I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
Can I just say that this jumps at me
I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being
Right now, just be. It's ok. It's alright to ride the feelings. Sway back and forth with the wind. It is where you are. Starting to live authentically means accepting the position in which you are right now. The moment is what it is. Feel it together. Let him hurt, don't save him from your pain. It is way too early for you to be putting on a front. The more the two of you share your pain the easier it is to allow each other into your inner world. The secrets and shame in how we feel go away. Does that make sense?
Right now you have triggers that affect your intimacy, which is completely normal. Tell him this. It won't always be this way. Share it and let him help you invent new ways to be together. Take back things you love, don't hide from them. They will become yours again.
Just go slow, and walk together. You will be ok.
I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being.
I can certainly understand this feeling. But the scary word from what you said (above) is "pretend".
Is it possible that because you have the desire to "make him feel okay again" that you are not actually getting the healing done?
If this is true, every time you get back to "pretending" everything is okay, you will be less and less fulfilled - because you know you might not be actually working through it.
I know that you want to feel "all better" and you want him to feel "all better" RIGHT NOW. But try to give yourself a break - this is tough stuff. It will take time and work.
But you might think about setting aside a time each day - or each week, that you will be ok at that time - that you can go back to the hard stuff later. Give yourself some time somewhere in your day to ALLOW yourself to be happy - or as close to it as you can get.
BIG HUGS to you!
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
She said it so much better than I did.
I think I read the same article and it was very good. But I think it does pile on the guilt so his reaction may just be him feeling really bad about what he has done. I think you already worked that out (!)
So if you talk to him about it, it could bring it back to the open communication and say something like "I wanted you to read the article because as much as I am trying to see things from your perspective, I want to know you also understand what I am going through", make it clear that you don't want to punish him, hurt him or make him feel bad. It was an attempt to move forward and get some empathy going.
In the same way, he may then be able to communicate to you how he felt about it. I too feared that if I talk about my pain too much and my triggers, my WBF would close up again to try and stop the hurt. I think its a tricky line to cross.
We had an incident the other day that went wrong, he has told me to ask him anything, anytime and something popped into my head. I asked him and he clearly felt really bad. We were in bed and he turned away from me making me feel terrible, unloved and that he had closed off. Plus of course all the negative feelings come back. So it was really unproductive.
The next day (after a sleepless night for me) I said that because he had opened the door for me to say anything he was exposing himself to pain. Because we want to stay close and be honest with each other. I said that in fact the thing I had asked him was quite trivial and I could have worked it out myself. So even though the door is open, I need to choose when to walk through it.
I.e. I will consider the consequences (of moving backwards not forwards) before talking about something. Hopefully, now I am more mindful and because he knows I want progress not to punish him we keep the communication open.
One more thing though, if you are still getting TT maybe there is some defensiveness there still.
"Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive" - CS Lewis
WH has quoted from it more than a few times, so I know he read it repeatedly and it did really seem to help him understand the enormity of the betrayal and provided a bit of a roadmap to the path back. I think he was grateful for the guidance.
We're on the same page, but that doesn't erase the past. The hurt and mistrust are still present. Triggers are still popping up, some at very unexpected times/places. I credit that post with WH truly being able to understand that this healing process isn't linear and that my swings are completely normal.
Sharing it felt like a big risk, especially because WH had gone to the "I can't do anything right" place a few times but I REALLY needed to have him understand what I was feeling and I was struggling to find the words. It made a big difference for us, I wish the same outcome for you after your H spends some time with it.
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:50 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Today was/is tough. We met at lunch and he was very down. Neither of us knew what to say. We said the same old same old- "I love you. We will get through this. It's going to be hard, lets keep the goal in mind...blah blah blah" I don't mean to minimalize it- but it's getting tiring.
We both just want to stop talking about it. How in the hell do we do that? We did decide to "just be" tonight. He said he is tired and will talk if that what I need. But I could see it in his face- he feels defeated, helpless and just exhausted. I felt the same though. I'm just so tired of it all.
I want it to go away- but I know it won't. I am going to try tonight. I am going to try to recapture the good feelings of the past few weeks.
I told him I don't want to see him hurt- his response was "but you know that you need to."
I told him I don't want to punish him- but that what it feels like I'm doing.
Yes- I do want him to hurt - over what he's done and to recognize how much I am hurting. But it hurts Nero see him that way- so I feel bad ...and then I get angry because I DIDN'T DO THIS TO US!!
I have moved iti a new stage- I can feel it. I'm just not sure what it is just yet.
Time will tell I suppose.
Thank you to everyone- I truly take your words to heart and they have helped me so much.
((((Everyone!))))) except my WH. No hug for him.