This past Saturday while I was paying bills I was curious what the balance on one of our credit cards was, so I signed online and to pull up the statement. I noticed a charge to a spa, which I thought was odd. I figured somebody had stolen our credit card numbers. We have two credit cards from the same company so when you are looking at the accounts online you can click between the two accounts. I clicked over to the other card and found charges to massage parlors dating back to when we opened the card in 2011. I never look at the statement of either of these cards, because I was under the assumption that we didnít use either of them for day to day purchases. In fact, I thought that the older card had a zero balance. I was very confused and while I knew that there was something going on, I still clung to the hope that somebody had somehow gotten a hold of BOTH of the card numbers somehow. I googled the Ďspasí and as you can guess found that they while they were massage parlors they were massage parlors with prostitutes.
Iím sure it sounds so cliche, but H is the last person that anybody would suspect this of. Our marriage is great, we truly are best friends. There was absolutely zero signs.
My husband came home a couple hours later and I asked him to sit down. I explained what I had found and he went pale. He said he understood if I wanted a divorce. I asked him to explain. He said that years before we started dating he lived pretty far away from all of his friends, family, and he started going to these places. He has always had performance issues with sex, and this gave him a place where when that happened he wasnít embarrassed because it was anonymous and the person didnít know him. He said that when we first started dating, 10 years ago, he stopped for a couple of years. Our sex life was great in the beginning, but once he started having an issues again he started going again.
He said that he wants to stop, that he has tried to not go but it has never worked. He was always so ashamed of was afraid to tell anybody what was going on. I am not making excuses for him. What he has done is a horrible thing. However, he was sexually abused as a child by his father, although he refuses to admit what happened was abuse. He kept apologizing and said he would do anything to not lose me, but understands if he does. I know most people are going to say that when they are caught.
He called two sex addiction/abuse specific treatment facilities that evening, and made an appointment. He went on Monday and had an STD screening. Also, as per the instruction of the doctor he has an appointment with on Monday, he went to a sex addicts anonymous meeting on Monday and is going to another tonight.
As for me, Iím not sure how I feel. I know most would think Iím an idiot to even consider staying. I have contacted a therapist for me, who specializes in Sex Addiction. She has no openings in the next couple of weeks but doesnít want me to wait. She is going to call me if she has a cancellation and see what her colleagueís schedules look like. I told him that I canít make promises, I canít make ultimatums, because I donít know how I feel. For now, Iím sorting things out and he understands that I could decide that Iím done at any moment.
Iím hurt, Iím scared, and Iím having to pretend In all the other areas of my life like nothing is wrong. Iím walking around numb.
That turned out to be really long, Iím sorry! Thank you for reading though.
I'm new to posting but wanted to say hello and tell you how very brave you are and that you are doing a great job of setting boundaries. Strike while the iron's hot. Getting him into therapy is key and that is already done.
He is taken care of now take care of yourself. Your feelings are going to be all over the place for a while and that's just fine. Tell who you need. You are not alone.
You need to get tested for std's as well, don't wait for his to come back, no matter what he says as in he used a condom. My wh gave me herpes. That's how I found out he cheated.
I am different from some here because I don't really believe in sex addiction. And fortunately for me my wh didn't say that he was a sex addict.
He had been in ic for awhile when he cheated with the prostitute, but he still did it. Before that he says it was all online, a fantasy life of sorts. Whatever, right? I really don't believe he never physically cheated before that, but I have no proof and he sticks to his story.
You are not the only one whose wh cheated with prostitutes. There are others besides me, who hopefully will be along to post to you.
I will tell you that this seems to be a situation where they need serious ic, probably even more than mc. HUgs.
Honestly, I wish I left 3 years ago when I found out, instead here I am 3 years later trying to make the decision of staying or leaving.
I think its good you are going to therapy and giving yourself some time and not making any rash decisions.
My heart always drops when I see a new member join our club. I'm so sorry. I am amazed at how fast you got to the place where I have struggled to get to for months. Go to the I Can Relate forum. There is a thread for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts. There are several pages written by one of the members laying out the facts and the game plan. Our waywards have so much baggage it's hard to know where to start but, you are on the right path.
If you don't believe anything else right now, just know that you will be alright one way or the other. You don't have to decide what you want today or tomorrow or even next week. Get all the information you can and take each day as it comes. It's a very long road.
I know the shock, I know the confusion, I know the anger, the disgust. I can't lie - it's going to be very hard to process and get through, but it does sound like there is action going on in a positive direction there and I commend you and your WH for taking that action so quickly.
LonelySilhouette, I completely agree with you. I've never been in the other situation, so I can't say with any sort of certainty, but if he were in love with another person I'm not sure I would be able to handle it.
However, I also can't believe that the last 10 years of my life were essentially a lie. That he has slept with who knows how many other women.
I know I sound crazy saying that.
In my husband's case I believe the abuse was the root of the infidelity. He told me that even if we'd had the perfect marriage it wouldn't have stopped him.
In his case he was re-enacting the abuse with these women. It's very complicated but there are lots of information on the net dealing with the after effects of abuse on men.
He has been dealing with his issues and it's being successful so far. He truly is a lovely man who was 'broken' as a child, but I believe with support he is healing and so am I.
It's truly horrific but not beyond repair. If it helps you might like to read my story.
Hugs to you. X
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
I began to see that this is a whole different ball game, that some of the usual 'rules' such as a no-contact letter do not really apply in these cases (can you imagine a prostitute getting a no-contact letter?). Also that some who have not been in the situation don't believe in sex addiction or are critical of those who do or who love a sex addict.
Please do yourself a favor and visit that forum. Read up on all the books they recommend. I just finished the one called Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets by Claudia Black (got it from the library). Honestly, it was an eye-opener for me. I related to many of the women in the book. I also began to see that what my husband has done has absolutely nothing to do with me or our marriage. He loved and still loves me; however, he is damaged, also by childhood sexual abuse (as many sex addicts are), and he treats sex like an alcoholic does alcohol. Self-medication.
I am so glad to hear that your spouse is getting help. Mine, sadly, is not. Which is why we're splitting up, and my heart is breaking. I sincerely hope that your heart may heal if your WS does everything he can to change. It can be done.