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ddmmaad posted 11/13/2013 15:39 PM

I'm actually hoping that by writing this, I'll realize what a jerk my WH is and that I'll begin to move on, but I think a part of me will keep trying to work it out. About a year ago my WS started hanging out at the local bar more and more and he would start a fight just so he could storm out. Last January, I discovered that he was texting another woman 20-30 times a day. When I confronted him, he swore that they were just friends (which I now know is an EA but I wasn't as informed at the time!). We went to counseling and he agreed to stop all contact with her. But, he never showed any remorse and didn't take the counseling seriously so we didn't go very long. Things got better for a little while but in the summer, the distance between us grew again - even worse this time. I tried to talk to him a bunch of times, but got nowhere. I was still checking phone records and there were no calls to the OW (he had a prepaid phone!) . Then he started going to our vacation home on weekends to see his parents, work on the house etc. I often wasn't able to go as I stayed home to take care of my son (football is a year round commitment at his age!). Of course I found out that he was only going to shore only 1/2 the time he said he was. When I confronted him (D-day #2 - Sept 13th), he mumbled that he did use protection (!!). He says that he's not moving out and now just comes and goes as he pleases. I can't stand coming home and since I'm losing my job at work, I can't stand going there either. And, I don't want my 14 year old son seeing this! Still no remorse for his actions (he was "so unhappy") and he even starting contacting the OW on his regular cell phone countless times a day (which of course I check daily which is killing me). We talked rationally for the first time Saturday and he said that he that he wasn't happy at all with his life now and he would "think about" trying to work it out. I know I deserve better than this but then I think about our happy years together, our terrific son and the fact that I still love him and try yet again to talk to him to work it out. HELP!!!

MartlArts posted 11/13/2013 17:06 PM

I am SO sorry you are here, but you found a good resource here. Please read the articles suggested for healing here. I reccomend you specifically read about the 180 - that will help you focus on yourself and getting stronger. Please remember to take care of yourself, stay hydrated with water, look into individual counseling if you can. Keep posting here with questions or if you just need to vent. Lots of folks here who will understand and share wisdom

((((Hugs))))) and strength to you

Gr8Lady posted 11/13/2013 17:52 PM

When I began reading your story about gut meter immediately went off.
You now get what you are really dealing with.

Be smart, not naive. This is 2013.

brkn_heartd posted 11/13/2013 19:07 PM

It will last as long as you allow it to last. you are letting him string you both along. It took me a couple of months to decide I was worth more than that. I begged and pleaded for him to get rid of his no avail.

Finally one day (lots of stuff in between) I had enough. I split our bills, I moved money into an account with my name on it and told him I wanted a D. I was ready for it.....Actually, I sent an email to his "secret" email he didn't know I knew about. Told him we needed to talk. As soon as he opened it...he called me into the room. Then I announced I wanted a D. I wanted to make sure he was using that email.

He pulled his head out of tush then. He did break NC after that once...we got through it but in many ways I wished I would have ended it then.

As long as you allow him to determine if he is happy...he will continue hurting you and using her. Not to say what the outcome will be, but you need to be ready for.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/14/2013 03:13 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I admire you for keeping it together through it all, especially with your son- I know how hard that is. You need to 180 HARD. He needs to get his head out of his ass and you need to focus on you, for your sake- and your son.

betrayedme2 posted 11/14/2013 08:01 AM

ddmmaad, Like others have said, you need to take care of yourself and son first and foremost. Sounds like your H is either in a fog or just doesn't care. If you haven't already TALK WITH A LAWYER!! Information on options, whether or not you choose to exercise those options can make you feel better, or at least more secure with your future with whatever it holds. State laws vary greatly regarding divorce and separations.

Read through the Healing Library, the 180! Ultimately, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do or isn't willing to do.

As far as your son goes and protecting him. He's 14. As hurtful as this may be, he very, very likely already knows what is going on. He may not know every grisly detail, but he likely has the big picture. Is your H modeling the right behavior you want your son to emulate when as he matures into an adult? So sorry.

You mentioned prior marriage counseling. Any individual counseling for yourself in the future? Give it some consideration if you haven't.

You'll get through this. Unfortunately we don't live in a fairy tale world and there's not always happy endings, but we make the most and best of what we have. In the end maybe we can look back and say that we went through Hell, but the journey took me to a better place than where I was at.

Best wishes for you!! Let us know how you're doing.

ddmmaad posted 11/14/2013 11:42 AM

Thanks everyone for the replies. It absolutely helps to get others viewpoints. I am doing everything I should be -- taking care of my son and my health, going out with my WONDERFUL friends, seeing a counselor. But, not feeling better (I know it takes time but I'm really tired of feeling this way). I've see a high powered attorney as I have significant investments that I don't want divided - unfortunately I stand to lose a lot if we do get divorced. I am the principal breadwinner (so I don't even need him for $)and pay 90% of the bills. I'm now making him pay me "rent" each week which feels ridiculous. He says that he can't afford to move out so I can just see us living this way for a long time -I really don't know where to go from here......

