My first ever post....
I have been reading SI for months, but finally worked up the courage to post. I have read many threads about the importance of telling the OBS, but my question is - is it essential in ALL cases?
My WH had a 5 month EA/PA(kissing) with a MCOW that lasted from October 2012 - February 2013. I didn't find out about the kiss until May, but even then I wouldn't have told the OBS because my H was her direct supervisor during the EA (she was moved in mid-Feb. to a completely different building and was put under a different manager due to other employees complaints of favoritism). At the time I felt like I had suffered enough, and couldn't handle the stress of my H losing his job as well, so I didn’t tell OBS because I thought he would try to get my husband fired.
In August 2013 my WH got a new job. The OW has not attempted contact in any way since then. So now that telling no longer has the potential to threaten our livelihood, do I have a duty to tell OBS? There is a part of me that says I should, but then a larger part of me thinks that these people are out of our lives for good (which gives me peace of mind), so why can’t I just leave it that way?
Some additional factors:
1. My WH, even while still in the fog, admitted that one of the OW’s worst traits was that she thrived off drama; she created it, relished it, and seemed to want drama in her life. In some sick and twisted way, I think she will get pleasure if I tell OBS. But, I am the complete opposite and thinking about doing something that will make me miserable and her happy just seems completely unfair.
2. OBS was married during his relationship with OW (up until just before he married her in March 2013). He and his W were completely separated according to what the OW told my H, but in looking online I think that it’s likely that he went back and forth between the two women, at least in the beginning of the relationship. I understand that it’s not my place to judge his actions, and that those actions don’t make him any less deserving of the truth. But would someone who is still married to another W and having a relationship with the OW really care that much if she kissed my H?
3. I told my H this week that I was thinking of telling OBS about the EA/PA. He was supportive and he said that maybe it would bring me some closure.
But the more I start thinking about actually telling the OBS, the more I feel like it’s not the best decision for me. She has already caused so much pain and drama in my life, and now that she is completely gone, why would I give her a reason to come back and start causing problems again?