So we have been doing really well. We are spending time together, sharing our feelings, getting on with life.
As most of you know, even when good things are going good, I still am a mess on the inside.
I have been struggling with my mood swings and sudden fits of tears. I feel awful because he goes out of his way to be there for me, and I still shut down or breakdown. He has learned to become afraid of the mornings- my most vulnerable time is just after we wake up. Sometimes we cuddle and become intimate, and sometimes we do that and I start crying right I the middle of it. It's happened a few times this past week an it's weird because everything else is going so well.
We talked about it last night and as we talked I became more upset. I find myself very angry at the OW right now- and I also shared that EVERYTIME I kiss him I see her face.
There was a little minor TT the other day. They had showered together and the first time he told me it was "functional" just to get clean- nothin happened. Then the other night, random and casual he says "we made out" in the shower. Like I already knew. I told him no- he hadn't told me that- he said he thought he had.
Weird- it's not groundbreaking and I sort of assumed anyway- but it was just ... Hard to hear and accept.
We always showered together- for fun and for function- it was part of us. Now I find myself avoiding it. I can't do it.
I am fearful that now he knows that the more he tells me, the less we will be able to share because it triggers me. I've already decreased the amount of oral sex he receives. It just slowly tapered off after HB- and now I find it really difficult to even think about. Because yes, she did.
I am not angry at him. There are just certain things I cannot do right now.
In our talk last night, I was trying to ask him to read an article "what every WS Need to know". I felt it was long but such an accurate description of what I am going through. During the lead up the conversation became emotional- not anger just me venting my sadness and frustration. I told him I am not okay. I am a mess- which shocked him because we had been doing so well. Get this.... Before I could ask him to read, he offers to move out. What?!?!? That was so not where it was going! I don't want him to leave, but he thought I wanted him to so that I could feel better again..
Anyway- I assured him that was not the case. I asked him to read an he did- immediately.
Initially I was disappointed because his reaction was focused on his actions and what the article was telling him to do. NO. That's not it- he is pretty much textbook wayward remorseful- doing all the right things without me asking. What has been missing is his understanding of my pain. It's been about him and what he can do to help me. I didn't want actions- I wanted understanding partially to defend myself from bein judged for my crazy mood swings- which is silly I know. But I wanted him to understand how I don't like being like this ad maybe by reading the article he could understand why I am this way. I just get so tired of talking and him just saying "sorry". It helps but it doesn't fix anything.
So I told him hat I wanted him to get from it. He re-read it. We didn't talk again- it was late. This morning he is sad, distant, unsure. He was kind but left for work with minimal discussion. He is working around the corner from me, so we will have lunch today. Part of me doesn't want to- I just don't know what a half an hour during our work day will accomplish.
I don know what he's thinking right now. I don't want him hurting- but I really needed him to see what is happening to me.
I am torn between tryin to soothe him and make him feel okay again so we can go back to pretending everything is okay.... And just being. Not helping, not hurting, just letting him deal with it.
EVerytime I think I'm okay- seriously, can it just be okay again?
Thanks for listening. I think I just needed to process a little.