Skan posted 11/14/2013 14:27 PM

You know, when I D my first husband, I walked away with a 15 year old truck, some furniture, and a load of debit. And it was worth every penny that I walked away from, because I had control of MY life back.

You're very smart to have retained a high-power attorney. Ask him about filing for separation right now and, if that isn't legal in your state, to file for divorce so that your WH cannot spend any more of your assets on his whores. File for sole use of the house, physical custody of your child, and everything else that you want. Fire a shot over his bow that he either gets his shit together or you are going to take him to the mat. And if the OW has a husband or boyfriend, out her to them. Your goal is to either kill this affair right now or to get your WH out of your house. Remember. If he does pull his head out of his ass and start to make whole-hearted efforts to R, you can always delay or cancel the divorce. But you need to make some very aggressive moves right now to protect you, your son, and your assets from his spending them on his lurve. (((hugs)))

ddmmaad posted 11/14/2013 15:47 PM

Unfortunately, in my state I have almost zero rights. There is no legal separation, I can't throw him out of the house and if we divorce,he will get 50% of everything. I may even have to pay alimony!!! I know its not all about the money but I've worked my butt off for years and saved and I really don't want a cheating spouse to steal it. Luckily all our accounts are separate so he can't spend my money directly.

Swims posted 11/14/2013 15:57 PM

Is he informed of his rights in your state? Most of us aren't aware (I'm the BS) of what our rights are until we consult with an attorney. I kicked my FWH out on D-day... I have no idea if he had rights to the marital home at that time. And he had no clue, either. I would get the Hefty bags out if he is clueless. Strength to you!!


[This message edited by Swims at 3:59 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 11/14/2013 16:22 PM

he would "think about" trying to work it out


There are so many people here who wish they could turn their unremorseful WS into a remorseful one, but there just isn't any magic trick to do it. You can't change him. You can only control you.

So many posts are people saying, "He's so cruel and mean and still cheating. How do I stop him from doing this and save my marriage?"

Based on many stories I've read here, the best chance of getting him back and beginning to have an honest, health marriage is to do is a HARD 180. Don't just talk to him about what will happen if he loses you or try to make him imagine it. JUST DO IT. Show him with actions what it will be like. This may force his head out of his ass, and it may not. If it does force his head out of his ass, then you may have a chance at R. And if it does not force his head out of his ass, then 180'ing him and beginning the divorce process was the best thing you could have done to begin your healing. Repeat after to me: I can't change him. He can only change himself. And if he doesn't want to change himself, I DO NOT want him anymore.

He is causing you pain, confusion, and heartache, and you don't deserve any of that. He's being a heartless, thoughtless dickhead, and he must know that you DO NOT want to stick around if that's who he wants to be. He's still contacting the OW? F that girl. Find your bitch boots and show him the door and tell him to stay out. There should be a ZERO TOLERANCE policy on disrespectful behavior. Perhaps if he starts realizing what the consequences of his actions will mean for him, he will have some incentive to change.

Big hugs girl..

doggiediva posted 11/14/2013 16:45 PM

****Unfortunately, in my state I have almost zero rights. There is no legal separation, I can't throw him out of the house and if we divorce,he will get 50% of everything. I may even have to pay alimony!!! I know its not all about the money but I've worked my butt off for years and saved and I really don't want a cheating spouse to steal it. Luckily all our accounts are separate so he can't spend my money directly.******

I have the exact same problem, my situation is almost identical to yours... I have the same fear and I am a few years older than you...

I keep telling myself it isn't all about the money as well but I have little family support...I think after a few months of supporting me my family would be tired of me and the drama of my D :/

I am living off of my pension, I worked my butt off for close to 30 years to earn this pension.. My WH is unemployed without savings or pension...A D would divide my pension that barely supports me as it is... I am not ready to go back to work health wise and I don't want to have to work outside the home to support my WH because some court ordered me to..

I can't throw my WH out and he refuses to leave...His behavior from the beginning was as if he wanted the marriage to deteriorate so that he would have an excuse to have A's and have me fed up enough initiate D..He has so much to gain in D as he doesn't love me as a partner in a marriage anymore...

When I initiate D I know WH will jump at the chance for a D and take me for as much as he can so that he can continue to be a lazy cheating bum who will get 1/2 of what I have worked hard for every month..

I have no illusions about working on the M, we live in an in-house separation..I don't do WH's laundry, cooking, no sex between us, we sleep in separate bedrooms..

