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CATransplant posted 11/13/2013 15:28 PM

We are trying R and riding the rollercoaster much of the time. I feel totally content one day and have that followed by 6 days of dread. Today is dread number 2. I feel like my heart is going to burst. Not with pride, but with shame, confusion, and just pure uncensored hurt. I dont know what to do. My H is trying to do anything he thinks that willor has helped me, but for the most part I feel like I am moving further and further away. I have not thought about the A in awhile and heaven knows that is a blessing. So what is causing this turmoil? I cant breath most of the time. Stomach feels like I can't keep anything down. Sleep is stressful and I feel like I am ready to explode. I cry most mornings upon awakening. Anger is not an issue yet. I say yet because I have had one episode in which I am not proud of. I didn't know I had the ability to be so vicious. Not a good day that I will ever forget. I feel so alone. Why, H is doing everything he should and then some. It seems the more he does the more I want to bolt. Is this common? I wish I could wrap my head around my behavior. Oh please help me. Sometimes I feel it is more than I can ever bear. Stress, Sadness, and this deep Hurt that will not subside no matter what is going on. I need advice. Books are not helping. The more I read the more I feel like I was so broken and caused his flight. I know I did nothing wrong and that he was the one broken and made wrong choices. I feel like I am loosing me completely and to tell you the truth, I guess I just no longer care.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/13/2013 15:49 PM

Hi- I'm at 4 months and can't offer any advice- but I could have written your post word for word. The morning tears, the angry outburst the drifting away, the feeling responsibility, the spouse who does everything he can think of to help.

You are not alone. I eagerly await replies from other more experienced survivors.

Just know that someone else is feeling the same way- I know it's not very helpful right now- but you are not crazy or strange. Well, not any crazier than I am anyway.

Sending you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.
Wishing you strength.

1owner posted 11/13/2013 16:04 PM


R is indeed a rollercoaster and an extreme one at that. I don't have any really good advice, other than I understand where you are at. You are correct in that you are not the broken one and are not responsible for his poor choices.

Are you talking to a counselor? It helped me, I was actually talking to a counselor before my W told me about her affair, I was just seeking help for our marriage because things were bad and I wanted to make it better.

The terrible feelings will subside with time, though it seems hard to believe now. Maybe it would help if you took a day or two just for you to feel better. Get out, go do something fun (and healthy or constructive) on your own.

I'm about 4 months out and I had to make myself accept the fact that no matter how hard I tried, it may not work. I may have to let go. When I came to peace with that, I really de-stressed big time. Sadness, hurt, bad thoughts, all still there, but kind of in the background now. Those bad feelings no longer control me.

I wish you the best, no matter what the outcome.

ILINIA posted 11/13/2013 19:06 PM

((CATransplant)) My 5 months is this Friday, so we are on a similar roller coasters. My emotions this week have been raw hate, but I know it will evolve into bleakness for a few days, then sadness. It is so incredibly hard and I have learned not to set expectations.

When I initially read your post, I wondered if you felt like you have the truth or has he been TTing you? Has NC been established? What is he doing to help you?

Are you in IC? Is he? Do you have a friend you can confide in? Have you read Not Just Friends? You will see that he was responsible for the affair, not you. On one of my first posts, an SIer said, "That is his shame to carry, not yours." And I feel like it is so true.

Sorry, that is a lot of questions. Don't answer them for me, but for yourself. Sending you hugs!

CATransplant posted 11/14/2013 15:38 PM

I want to thank each one of you for your thoughts, experiences, and questions. Wonder I thank you for your kind words. I can't say I am happy that you are parallelling my journey in some ways. I would not wish this trip on anyone, although some of the happier times are quite nice. Again thanks for the support. 1owner I thank you for the idea about doing something for myself. I think I will do just that. I don't have the ability to get out often and when I can there isn't anything around here for me to stick my nose into, but I will find something. Thank you for your kind words and support. And last but not least,ILINIA thank you. You bring up very good points. IC is out of question, finances and location makes it impossible. H did go for two sessions. Both times he was mis-scheduled, had his time shortened or calls were not returned. Not a very good situation. As for him doing what it takes. He has taken ownership for all he has done. He has told me all I want to know and has read every book I have brought home. He is kind, constantly letting me know how he feels about his choices and listens to me when I am at my worst. Unfortunately I have noone close to me to talk to. Not a friend around, no family other than him and my job also keeps me isolated. I guess you can say I am an island. Without this site, I would have not a human other than my H, to understand what I am facing. Pretty Sad! Oh well, I shall survive and become stronger, wiser, and hopefully happier, given enough time. Again Thanks from one who really appreciates your support. Love you guys.

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