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For those who had DDay in 2011

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ashamedWW posted 11/13/2013 16:26 PM

Just curious to see where others are that had D-Days in 2011. Wondering how far they've come, how their relationship is now with their spouse, etc. Would just love to see where everyone is in the reconciliation process! :)

finallyfree2011 posted 11/13/2013 17:49 PM

D Day was July 2011

We renewed our vows in June 2012 even though we weren't 100% there yet. We both felt like it was a good time to make a fresh start. It was a beautiful day filled with our family and close friends and I think it made BH see that I really wanted to make things work.

We still have ups and downs but its been almost a year since my BH brought up the A during a down time. This was a big thing for me because I felt like he'd use that against me forever and really how could win an agrument about who left the toothpaste cap off if could counter with 'Well you cheated on me'

We had to focus on fixing what was wrong with us not what was wrong with me for straying.

I can proudly say that from D Day when I told AP that I no longer wanted to to see or speak to him, he has never tried to contact me and I have never tried to contact him. After what BH and I went through to survive I have no desire to ruin what we have now.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/13/2013 18:33 PM

DDay was December 2011. We are going through A season now and coming to a close on year 2. There was TT for 9 months until I threw him out in September 2012 and planned to see a lawyer. As we came to 1 year there were some decent times where I thought he got it. But the emotional abuse was escalating. I got pregnant in January 2013 (not planned) and ended up miscarrying. The emotional abuse was so intense after that, that we were in house separated and heading to divorce. I don't know what happened but at the beginning of July we decided to try again. It's been the epitome of roller coaster. He has changed a lot. But the betrayal, lying, abuse, plus the miscarriage (as a stand alone event and related to the affair) has left me fearful and probably suffering from PTSD. There is a lot that he has pulled his head out of his ass about and some that he still needs to work on. Unfortunately he is still working 3 doors down from OW but we are working towards him getting out of there. I made a compromise regarding how much time he needs to make this work financially. He knows that there is a limit to the time I can handle. Overall it's been a lot better. I don't think he really understands how difficult it is to trust after all that has happened and that something little to him is major to someone who has suffered a trauma.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:17 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

cupcakegirl posted 11/13/2013 19:23 PM

My final DDay was Oct 2011.

The emotional abuse was so intense after that, that we were in house separated and heading to divorce.

^^ this was my first year after d-day. ^^^

There is a lot that he has pulled his head out of his ass about and some that he still needs to work on.

^^ I am feeling this right now. He is in super IC and we have yet to do regular MC sessions other than once a year polygraphs w/our CSAT/MC because SAH still has still more FOO issues to tackle before I will sit through weekly MC sessions. I have done IC and group C as well.

Overall it's been a lot better.

I agree. Much better than last year! We are taking healing steps forward on most days now.

TCD- so very sorry for your loss...hugs to you.

mchercheur posted 11/13/2013 19:54 PM

Dday was May 2011.
I asked him to leave on Dday, & our separation lasted for 5 mos because he would not stop contact with OW.
We are still trying to R, still going to MC.
I thought I would be feeling much better by now, & that we would be much further along in R.
I think we are not further along because:

1. WH still works in the same building as OW. He states he does everything in his power to avoid her, but how would I know? I am not there. Every morning when he leaves for work, & every lunch hour or eve when I don't know where he is, I start getting suspicious.

2. WH has stated that he is sorry several times, & that he has learned from his mistake. However, he has not shared any of his inner journey with me. He still states that he doesn't want to read any articles I give him or come on this site because "he is not a cheater" ( see my post in R forum from last week). He still calls his A : "one mistake" ( It was an EA/PA lasting around 9 mos, altho he claims the physical part lasted only 8 days, & there was a lot of sneaking around & lying straight to my face, & IN FRONT OF THE MC).
The sum total of all this is that I don't feel safe. For him to tell me that he didn't know anything was going on between them
"she threw herself on him, kissed him, & said 'I have such a crush on you, why don't I be your mistress" [they were alone in his car when this happened after eating lunch together]
this ^^^^^^^
does not leave me feeling very safe. But every time we try to talk about it, he says "we've been thru this already, there's nothing to talk about." I really don't think he is malicious, I just think he is clueless. But he is not willing to look at it.
I guess many here would say that he is not acting truly remorseful.
So, I feel between a rock & a hard place. We are 2 1/2 yrs out, &, yes, we are getting along better than ever, things are very nice between us day to day, but I still have this big wound, & I don't trust him.