I am biding my time to figure out some loophole of S or D so that I don't end up having to give up or divide part of my pension or savings..

Maybe your WH is less stubborn than mine and wouldn't be as inclined to live separated in house as long as WH and I have...

I will follow this thread closely..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:52 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

ddmmaad posted 11/15/2013 11:43 AM

Yes, Swims, he know his rights. He has seen an attorney and has threatened me a number of times that "50% of everything is his" Doggiediva - we're doing the exact same thing! He's in a separate room and does his own laundry, etc. But on the plus side he does still cook dinner for my son during the week (I don't get home from work until late). Just this week, we've started talking civil to each other again. Part of me is saying that I'm doing that to try and settle our affairs without a court battle but the bigger part I think is because I really want to work it out. Then I get mad at myself because he should be the one crawling back to me. Believe me, I'm no pushover and I'm not begging him but this back and forth is driving me crazy.

Crushed1 posted 11/15/2013 12:46 PM

(((ddmmaad))) I know it's very difficult to live in the same house with him, knowing he's openly seeing someone else and blatantly throwing it in your face! My H was such a smug bastard during that time!

180 him and detach for your own sanity. Is the ow married? Out her to her BH asap!

Take care of you and your DS.

betrayedme2 posted 11/15/2013 15:19 PM

Ddmmaad, I'm waiting for the day my wife can keep me in a lifestyle I'd like to become accustomed to! Sorry, bad attempt at some humor......

Sounds like you're on the roller coaster. For the longest time I felt similar what to what I think you're feeling. At times wanted a D, there wasn't true remorse, felt like I,I,I,I was the one trying to save the marriage, and that my WS should be the one groveling. After what felt like a long time, I think I finally found the true remorse and the fog lifted for her and really wanted the M to work. Still rocky days though. I hope you find the same. But in the mean time, buckle yourself in for a bumpy ride.

Again, best wishes!! And really, life isnt' all about money (not saying that's what you meant either). If the M doesn't work, 50% may be a small price to pay to get on with life...

doggiediva posted 11/15/2013 18:08 PM

I know I am not you, but I wanted to make a comment in answer to betrayedme2's comment..

I don't mean to be argumentative towards betrayedme2 because in essence he is correct and I agree with him.. All one can do in the end is make intelligent decisions, dive in and do his/her best to make life better and hope/pray that everything turns out well..

I know a lot of my thought process written below is born out of my paralyzing fear of being old and struggling someday after working hard and saving/ spending/investing wisely all of these years..

Let's assume the cheater spouse doesn't work presently and hasn't worked enough to save up a pension or nest egg during the M...A divorce settlement that takes 50% of the bread earner spouse's pension and other monetary assets, isn't a small price to pay if one is circling 60 or more years of age...In fact a settlement like this can turn out to be a huge burden to last the rest of the bread earner spouse's life..

Especially if one or both spouses prior to the D has issues with health that make it difficult to go back to work full time..

IMHO one has to be wealthy if he or she is at retirement age or any age for that matter, and is looking at divorce as a serious option to get out of the M..

Sorry for the slight thread jack and the out of the blue novel of a post :/

It is just that your situation almost mirrors mine except you seem to have more hope for R to happen..

Maybe a post nup might work in your situation if your WH would agree..

Sending you strength...

ddmmaad posted 11/16/2013 10:06 AM

We actually have a prenup but stupid me, I didn't use an attorney and it probably won't hold up in court. I'm really trying to do the 180 thing but I'm just feeling so helpless and abused with this whole situation. This AM, he came home after being out all night and basically snuck out of the house again without even saying a word. I can't live like this but don't know what to do - I want to wait until after the holidays (not sure how I'm going to survive that!)but I can't stand being taken advantage of! And, BTW, the OW is a widow so I can't even rat her out. Seriously thinking of posting on but don't have a picture of her to be able to do that.

doggiediva posted 11/16/2013 13:32 PM

I sent you a PM :-)

Crushed1 posted 11/17/2013 00:37 AM

(((ddmmaad))) My sympathies to you. My H used to do the disappearing act. It was maddening!!! One minute he was here, the next gone. I never knew when he'd show up or where he was. I was working two jobs at the time because money was disappearing and one job was 6pm to 2am! DD, then 11 y/o called me many nights saying "Mom, dad isn't home" or "Dad left and we don't know where he is"! at midnight or 1 am!!! Oldest DS, a teenager was usually home, but still, God only knows what could have happened. I'm so sorry, I know how helpless you feel and how frustrated at the blatant disregard for you and your family. I hope your prenup is valid!!!!

Laura28 posted 11/17/2013 02:30 AM


I have sent you a pm.


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