We renewed our vows in June 2012 even though we weren't 100% there yet. We both felt like it was a good time to make a fresh start. It was a beautiful day filled with our family and close friends and I think it made BH see that I really wanted to make things work.
We still have ups and downs but its been almost a year since my BH brought up the A during a down time. This was a big thing for me because I felt like he'd use that against me forever and really how could win an agrument about who left the toothpaste cap off if could counter with 'Well you cheated on me'
We had to focus on fixing what was wrong with us not what was wrong with me for straying.
I can proudly say that from D Day when I told AP that I no longer wanted to to see or speak to him, he has never tried to contact me and I have never tried to contact him. After what BH and I went through to survive I have no desire to ruin what we have now.
D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM
Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:17 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
The emotional abuse was so intense after that, that we were in house separated and heading to divorce.
^^ this was my first year after d-day. ^^^
There is a lot that he has pulled his head out of his ass about and some that he still needs to work on.
^^ I am feeling this right now. He is in super IC and we have yet to do regular MC sessions other than once a year polygraphs w/our CSAT/MC because SAH still has still more FOO issues to tackle before I will sit through weekly MC sessions. I have done IC and group C as well.
Overall it's been a lot better.
I agree. Much better than last year! We are taking healing steps forward on most days now.
TCD- so very sorry for your loss...hugs to you.
1. WH still works in the same building as OW. He states he does everything in his power to avoid her, but how would I know? I am not there. Every morning when he leaves for work, & every lunch hour or eve when I don't know where he is, I start getting suspicious.
2. WH has stated that he is sorry several times, & that he has learned from his mistake. However, he has not shared any of his inner journey with me. He still states that he doesn't want to read any articles I give him or come on this site because "he is not a cheater" ( see my post in R forum from last week). He still calls his A : "one mistake" ( It was an EA/PA lasting around 9 mos, altho he claims the physical part lasted only 8 days, & there was a lot of sneaking around & lying straight to my face, & IN FRONT OF THE MC).
The sum total of all this is that I don't feel safe. For him to tell me that he didn't know anything was going on between them
"she threw herself on him, kissed him, & said 'I have such a crush on you, why don't I be your mistress" [they were alone in his car when this happened after eating lunch together]
does not leave me feeling very safe. But every time we try to talk about it, he says "we've been thru this already, there's nothing to talk about." I really don't think he is malicious, I just think he is clueless. But he is not willing to look at it.
I guess many here would say that he is not acting truly remorseful.
So, I feel between a rock & a hard place. We are 2 1/2 yrs out, &, yes, we are getting along better than ever, things are very nice between us day to day, but I still have this big wound, & I don't trust him.
3.I know that I have PTSD because this is my 2nd marriage & I was betrayed by both men that I took vows with. The first time, I ended our M on Dday (we had no children). This time, I wasn't making a decision just for myself----there were our 4 kids to think about.
I just wish I had known about this site on Dday---I would have handled everything so much differently. I definitely would NOT have been so nice . I have been extremely co dependent with WH and sacrificed myself.
If you asked WH how things are now, he would say "great", because to some extent I have let hims sweep everything under the rug. I know I made the right decision for the kids, because things feel normal in the house again, & I pray they were not terribly damaged from what WH did.
But I am still in a lot of pain.
In fact, if WH does not make more of an effort to help me heal, I plan to leave once we have an empty nest.
[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:58 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
ETA: WS is forgiven, I understand what went wrong.
[This message edited by Please1983 at 8:31 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
We honestly both tried. But it turned out to be a dealbreaker for me.
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
I later found out a couple wks later that she wasn't the only one. He had seen over a handful of escorts. I was disgusted. My bf has a fetish & although I was doing that fetish, his excuse was I wasn't doing it the way he wanted. He swore never to stray again.
After going to a couple sessions of therapy we decided to try & work through the situation on our own as therapy was expensive. Today I wish we invested more time w the counsellor. I don't trust him. I have access to his emails, cell phone, computer, phone records but I can't help feeling that he is hiding something. He swears he hasn't cheated since Dday but I don't know anymore. I believed him at 1 point but now he started a new job & it's so easy for him to just go on his lunch break to an escort. He was off for a year of work after Dday, we were usually always together. Now that he has this new job I'm a mess. We're on a very tight rope.
Before Dday I didn't care if he watched porn but afterwards I freaked out when I found it on his computer. I told him how it made me feel & I put a tracker on his computer so I could monitor what was going on. He stopped, until a few mths ago he started hiding it on his phone. I found it! Confronted him & he said he was sorry & wouldn't do it again, so I believed him. But a couple wks later again I found it. He tried to hide it. The betrayal is so strong now.
He swears he won't do it again, I'm working on giving him that privledge again but I need to gain some sort of trust back. But when you've been betrayed so many times by the same person how do you move forward & heal? Our 2 year anniversary was oct 1, he swore that it would be a fresh start for us, and since then he hasn't looked at porn. The other day I was doing his laundry & found stains on his underwear. He swore he didn't know why they were there & is even willing to take a lie detector test to prove he hasn't cheated. I'm so stuck I dont know how to handle this.
"Today" our communication is worlds better than it ever was. Our focus on each other is way better than it ever was. We have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves and our relationship and continue to do so. The results are glaring!!!
Endeavor to Persevere
We had to focus on fixing what was wrong with us not what was wrong with me for straying.
this kind of goes against the general thought on this forum.... how did that work for you? I would be angry if my husband didn't work on himself. And feel unsafe.
We are still on the roller coaster. There was TT that screwed up the first year until I found this site. There was counseling and lots of false recovery due to TT issues and we are still paying for the mistrust I have for his truthfulness about the A. I offered him my R with him in exchange for no secrets and he messed that up.
OW did not go away. She has imbedded herself in our social and professional circles. She is a narcissist who had no remorse or regrets. He dropped her on the March 2011 DDay, but she continued to pursue just as she did after the first DDay in November 2010. This time she was met with crickets. He did not try to "nice" his way out of it.
My H has changed jobs, actually a whole new profession, to get away from her. For months she contacted him at his office and left little gifts. She shows up at our social events and has even showed up at our church.
My husbands job requires travel which drives me crazy, but we have boundaries and checks in place. Eventually we will have to move as soon as the house sells. We are leaving our hometown for another city 300 miles away.
I see regret, remorse, and real sorrow in my H for his actions. I have PTSD, need drugs to cope, and struggle with agoraphobia. Some days are better, some days are not. I still need SI and its incredible support.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
We are strong and intensely connected to each other. H totally acknowledged what an idiot he was and has done everything I have asked and then some.
He has been completely transparent and says he has no problem living like that for the rest of our lives.
We have learned to communicate better than we ever have. We don't talk about the EA much anymore but if I have a burning question (that has probably been answered 20 times...lol) I ask...he answers and we discuss. We have just recently gotten to the point that I can have one of those discussions without crying or at least tearing up.
I continue to give him reading material that I find pertinent to our healing and moving forward.
We have attended marriage seminars through our church and went to a Family Life Weekend. Amazingly, he has gotten more out of these than I have. When we leave he always says how glad he is that we went and how much he enjoyed them.
Our friendship, passion, and sex life are truly better than they ever were and they were always good. Communication is way better.
Do I still get occasional anxiety...think "what the heck am I doing here with someone that hurt me so deeply" you bet I do. That is slowly going away and "TIME" along with a H who has sworn to do everything he can to make us better is getting me there.
I wish all of you the best of everything and really know that even with a wayward doing everything right...you still need much time to get over this hurt.