3.I know that I have PTSD because this is my 2nd marriage & I was betrayed by both men that I took vows with. The first time, I ended our M on Dday (we had no children). This time, I wasn't making a decision just for myself----there were our 4 kids to think about.

I just wish I had known about this site on Dday---I would have handled everything so much differently. I definitely would NOT have been so nice . I have been extremely co dependent with WH and sacrificed myself.

If you asked WH how things are now, he would say "great", because to some extent I have let hims sweep everything under the rug. I know I made the right decision for the kids, because things feel normal in the house again, & I pray they were not terribly damaged from what WH did.
But I am still in a lot of pain.
In fact, if WH does not make more of an effort to help me heal, I plan to leave once we have an empty nest.


[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:58 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

frigidfire86 posted 11/14/2013 00:59 AM

D-Day was May 2011. We've been in limbo since then, although he did finally decide, 6 weeks ago, to go to MC with me. I'm not sure it's doing any good. Still waiting for an apology, but not holding my breath for it. So yeah...that's my life.

Please1983 posted 11/14/2013 08:28 AM

DDay august 2011, seems like a lot longer ago. The first year was hell, WS hated me for the first few months. Then it took him about 10 months to get a new job away from AP.
I think because DDay was our little boys first birthday it made the year seem a really defined time that we had to get past. I wished that year away. After the first few months he realy got it and did his best at all times to be there for me and love me. But I wouldn't let myself heal as much as I felt I could because I didn't want to let him off the hook too easily. And I was very angry.
After the first year things got better and better all the time. Our relationship is better than before. I think before we had just coasted along and ended up together without ever really choosing to, but to get past this shit we had to choose each other and want it to work out. So now we choose to love each other.
We had a baby in September, planned, and I look at him and I know that if we hadn't sorted ourselfs out he would not be here. I am happy and proud that he is.
Life has moved on. I mostly just come on here when I'm stuck on the couch feeding the baby.

ETA: WS is forgiven, I understand what went wrong.

[This message edited by Please1983 at 8:31 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/14/2013 09:01 AM

D-Day #1 was December 22 2011. The decision was made this week to end our marriage; I'll be moved out by New Year's, and we're agreeing on everything re: division of assets,etc so divorce should be final before next summer.

We honestly both tried. But it turned out to be a dealbreaker for me.

BrokenGoddess posted 11/14/2013 09:03 AM

My Dday was July 2011. I'm common law w/my bf. no kids. I found a text on his phone to the escort he saw. When I confronted him on who this was he lied & said it was a friend from college. I never heard about this friend. After an abundance of questions he came clean & told me he hired her.

I later found out a couple wks later that she wasn't the only one. He had seen over a handful of escorts. I was disgusted. My bf has a fetish & although I was doing that fetish, his excuse was I wasn't doing it the way he wanted. He swore never to stray again.

After going to a couple sessions of therapy we decided to try & work through the situation on our own as therapy was expensive. Today I wish we invested more time w the counsellor. I don't trust him. I have access to his emails, cell phone, computer, phone records but I can't help feeling that he is hiding something. He swears he hasn't cheated since Dday but I don't know anymore. I believed him at 1 point but now he started a new job & it's so easy for him to just go on his lunch break to an escort. He was off for a year of work after Dday, we were usually always together. Now that he has this new job I'm a mess. We're on a very tight rope.

Before Dday I didn't care if he watched porn but afterwards I freaked out when I found it on his computer. I told him how it made me feel & I put a tracker on his computer so I could monitor what was going on. He stopped, until a few mths ago he started hiding it on his phone. I found it! Confronted him & he said he was sorry & wouldn't do it again, so I believed him. But a couple wks later again I found it. He tried to hide it. The betrayal is so strong now.

