.

2. He is in a fog - and there is little you can do to change that. Read the "180 Rules" - they give great guidance on how to act and to hold yourself during this terrible time in your life.

3. It is natural to, at least some of the time, desperately want him back. Very few of us realize how much of our self-identity comes from our mate. Take that prop away, and it is like a part of you has been ripped out. Of course you want him back, but it is not that easy. You have to rebuild your identity, then and only then can you try to rebuild your relationship. There are no shortcuts, not for most of us.

4. Get some help. This forum is great - but if you can find a friend a family member someone who has been through this whom you can confide in, do so.

5. Be careful - you are at your most vulnerable and neediest right now.

6. You don't say if you have children - but if you do, focus on them, not on your WS. Be the best parent you can be - it will help.

Keep posting and reading. It will get better, I promise, just give yourself time to heal.

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