Today, if I was counting, would be our 31st. If I started counting the "together" time, it would be our 35th.
It's funny because I can't figure any of this out yet; the ambivalence surrounding the rings, the anniversary, the little milestones we used to have, it lingers still. Nor am I so very driven to figure it out.
I had decided going into the weekend to not be overwhelmed with the emotion that this day brings. But, what I had not counted on was H not bringing it up at all. He has either forgotten or is very thankful that I have not let this day ruin my life yet again. The kindness of strangers here who counselled me over the past two years to not expect too much from this day, attach too much to this day, hope too much, create too much expectation has served me well this year. The last two anniversaries are best left as soft memories where we felt each other out. Me so desperately trying not to fall apart, him trying, just trying to do right.
I am a still a fair bit from okay but today being loved and very lovable is enough. We did have a wonderful weekend together visiting out of town family. Perhaps this was his plan all along... To celebrate family instead. It is so very hard to *not* view life through the A-tainted lens that has colored almost everything this past 35 months......Don't know, not surfacing this one, just rolling with it for now.
I just wanted to acknowledge the day....funny isn't it.