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Long and rambly- had him read an article

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/13/2013 06:42 AM

So we have been doing really well. We are spending time together, sharing our feelings, getting on with life.
As most of you know, even when good things are going good, I still am a mess on the inside.
I have been struggling with my mood swings and sudden fits of tears. I feel awful because he goes out of his way to be there for me, and I still shut down or breakdown. He has learned to become afraid of the mornings- my most vulnerable time is just after we wake up. Sometimes we cuddle and become intimate, and sometimes we do that and I start crying right I the middle of it. It's happened a few times this past week an it's weird because everything else is going so well.
We talked about it last night and as we talked I became more upset. I find myself very angry at the OW right now- and I also shared that EVERYTIME I kiss him I see her face.
There was a little minor TT the other day. They had showered together and the first time he told me it was "functional" just to get clean- nothin happened. Then the other night, random and casual he says "we made out" in the shower. Like I already knew. I told him no- he hadn't told me that- he said he thought he had.
Weird- it's not groundbreaking and I sort of assumed anyway- but it was just ... Hard to hear and accept.
We always showered together- for fun and for function- it was part of us. Now I find myself avoiding it. I can't do it.
I am fearful that now he knows that the more he tells me, the less we will be able to share because it triggers me. I've already decreased the amount of oral sex he receives. It just slowly tapered off after HB- and now I find it really difficult to even think about. Because yes, she did.
I am not angry at him. There are just certain things I cannot do right now.
In our talk last night, I was trying to ask him to read an article "what every WS Need to know". I felt it was long but such an accurate description of what I am going through. During the lead up the conversation became emotional- not anger just me venting my sadness and frustration. I told him I am not okay. I am a mess- which shocked him because we had been doing so well. Get this.... Before I could ask him to read, he offers to move out. What?!?!? That was so not where it was going! I don't want him to leave, but he thought I wanted him to so that I could feel better again..
Anyway- I assured him that was not the case. I asked him to read an he did- immediately.
Initially I was disappointed because his reaction was focused on his actions and what the article was telling him to do. NO. That's not it- he is pretty much textbook wayward remorseful- doing all the right things without me asking. What has been missing is his understanding of my pain. It's been about him and what he can do to help me. I didn't want actions- I wanted understanding partially to defend myself from bein judged for my crazy mood swings- which is silly I know. But I wanted him to understand how I don't like being like this ad maybe by reading the article he could understand why I am this way. I just get so tired of talking and him just saying "sorry". It helps but it doesn't fix anything.
So I told him hat I wanted him to get from it. He re-read it. We didn't talk again- it was late. This morning he is sad, distant, unsure. He was kind but left for work with minimal discussion. He is working around the corner from me, so we will have lunch today. Part of me doesn't want to- I just don't know what a half an hour during our work day will accomplish.
I don know what he's thinking right now. I don't want him hurting- but I really needed him to see what is happening to me.
I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being. Not helping, not hurting, just letting him deal with it.
EVerytime I think I'm okay- seriously, can it just be okay again?
Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to process a little.

karmahappens posted 11/13/2013 06:51 AM

Oh I remember feeling like a crazy mess. I do, it is such mind fuckery, isn't it?

Can I just say that this jumps at me

I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being

Right now, just be. It's ok. It's alright to ride the feelings. Sway back and forth with the wind. It is where you are. Starting to live authentically means accepting the position in which you are right now. The moment is what it is. Feel it together. Let him hurt, don't save him from your pain. It is way too early for you to be putting on a front. The more the two of you share your pain the easier it is to allow each other into your inner world. The secrets and shame in how we feel go away. Does that make sense?

Right now you have triggers that affect your intimacy, which is completely normal. Tell him this. It won't always be this way. Share it and let him help you invent new ways to be together. Take back things you love, don't hide from them. They will become yours again.

Just go slow, and walk together. You will be ok.


WhatsRight posted 11/13/2013 06:56 AM

I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being.

I can certainly understand this feeling. But the scary word from what you said (above) is "pretend".

Is it possible that because you have the desire to "make him feel okay again" that you are not actually getting the healing done?

If this is true, every time you get back to "pretending" everything is okay, you will be less and less fulfilled - because you know you might not be actually working through it.

I know that you want to feel "all better" and you want him to feel "all better" RIGHT NOW. But try to give yourself a break - this is tough stuff. It will take time and work.

But you might think about setting aside a time each day - or each week, that you will be ok at that time - that you can go back to the hard stuff later. Give yourself some time somewhere in your day to ALLOW yourself to be happy - or as close to it as you can get.

BIG HUGS to you!

WhatsRight posted 11/13/2013 06:58 AM

Also - what karmahappens said.

She said it so much better than I did.

