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BeyondBreaking posted 11/12/2013 23:41 PM

H is sleeping upstairs in the bonus room after yet another fight. It's getting to be every other night now. Used to be a weekly thing, now it's just more and more.

I remember when I left DD's dad, I never did get used to having a whole bed to myself. I refused to do it, I just couldn't sleep. I lived at my parent's house, and had a futon in my room, instead of a bed. I never unfolded the futon- when the back was up, at least it was kind of like having someone next to me.

Then I met H. I haven't had to sleep alone in three years.
And he promised. He stood up in front of all our family and friends and he PROMISED. And now, just three months later, he doesn't care, says he is done trying, and screams at me and then runs away before I can say anything and is utterly emotionally absent. And physically absent.

I know I can do it. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will get up, take a shower, take DD to school, and go to work with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. Nobody will be the wiser, I won't need to cry on anyone's shoulders because I am a strong person, and I have done it before. I have thought someone was a forever person, only to have them not be before. But right now, it's only 9:40 at night and I'm alone and awake in a huge empty bed and it just seems so...endless.

How did all of you do it? How do you get used to sleeping alone AGAIN?

h0peless posted 11/12/2013 23:44 PM

I have a dog on either side of me. Stereo snoring. I really missed having the snoring in three channel surround sound but I got used to it after a few months. The dogs have never screwed me over either.

careerlady posted 11/13/2013 00:35 AM

(((BeyondBreaking))) I'm so sorry!

dmari posted 11/13/2013 01:21 AM

(((((hugs))))) I hope you are sleeping now. Your post reminded me of those first lonely nights. I think I got used to it pretty quickly and actually appreciated not being in the "junk spot", you know, the one side that is against the wall so when you use the bathroom you have to scoot down the bed or climb over the other person. When I thought about it, I always had the "junk spot" ~ he claimed he NEEDED that certain spot. When our air conditioner broke and the water dripped on my head, my two choices were to 1) have water dripping on my head or 2) flip over and be kicked in the face. I'm sorry that I'm rambling it's just that I forgot about those times.

Anyways, now I appreciate the extra space to put my books, school work, kindle. My cats sleep with me. The kids jump in whenever they need a snuggle or want to talk. I always get the best spot It feels endless now but that feeling is temporary. You WILL get through this. Hugs to you!

Phoenix1 posted 11/13/2013 01:37 AM

After almost 30 years of sleeping with a bed hog who snored horribly and kept me up many nights, I am thoroughly enjoying being alone! My DD often comes and plops in bed with me, which she never did before even if XPOS wasn't home. I get to watch TV in bed on whatever channel I want or read a book for as late as I want. It's fabulous!

Take2 posted 11/13/2013 05:55 AM

Body pillow! White noise machine.

It will get better, promise!

SusanR posted 11/13/2013 06:06 AM

"I have a dog on either side of me. Stereo snoring. I really missed having the snoring in three channel surround sound but I got used to it after a few months. The dogs have never screwed me over either."

Classic. Thanks!

BeyondBreaking posted 11/13/2013 07:58 AM

Thanks everyone.

Last night wasn't so bad. I was up for a while, then the cat joined me (guess H locked him out of the bonus room too). DD came downstairs and crawled in at 4am, and I didn't make her move.

...this is just so...hard.

WeepingBuddhist posted 11/13/2013 08:06 AM

(((BB))) I know I will miss the comfort of another person in the bed. It's hard when we we sleep apart now if one of us is traveling even though I know that it will be ending soon. What I've found helpful is I give thanks. Give thanks for the moment of peace and quiet and then just start listing all the things about which I am grateful including the people who I love. I don't know that I have ever gotten to the end of the list without dozing off.

Rainbows posted 11/13/2013 08:15 AM

I second the white noise idea.

There's an alarm clock phone app that tracks your sleep patterns and plays white, pink or brown noise until you fall asleep. It's helped so much with the adjustment from sleeping next to a snorer to silence.

nowiknow23 posted 11/13/2013 08:21 AM

((((BeyondBreaking)))) It is hard, honey. You will adjust over time.

sparkysable posted 11/13/2013 09:33 AM

I didn't sleep in my bed for like a year after D-day. I slept on the couch.

It took me a while, and some sleeping aides, to be able to sleep in that bed again.

Brave30 posted 11/13/2013 11:39 AM

For the first week or so, I slept on my parents couch. And, that was if I slept at all. (I moved back in with my parents so I had to purchase an entirely new bedroom set.) After that, the next few weeks were hard. I would wake up in the morning and reach for Stbx and everything would flood back. I had a knot in the pit of my stomach and I would feel sick. Finally, after about two months, I got sick of feeling that way and was also tired of feeling like I needed to stay to "my side" of the bed. So, I started sleeping in the middle and for some weird reason that helped more than anything. Its been 5 months and I don't reach for him anymore, haven't for a while. I still get a bit lonely and that's when I prop up a pillow next to me.

Ashland13 posted 11/13/2013 15:24 PM

If I want to...

There is good in this part of the change, BION (believe it or not)'s just not easy to find or found right away. I'm still looking.

I remember that X here had apnia, very bad, if it's possible to have in increments.

So when I'm at my worst being lonely at night, I remember how afraid I would be when he would stop breathing at night and then yell at me if I nudged him to roll over, like the doctor instructed.

I look for positive changes, like I can drink the entire coffee pot in the morning if I want to, I can sleep in the middle if I want to, I can wear my day clothes or nothing if I want to and so on, you get the idea.

My fav...I know whose the bed farts are, lol.

newlysingle posted 11/13/2013 16:58 PM

This is actually one thing that wasn't hard for me. The Gnat always traveled extensively throughout our marriage, so I was used to sleeping alone. He was also a terrible snorer and bed hog, so I didn't miss that either. The worst was when he had a cold. He refused to take anything for it, so he would be snotty, snoring, hacking and coughing all night. It was awful. He actually had a pretty bad cold the other day when he dropped the kids off. I actually thought to myself that I was glad Hello Kitty had to sleep with him tonight and not me. I'm afraid that I'll never want to share my bed again!

I'm sorry this us hard for you though. I spent so much if my marriage alone with the kids, that the transition into living alone and single parenting was pretty easy. I can imagine that it's very difficult when you're accustomed to having someone there all the time.

LadyQ posted 11/13/2013 17:01 PM

Lol at dmari!
My x deployed a lot, so sleeping alone wasn't a problem. Now I just use the other side of my bed for my school books at night. After I get done studying, i'm too lazy to get up and put them away!

debbysbaby posted 11/13/2013 17:21 PM

I do remember it's feeling a bit hard in the beginning but my ex was also a snorer and I sure don't miss that! I actually love having my bed to myself now and when I choose to I share it with the dogs. After eight years, I don't know that I ever want to put up with sharing a bedroom with someone again. There's something to be said for the days when husbands and wives have their own bedrooms.

gypsybird87 posted 11/13/2013 19:44 PM


It is definitely tough at first. I'm sorry your struggling right now. Like others have mentioned, I have pets in the bed with me. My little dog is beyond thrilled to have a whole side of the bed to himself. He lays his head on the pillow and snores the cutest puppy snores. Definitely an improvement over fat man snores and teeth grinding. Ugh, I don't miss that!

Pets, body pillow, sound machine... I have a terrific app on my phone called "relax melodies". You can fall asleep to waves, rain, crickets, whatever you find soothing. Also for the first few weeks, I took almost daily a generic OTC sleep aid, 25mg diphenhydramine HCL. The doctor told me this was fine, not habit forming etc. It helped me a lot.

Hang in there!!

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