((((Hugs))))) and strength to you
Be smart, not naive. This is 2013.
Finally one day (lots of stuff in between) I had enough. I split our bills, I moved money into an account with my name on it and told him I wanted a D. I was ready for it.....Actually, I sent an email to his "secret" email he didn't know I knew about. Told him we needed to talk. As soon as he opened it...he called me into the room. Then I announced I wanted a D. I wanted to make sure he was using that email.
He pulled his head out of tush then. He did break NC after that once...we got through it but in many ways I wished I would have ended it then.
As long as you allow him to determine if he is happy...he will continue hurting you and using her. Not to say what the outcome will be, but you need to be ready for.
Read through the Healing Library, the 180! Ultimately, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do or isn't willing to do.
As far as your son goes and protecting him. He's 14. As hurtful as this may be, he very, very likely already knows what is going on. He may not know every grisly detail, but he likely has the big picture. Is your H modeling the right behavior you want your son to emulate when as he matures into an adult? So sorry.
You mentioned prior marriage counseling. Any individual counseling for yourself in the future? Give it some consideration if you haven't.
You'll get through this. Unfortunately we don't live in a fairy tale world and there's not always happy endings, but we make the most and best of what we have. In the end maybe we can look back and say that we went through Hell, but the journey took me to a better place than where I was at.
Best wishes for you!! Let us know how you're doing.
You're very smart to have retained a high-power attorney. Ask him about filing for separation right now and, if that isn't legal in your state, to file for divorce so that your WH cannot spend any more of your assets on his whores. File for sole use of the house, physical custody of your child, and everything else that you want. Fire a shot over his bow that he either gets his shit together or you are going to take him to the mat. And if the OW has a husband or boyfriend, out her to them. Your goal is to either kill this affair right now or to get your WH out of your house. Remember. If he does pull his head out of his ass and start to make whole-hearted efforts to R, you can always delay or cancel the divorce. But you need to make some very aggressive moves right now to protect you, your son, and your assets from his spending them on his lurve. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by Swims at 3:59 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]
he would "think about" trying to work it out
There are so many people here who wish they could turn their unremorseful WS into a remorseful one, but there just isn't any magic trick to do it. You can't change him. You can only control you.
So many posts are people saying, "He's so cruel and mean and still cheating. How do I stop him from doing this and save my marriage?"
Based on many stories I've read here, the best chance of getting him back and beginning to have an honest, health marriage is to do is a HARD 180. Don't just talk to him about what will happen if he loses you or try to make him imagine it. JUST DO IT. Show him with actions what it will be like. This may force his head out of his ass, and it may not. If it does force his head out of his ass, then you may have a chance at R. And if it does not force his head out of his ass, then 180'ing him and beginning the divorce process was the best thing you could have done to begin your healing. Repeat after to me: I can't change him. He can only change himself. And if he doesn't want to change himself, I DO NOT want him anymore.
He is causing you pain, confusion, and heartache, and you don't deserve any of that. He's being a heartless, thoughtless dickhead, and he must know that you DO NOT want to stick around if that's who he wants to be. He's still contacting the OW? F that girl. Find your bitch boots and show him the door and tell him to stay out. There should be a ZERO TOLERANCE policy on disrespectful behavior. Perhaps if he starts realizing what the consequences of his actions will mean for him, he will have some incentive to change.
Big hugs girl..
I have the exact same problem, my situation is almost identical to yours... I have the same fear and I am a few years older than you...
I keep telling myself it isn't all about the money as well but I have little family support...I think after a few months of supporting me my family would be tired of me and the drama of my D :/
I am living off of my pension, I worked my butt off for close to 30 years to earn this pension.. My WH is unemployed without savings or pension...A D would divide my pension that barely supports me as it is... I am not ready to go back to work health wise and I don't want to have to work outside the home to support my WH because some court ordered me to..
I can't throw my WH out and he refuses to leave...His behavior from the beginning was as if he wanted the marriage to deteriorate so that he would have an excuse to have A's and have me fed up enough initiate D..He has so much to gain in D as he doesn't love me as a partner in a marriage anymore...
When I initiate D I know WH will jump at the chance for a D and take me for as much as he can so that he can continue to be a lazy cheating bum who will get 1/2 of what I have worked hard for every month..
I have no illusions about working on the M, we live in an in-house separation..I don't do WH's laundry, cooking, no sex between us, we sleep in separate bedrooms..
I am biding my time to figure out some loophole of S or D so that I don't end up having to give up or divide part of my pension or savings..
Maybe your WH is less stubborn than mine and wouldn't be as inclined to live separated in house as long as WH and I have...
I will follow this thread closely..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:52 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]
180 him and detach for your own sanity. Is the ow married? Out her to her BH asap!
Take care of you and your DS.
Sounds like you're on the roller coaster. For the longest time I felt similar what to what I think you're feeling. At times wanted a D, there wasn't true remorse, felt like I,I,I,I was the one trying to save the marriage, and that my WS should be the one groveling. After what felt like a long time, I think I finally found the true remorse and the fog lifted for her and really wanted the M to work. Still rocky days though. I hope you find the same. But in the mean time, buckle yourself in for a bumpy ride.
Again, best wishes!! And really, life isnt' all about money (not saying that's what you meant either). If the M doesn't work, 50% may be a small price to pay to get on with life...
I don't mean to be argumentative towards betrayedme2 because in essence he is correct and I agree with him.. All one can do in the end is make intelligent decisions, dive in and do his/her best to make life better and hope/pray that everything turns out well..
I know a lot of my thought process written below is born out of my paralyzing fear of being old and struggling someday after working hard and saving/ spending/investing wisely all of these years..
Let's assume the cheater spouse doesn't work presently and hasn't worked enough to save up a pension or nest egg during the M...A divorce settlement that takes 50% of the bread earner spouse's pension and other monetary assets, isn't a small price to pay if one is circling 60 or more years of age...In fact a settlement like this can turn out to be a huge burden to last the rest of the bread earner spouse's life..
Especially if one or both spouses prior to the D has issues with health that make it difficult to go back to work full time..
IMHO one has to be wealthy if he or she is at retirement age or any age for that matter, and is looking at divorce as a serious option to get out of the M..
Sorry for the slight thread jack and the out of the blue novel of a post :/
It is just that your situation almost mirrors mine except you seem to have more hope for R to happen..
Maybe a post nup might work in your situation if your WH would agree..
Sending you strength...
I have sent you a pm.