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trying to approach dday anniversary differently

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Alyssamd24 posted 11/13/2013 07:34 AM

Last night after working all day, making dinner, putting our DD to bed, and making her lunch I sat down and hemmed my BH uniform pants. As I was sewing I thought about how I really felt like a "wife". And I absolutely loved it! !

This is my A season....last year at this time I was still heavily involved in my A. As the dday anniversary gets closer I know that things will get tough for me and my BH...especially during the holidays. I am preparing myself for the support my BH is going to need for me and am hoping I will be able to help him through it.

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...but I keep looking back and comparing this year to last, and am realizing how much better things are now....my life was such a mess when I was in the A and now its still complicated, but at least I am working on it.

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....without the lying, and hiding things. Without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.

Trying33 posted 11/13/2013 07:44 AM

I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.

I was thinking the EXACT same thing only this morning.

Aubrie posted 11/13/2013 08:45 AM

I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...but I keep looking back and comparing this year to last, and am realizing how much better things are now....my life was such a mess when I was in the A and now its still complicated, but at least I am working on it.
I was talking to a friend about this yesterday. Our marriage is a complete 180 from what it used to be. My last affair was that "come to Jesus" that turned the ship around. What I am today is great. What I have now is great. But it came at a very high cost. I have such a hard time accepting that. Everyone's all, "Yeah but look what you have now!" All I can think is, yeah but look at that cost!

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again
I'm glad you're at this place again. I can't really say the same thing. I'm not "myself" again. I'm something completely different. I've had to rewire everything about myself. For me, it was a lifetime of screwed up. There was never a healthy me that one day came off the rails. I started off the rails. It's been an interesting, exhausting process.

Alyssa, I'm really glad you're in a better place. But please listen to me. Year two can kick your butt. I remember someone telling me the same thing and I said, "Pshhhhh, yeah right!" Ohhhh no. It really kicked our butts. Hold onto your good moments. Hold onto your calm times. They will tide you over when the storms rise again. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 8:45 AM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Neznayou posted 11/13/2013 09:11 AM

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with...

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....without the lying, and hiding things. Without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.

One of the advantages of this community is that we can realize that we aren't alone. I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this, too. I wish that this is something we never had to deal with, too. It is nice to now be in a place without the lying and hiding things, without the worry about what if my husband finds out. I feel more confident and relaxed in my relationship than I probably ever have. However, Aubrie is right, just because you get past the first antiversary doesn't mean you're out of the woods. There are still hard times to come and you'll need the good times to hold onto.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/13/2013 10:48 AM

Aubrie,
You bring up a good point, thank you.

I know I have a long way to go before I heal myself and there is a lot of work I have to do....I know I am not out of the woods yet. There is still a lot of work I need to do to figure myself out.

I am just grateful for the changes that have already happened. I am still very angry and disgusted with myself, but am just happy I am more honest than I was last year at this time.

Aubrie posted 11/13/2013 12:28 PM

I am just grateful for the changes that have already happened. I am still very angry and disgusted with myself, but am just happy I am more honest than I was last year at this time.
I understand. I felt the same way. At a year out, I was a sooooo different from the affair-era me.

Keep up the good work.

heforgotme posted 11/13/2013 14:52 PM

I guess my point is its so nice to be myself again.....

Wh has said the exact same thing.

With our antiversary less than 36 hours away, I am hoping I can remember this.

KBeguile posted 11/13/2013 18:56 PM

Working on keeping my BS sane through this time as well. It's our first Anti, and she's doing amazingly well. So proud of her, even though I wish I hadn't brought her to this.

cinnamongurl posted 11/13/2013 22:39 PM

I can leave my phone out now without worrying he will find something.
I was just thinking of this yesterday. We're about 14 months out from my last dday. So awful how something as seemingly benign as leaving a phone out became such a stressor! Feels pretty good to let go of all of the lies and live authentically!

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/14/2013 05:59 AM

As I was sewing I thought about how I really felt like a "wife". And I absolutely loved it! !

Did you happen to share this feeling with him? I can tell you from experience that sharing these thoughts, these moments with your BH can go a long way. Let him know what you are thinking. To this day (almost 3 1/2 years later) my BH will still wonder if cuddling on the couch after a day's work and watching TV is exciting enough for me. Given my actions in the past, I can understand fully why he would wonder. But honestly, there is no place I would rather be! It's the part of the day I look forward to. But he still checks in every now and then for reassurance. So when moments hit me, I try to share them with him. I want him to know how fortunate I feel to be where we are today. Share your moments with your BH. I'm sure he would appreciate hearing them.

As far as feeling like your old self goes, I have to agree with Aubrie. I was always dysfunctional. I feel I am someone very different today. A new and much improved version of myself. Keep working on yourself. It really is a journey with no final destination. Year two is when the dust settles and the disaster of it all really sinks in. A lot of processing occurs. Not just for him but you as well.

Good luck!

Lucky2HaveMe posted 11/14/2013 06:11 AM

Did you happen to share this feeling with him? I can tell you from experience that sharing these thoughts, these moments with your BH can go a long way

Ditto! As a BW I longed for the days that my FWH would bring up these kinds of things. He rarely did as he thought it would trigger me/bring me down, but in fact it does the opposite. It really is a bonding moment.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/14/2013 06:56 AM

I haven't shared all these thoughts with him yet but certaintly will. I did make a joke about feeling like a "real wife" and told him I really did enjoy it....but I will be sure to tell him.

I know that there was (is) something wrong with me and still have to get to the bottom of it. I am not seeing my C anymore and can't find a new one right now, but once I am able to again I want to start C again.....

Taurus517 posted 11/16/2013 00:48 AM

Right on

I wish I had never had an A and put my M through this...I wish that this is something we never had to deal with

I think we all do.

Aubrie

I understand. I felt the same way. At a year out, I was a sooooo different from the affair-era me.

I can agree, I see it in myself if noone else does there is a difference before affair, during affair, and now.

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