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TennisTC posted 11/13/2013 10:55 AM

My first ever post....

I have been reading SI for months, but finally worked up the courage to post. I have read many threads about the importance of telling the OBS, but my question is - is it essential in ALL cases?

My WH had a 5 month EA/PA(kissing) with a MCOW that lasted from October 2012 - February 2013. I didn't find out about the kiss until May, but even then I wouldn't have told the OBS because my H was her direct supervisor during the EA (she was moved in mid-Feb. to a completely different building and was put under a different manager due to other employees complaints of favoritism). At the time I felt like I had suffered enough, and couldn't handle the stress of my H losing his job as well, so I didn’t tell OBS because I thought he would try to get my husband fired.

In August 2013 my WH got a new job. The OW has not attempted contact in any way since then. So now that telling no longer has the potential to threaten our livelihood, do I have a duty to tell OBS? There is a part of me that says I should, but then a larger part of me thinks that these people are out of our lives for good (which gives me peace of mind), so why can’t I just leave it that way?

Some additional factors:
1. My WH, even while still in the fog, admitted that one of the OW’s worst traits was that she thrived off drama; she created it, relished it, and seemed to want drama in her life. In some sick and twisted way, I think she will get pleasure if I tell OBS. But, I am the complete opposite and thinking about doing something that will make me miserable and her happy just seems completely unfair.
2. OBS was married during his relationship with OW (up until just before he married her in March 2013). He and his W were completely separated according to what the OW told my H, but in looking online I think that it’s likely that he went back and forth between the two women, at least in the beginning of the relationship. I understand that it’s not my place to judge his actions, and that those actions don’t make him any less deserving of the truth. But would someone who is still married to another W and having a relationship with the OW really care that much if she kissed my H?
3. I told my H this week that I was thinking of telling OBS about the EA/PA. He was supportive and he said that maybe it would bring me some closure.

But the more I start thinking about actually telling the OBS, the more I feel like it’s not the best decision for me. She has already caused so much pain and drama in my life, and now that she is completely gone, why would I give her a reason to come back and start causing problems again?

2married2quit posted 11/13/2013 11:21 AM

It's a tough call. I was in the same boat as you. It started with PA (making out, touching..etc but no sex) and then continued on to an EA (obsessive). My FWW left the company and they called it off, but they broke NC over and over again so my only cure was to tell OBS. It was the only way and boy did it stop it. The fog was lifted in 1.5 seconds.

OBS thanked me and said I should have told her sooner. I didn't because I did not know what kind of woman she was and would she cause my FWW harm? I waited till they didn't work at the same place.

Anyway, you have to do what you think is right in your case. Most here will tell you to DO IT! If your FWH or OW breaks the NC, you should do it big time! So monitor!

Are you sure there wasn't sex?

TennisTC posted 11/13/2013 11:43 AM

2Married...
Thanks for your reply! I was so scared posting for the first time and it really helps to know someone is listening. :)

The fog is definitely lifted. Before he left his old work, she did try to contact him a couple of times (see profile for long drawn out details), but he ignored her when possible (over email) and when she cornered him at work he very angrily told her that he already said he wanted nothing to do with her, and to leave him alone. He disclosed all fishing attempts, sightings (even if he just saw her and walked in the other direction), etc. since May.

She has not contacted him since he left in August and I completely believe that he can't stand her and wants nothing to do with OW ever again. He takes responsibility for all he has done, but I think WH finally sees her for who she really is and not who he wanted her to be.

I do agree with you, and appreciate your advice...if NC is broken at all I will definitely tell OBS right away (by OW or WH, but at this point I think she has moved on because WH is no longer in a position to benefit her - and looking back my H admits that she clearly used him for what he could do for her at work, and really had little interest in being with him IRL).

As far as sex....I'm pretty sure, but at this point after all he lied about I can't truly know. I have asked my husband if he would be willing to take a polygraph and he agreed. He researched the providers in our area and gave me their names and numbers to choose one for him to go to. I honestly don't even know if I care - to me I have said from the very beginning that the EA, and seeing an email he sent to her while we were on a 10 day trip to the Caribbean hurt far more than finding out about the kiss. Even if they had sex, the emotional investment in her while neglecting me would be what still hurts the most. But, I did make him go get tested for STDs this summer and he showed me the results, all of which were clean.

