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HormonalWoman posted 11/13/2013 13:48 PM

One of the ongoing issues between my wh and I is his lack of responsibility. I ask him to do something, he will 'forget' and me and the kids invariably end up being worse off for it.

For example, i ask him to leave his car and walk to work whilst mine is in the garage. He 'forgets' i then end up with a call from school wanting me to pick up a sick child and I can't get there. One time our tyre had a puncture. He put the spare on but didn't sort a new tyre. Another tyre gets a puncture, we have no spare. Fortunately he took the kids to school that day (a rare thing) so for once he had to sort the consequences of his lack of actions , but these are typical examples.

He is currently away with work. He's in the middle of kenya with no comms to home (he's in the british army). He is due to leave the army next year and is booked on a 5 week course in January which is part of his resettlement package to help him gain a new career when he leaves. He receives an email today saying he needs to pay the out standing balance on the course by the end of the month or he will lose his place. Obviously he cannot do this as he is not in the country and will not be back before the deadline.

I cannot pay with his card as it's his card and the payment has to be made over the phone, i am not authorised to use it or a joint name on his account. I could pay with my card and transfer money from our savings.

The question is, do i? I am sick of picking up the pieces where he can't be bothered. He had two emails a month before he left for Kenya asking him to pay and he just hasn't bothered. Not going could impact his future career which will impact on me and the kids. The course has 3 elements to it. He may not get on another course although i believe he could probably do the 3 elements in 3 separate courses. Do i save his arse AGAIN and pay or let him lose the place and learn the hard way?

I am sick of being responsible for him and if i keep 'saving' him surely he will never learn? But then if i don't step in, me and the kids often suffer too

[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 1:48 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

Softcentre posted 11/13/2013 14:00 PM

You have to let him fall.

Sounds like he's passive aggressive but at the very least, he expects you to fulfil a parent role that is an unhealthy marriage dynamic. You need to step back and let him reap the consequences of his choices, or you'll be enabling him.

And yes, it may affect you all, but he needs to learn and stop being a manchild. You're not his mother. ((hugs))

HormonalWoman posted 11/13/2013 14:31 PM

Thank you Softcentre. I am sick of being treated like his mother, the 3 kids are enough without the 4th adult one I know i need to let this happen but i wanted others opinions to reassure myself it's the right thing to do.

I know some people will not understand why i didn't just sort it out and will possibly blame me and i think this irritates me most of all. Poor husband is away and un-contactable, how selfish and petty of me not to sort it out on his behalf whilst he's working so hard to support his family.

Last year my sil commented on the fact i wasn't sorting all of the xmas presents for his side of the family (something i now refuse to do). Admittedly he was deployed at the time, but he had almost daily internet access so there was no reason he couldn't do it himself. Not to mention it has bog all to do with her