You are not alone. I eagerly await replies from other more experienced survivors.
Just know that someone else is feeling the same way- I know it's not very helpful right now- but you are not crazy or strange. Well, not any crazier than I am anyway.
Sending you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
Wishing you strength.
R is indeed a rollercoaster and an extreme one at that. I don't have any really good advice, other than I understand where you are at. You are correct in that you are not the broken one and are not responsible for his poor choices.
Are you talking to a counselor? It helped me, I was actually talking to a counselor before my W told me about her affair, I was just seeking help for our marriage because things were bad and I wanted to make it better.
The terrible feelings will subside with time, though it seems hard to believe now. Maybe it would help if you took a day or two just for you to feel better. Get out, go do something fun (and healthy or constructive) on your own.
I'm about 4 months out and I had to make myself accept the fact that no matter how hard I tried, it may not work. I may have to let go. When I came to peace with that, I really de-stressed big time. Sadness, hurt, bad thoughts, all still there, but kind of in the background now. Those bad feelings no longer control me.
I wish you the best, no matter what the outcome.
When I initially read your post, I wondered if you felt like you have the truth or has he been TTing you? Has NC been established? What is he doing to help you?
Are you in IC? Is he? Do you have a friend you can confide in? Have you read Not Just Friends? You will see that he was responsible for the affair, not you. On one of my first posts, an SIer said, "That is his shame to carry, not yours." And I feel like it is so true.
Sorry, that is a lot of questions. Don't answer them for me, but for yourself. Sending you hugs!