KatieG posted 11/13/2013 07:00 AM

I totally get what you're saying. You want to be open and honest and you have both committed to that in R. But you feel he is not understanding your feelings, he just says sorry again.

I think I read the same article and it was very good. But I think it does pile on the guilt so his reaction may just be him feeling really bad about what he has done. I think you already worked that out (!)

So if you talk to him about it, it could bring it back to the open communication and say something like "I wanted you to read the article because as much as I am trying to see things from your perspective, I want to know you also understand what I am going through", make it clear that you don't want to punish him, hurt him or make him feel bad. It was an attempt to move forward and get some empathy going.

In the same way, he may then be able to communicate to you how he felt about it. I too feared that if I talk about my pain too much and my triggers, my WBF would close up again to try and stop the hurt. I think its a tricky line to cross.

We had an incident the other day that went wrong, he has told me to ask him anything, anytime and something popped into my head. I asked him and he clearly felt really bad. We were in bed and he turned away from me making me feel terrible, unloved and that he had closed off. Plus of course all the negative feelings come back. So it was really unproductive.

The next day (after a sleepless night for me) I said that because he had opened the door for me to say anything he was exposing himself to pain. Because we want to stay close and be honest with each other. I said that in fact the thing I had asked him was quite trivial and I could have worked it out myself. So even though the door is open, I need to choose when to walk through it.

I.e. I will consider the consequences (of moving backwards not forwards) before talking about something. Hopefully, now I am more mindful and because he knows I want progress not to punish him we keep the communication open.

One more thing though, if you are still getting TT maybe there is some defensiveness there still.

neverdidithink posted 11/13/2013 11:49 AM

Twinnie, I shared the link to that article as well as one on TT on Dday2. Like you, I was worried that the brutal honesty of it would hurt him, but I also knew that if he didn't understand how I felt he wouldn't know what I needed to heal.

WH has quoted from it more than a few times, so I know he read it repeatedly and it did really seem to help him understand the enormity of the betrayal and provided a bit of a roadmap to the path back. I think he was grateful for the guidance.

We're on the same page, but that doesn't erase the past. The hurt and mistrust are still present. Triggers are still popping up, some at very unexpected times/places. I credit that post with WH truly being able to understand that this healing process isn't linear and that my swings are completely normal.

Sharing it felt like a big risk, especially because WH had gone to the "I can't do anything right" place a few times but I REALLY needed to have him understand what I was feeling and I was struggling to find the words. It made a big difference for us, I wish the same outcome for you after your H spends some time with it.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:50 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/13/2013 16:05 PM

Twinnie! It's good to hear your voice again! An I'm glad you are working towards feelin better.
Thank you so much everyone for your words and advice. And Katie- I'm right there with you and the sleepless nights.

Today was/is tough. We met at lunch and he was very down. Neither of us knew what to say. We said the same old same old- "I love you. We will get through this. It's going to be hard, lets keep the goal in mind...blah blah blah" I don't mean to minimalize it- but it's getting tiring.
We both just want to stop talking about it. How in the hell do we do that? We did decide to "just be" tonight. He said he is tired and will talk if that what I need. But I could see it in his face- he feels defeated, helpless and just exhausted. I felt the same though. I'm just so tired of it all.
I want it to go away- but I know it won't. I am going to try tonight. I am going to try to recapture the good feelings of the past few weeks.
I told him I don't want to see him hurt- his response was "but you know that you need to."
I told him I don't want to punish him- but that what it feels like I'm doing.
Yes- I do want him to hurt - over what he's done and to recognize how much I am hurting. But it hurts Nero see him that way- so I feel bad ...and then I get angry because I DIDN'T DO THIS TO US!!
I have moved iti a new stage- I can feel it. I'm just not sure what it is just yet.
Time will tell I suppose.
Thank you to everyone- I truly take your words to heart and they have helped me so much.
((((Everyone!))))) except my WH. No hug for him.

AML04 posted 11/13/2013 18:18 PM

I have zero advice as I understand completely. I am in a very similar place.


Newme123 posted 11/13/2013 23:24 PM

Wondertwin, you took the words right out of my mouth! I could have written this post almost word for word. I too am struggling with my emotions. When I start to shut down, he reaches for me and I tell him no, I don't want his touch or hug. Then he feels rejected and becomes distant and angry with me. It's just a big wheel we are on and can't seem to get off of. We are currently separated because we can't seem to get out of this cycle..
I also sent my wh that article because I still don't think he completely gets what his actions have done to me. I felt that article would help him better understand what I was going through. All he got out of it was that he was a life of shit and that I didn't think he was doing things right. It ended in a big argument. Anyways. You and KatieG have hit the nail on the head for me. It's like you have been there for our conversations! Keep hanging in there. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I understand.

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