Knowing posted 11/13/2013 12:54 PM

I think it's never too late to tell. I finally figured out who MCOW's BS was around 9 months post DDay and promptly sent him a detailed email about the A. I don't regret it. My fWH was a little worried about possible repercussions but it's been almost 6 months and nothing has happened.

I see it this way, as a BS I knew something was "off" with my fWH during the A. MCOW was well versed in covert communication so I never found any of their emails, secret accounts, etc... Meanwhile, I suspected fWH was involved with someone; I could feel it, sense it, I could almost smell someone else on him when he came home but without proof, I very, nearly completely lost my mind. I had a mini-breakdown in the middle of the A and left my job at the time. I burnt out, fWH had completely checked out of the M and left me to do everything at home while he was out gallivanting with MCOW.

Then DDay happened and it all made sense and I knew I wasn't crazy. I always wondered if maybe the OBS needed a little confirmation of their suspicions from the outside, maybe their WS hasn't been honest at all, maybe they don't know about the A and think they've lost their mind? Maybe they don't have all the facts, the big picture? Maybe the BS can fill in some of the blanks?

You are under no obligation at all, but I have a lot of compassion for what BSs go through and I thought it was the right thing to do.

musiclovingmom posted 11/13/2013 13:32 PM

Only OW1 had an SO. They were supposedly separated while she and my H had their EA/PA. I didn't find out about their A until it had been over for more than a year. OW1 and her SO recently got engaged. It's been more than 2 years since the A ended and almost that long since we've even seen her. I chose not to say anything. She is extremely drawn to the dramatic and protecting my family from her crazy was more important to me. There was no way I was going to invite her drama back into our lives.

Aubrie posted 11/13/2013 13:42 PM

It's strictly your choice if you want to tell the OBS. I know most people here are advocates for telling.

My husband is one person who didn't tell. As it stands, when I ended the A, I disappeared into oblivion. It's as if I never existed. Which is what my husband would prefer the AP think.

Telling the OBS about the A would create a massive storm that my husband was not willing to deal with. There are days I wish the AP's wife could know what she's married to. But I stand beside my husband and he reasons for not informing her. He's had enough pain and drama. I don't want to inflict any further pain on him.

TennisTC posted 11/13/2013 15:14 PM

Thank you all so much for your insight. It's very helpful to hear perspectives.

Right now I'm heavily leaning towards not telling (unless like 2Married suggested above and NC is broken out of the blue) because the OW in my situation thrives on drama and I really think she would enjoy it. There is a small part of me that feels guilty - like I'm not doing "the right thing" just because it's what's easiest for me. But after almost a year of having my life thrown into chaos as a result of other people's choices, it's hard to willingly make a choice that would most likely bring more drama (and possibly even the OW) into our lives.

JustWow posted 11/13/2013 15:35 PM

The trouble with the whole situation, is that you have to rely on your H for the truth of the whole situation - up to and including current NC. Quite frankly, WS are not the most reliable sources of truthful informaton.

OW's BH called me 11 months after my H had a supposed ONS. That phone call revealed to me an ongoing A, NOT an ONS. He revealed info to me that proved they were in contact every day, right up to the morning of his call to me.

Tell him.

sailorgirl posted 11/13/2013 16:03 PM

Welcome, Tennis!

Let me be sure I have this straight: The OBS cheated on his former wife with OW, ate cake and then divorced and married OW. If that's the case, then he already knows that his wife is an OW who has no respect for marriage vows. Heck, OBS has no respect for marriage vows.

Unless the two of them have had a boatload of IC and soul- searching since they snuck around during OBS's first marriage, they are both unremorseful waywards. I would stay completely NC with both of them and work on extending it to mental NC also.

Turn towards your H and keep working with him. Is he in IC?

TennisTC posted 11/13/2013 19:42 PM

Hi SailorGirl!

You pretty much summed up the entire situation. I couldn't make this stuff up it's so crazy.

My husband is in IC and he is proving that he is willing to do whatever it takes to R. He is an open book as far as passwords, accounts, cellphone, email, offering to take a polygraph, etc. Based on my gut instinct (which I am learning is reasonably accurate when I actually listen to it), along with the info that I have (cell records online, etc.) I believe that my husband is definitely NC and would even be mentally NC if I didn't bring up the OW in our conversations. That's a great point....I need to work on having my own mental NC for my own healing.