He swears he won't do it again, I'm working on giving him that privledge again but I need to gain some sort of trust back. But when you've been betrayed so many times by the same person how do you move forward & heal? Our 2 year anniversary was oct 1, he swore that it would be a fresh start for us, and since then he hasn't looked at porn. The other day I was doing his laundry & found stains on his underwear. He swore he didn't know why they were there & is even willing to take a lie detector test to prove he hasn't cheated. I'm so stuck I dont know how to handle this.

AFrayedKnot posted 11/14/2013 09:14 AM

Dday was Black Friday 2011. We are smack dab in the middle of the A season. Things are good. This second year was really hard from January through August or so. I was very depressed and in what many here have termed The Plain of Lethal Flatness. Coming out of that took a lot of focus on "today" instead of the past.

"Today" our communication is worlds better than it ever was. Our focus on each other is way better than it ever was. We have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves and our relationship and continue to do so. The results are glaring!!!

Drew_n_Va posted 11/14/2013 09:27 AM

Day was 1-26-11. I consider us fully reconciled. My wife has been the "poster child" for a WS trying to help her BS heal. Our marriage today is stronger and we are more connected than we have ever been.

rachelc posted 11/14/2013 09:35 AM

We had to focus on fixing what was wrong with us not what was wrong with me for straying.

this kind of goes against the general thought on this forum.... how did that work for you? I would be angry if my husband didn't work on himself. And feel unsafe.

Lovedyoumore posted 11/14/2013 10:02 AM

We are in the beginning of A season that ended March 15, 2011. There was a 6 month EA followed by a 3 month PA that involved sex nearly every day.

We are still on the roller coaster. There was TT that screwed up the first year until I found this site. There was counseling and lots of false recovery due to TT issues and we are still paying for the mistrust I have for his truthfulness about the A. I offered him my R with him in exchange for no secrets and he messed that up.

OW did not go away. She has imbedded herself in our social and professional circles. She is a narcissist who had no remorse or regrets. He dropped her on the March 2011 DDay, but she continued to pursue just as she did after the first DDay in November 2010. This time she was met with crickets. He did not try to "nice" his way out of it.

My H has changed jobs, actually a whole new profession, to get away from her. For months she contacted him at his office and left little gifts. She shows up at our social events and has even showed up at our church.

My husbands job requires travel which drives me crazy, but we have boundaries and checks in place. Eventually we will have to move as soon as the house sells. We are leaving our hometown for another city 300 miles away.

I see regret, remorse, and real sorrow in my H for his actions. I have PTSD, need drugs to cope, and struggle with agoraphobia. Some days are better, some days are not. I still need SI and its incredible support.

Notmetoo2011 posted 11/14/2013 12:09 PM

My DDay was In July 2011. I initially thought I definitely wanted to R. WH is remorseful, working on himself and trying to make things right but I feel I am more on the fence now than I was a year ago. We get along fine but the love is gone for me. We have been together for 30 years so it is hard to walk away from so much history. I am hanging on hoping my feelings will change but I think this might have been a deal breaker for me.

struggling3 posted 11/14/2013 12:51 PM

D Day was August 5, 2011
I was never so blindsided by anything in my life. I honestly don't remember the first six months...just too much pain.

We are strong and intensely connected to each other. H totally acknowledged what an idiot he was and has done everything I have asked and then some.

He has been completely transparent and says he has no problem living like that for the rest of our lives.

We have learned to communicate better than we ever have. We don't talk about the EA much anymore but if I have a burning question (that has probably been answered 20 I ask...he answers and we discuss. We have just recently gotten to the point that I can have one of those discussions without crying or at least tearing up.

I continue to give him reading material that I find pertinent to our healing and moving forward.

We have attended marriage seminars through our church and went to a Family Life Weekend. Amazingly, he has gotten more out of these than I have. When we leave he always says how glad he is that we went and how much he enjoyed them.

Our friendship, passion, and sex life are truly better than they ever were and they were always good. Communication is way better.

Do I still get occasional anxiety...think "what the heck am I doing here with someone that hurt me so deeply" you bet I do. That is slowly going away and "TIME" along with a H who has sworn to do everything he can to make us better is getting me there.

I wish all of you the best of everything and really know that even with a wayward doing everything still need much time to get over this hurt.

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