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Newest Member: Kapooie (46002)

User Topic: Internal Ultimatum
Nest2007
♀ 39532
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two days ago I discovered that I will have to work on the same day as OW when I return to work next year. The despair and rage I felt was overwhelming. In the midst of yet another panic attack, I wrote (but didn't send) a very blunt, very harsh text to OW telling her exactly what I expected of her when I return to work. I sent a copy of the intended text to my fWH, as well as a number of angry follow up texts (one of the first times I've ever expressed real anger) to him when he replied to please wait until we could talk about it that night.

Add to that the fact that we'd also discussed and drafted a NC letter the day before as there's no longer any need for them to communicate professionally. He agrees this is necessary and should have been done five months ago, but he wants to hold off on sending that since she's so unstable.

Then compound it with the fact that ultimately, I feel as though I can't move on until the A is outed, which will cost my H his job (small Christian school) and possibly his career within the company that runs our school (he's been flagged as a future principal by the board). I'm tired of living in fear all the time, fear that somehow it will get out and we lose the power of being on the offensive. But in a marriage where we are succeeding at R, how can I do that to my H?

So it rocked me to my already very emotionally unstable core when the thought popped into my head "Send the NC letter, let me send the text to her, and out the A or I'm DONE" Where the hell did that come from? On my good days, I'm logical and know the danger of all three of those points. On my bad days, I'm consumed by revenge fantasies and it takes every bit of my will power to stop from doing something stupid.

I am committed to R, He is too. He is a model remorseful spouse - everything that SI-ers recommend he should be doing, he does (without ever having visited this site). But thoughts like that pop into my head and shake me deeply. I do not want to lose him. I do not want to destru his trust in me the way he did mine in him.

And all this has happened in the three weeks since we were last able to see our MC/IC. Gonna be a massive session this afternoon!


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you, Nest.
The AP in our situation was a friend who travels in a similar social circle. I don't have to work with her, but not seeing her is unlikely. We crossed paths (no words) twice this weekend, and I saw her H once. So, it seems never ending.

In my low moments, I want to out her. I feel like she preyed on my H and hit him at a weak moment - although he is 100% to blame for his actions. (She had a crush on him for years, apparently, and let him know all the things she had "loved" about him over the time our families were friends as they descended into the affair -- blowing up his ego like a Macy's Day balloon. It was sick and incredibly immature.)

Anyway, I try to tell myself that her actions are between her, her husband, and the universe. I do believe in karma (but worry about how my H's will affect us! ha.) I think that people are fallible, and that what you do after you make a monumental mistake is as important as the mistake. My H is working so hard, and so am I. It seems unfair a lot of the time, but I try to remember that the affair wasn't really about her. She was just opportunity disguised as a friend.

But, I think your revenge fantasies are normal. Is there a way to get a sense of justice without upending your life? You wrote the letter/text and sat on it. . . can you read it to a therapist? Read it to the dog? Drop it in the mail with no address? I totally get your pain and sense of powerlessness. I bet after you see her at work a few times, you'll feel more powerful as you handle it, and these feelings will pass.

Peace to you.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2241 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then compound it with the fact that ultimately, I feel as though I can't move on until the A is outed, which will cost my H his job (small Christian school) and possibly his career within the company that runs our school (he's been flagged as a future principal by the board). I'm tired of living in fear all the time, fear that somehow it will get out and we lose the power of being on the offensive. But in a marriage where we are succeeding at R, how can I do that to my H?

Essentially, you can't if you truly want R (and it sounds like you do). And if he is working hard and being a model spouse, then this would be like taking a hammer and smashing R all over the its head. You know that though. You were feeling angry - and rightly so - about the AP and from there your thoughts spiraled to revenge.

Knowing is half the battle Nest. You are conscience of these destructive thoughts. Create an image - maybe with a cane coming on stage and pulling you away from that thought and back into the present. Focus on how far you have come. The good things your H is doing to ensure a happy, honest and stable future.

I too wanted revenge. Your D-Day was this past summer so I totally get you feeling this way. But hold onto yourself during these low moments. You can do it.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2672 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thought? Should have thought about the consequences before having an affair.

My husband lost his job due to his behavior, we are surviving after. Much better in fact.

Fuck consequences. They put themselves in this position.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Nest2007
♀ 39532
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 13th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bionicgal, I remember your DDay was shortly after mine - you and LA44 were either posting a lot when I joined or even commented and advised on some of my topics.

I too feel like OW preyed on my H. I know it's 100% his choice to go too far, but it never would have happened without her relentless pursuit of him combined with his near nervous breakdown state of mind. IC and MC are helping massively even though he is so self aware/self analytical that he comes to most of his conclusions and revelations himself and then just talks them through with our psychologist! Point is though, I despise OW, hate her with a passion I never thought possible. Revenge fantasies are blissful, but impossible!

I love the suggestions to mail my letters out into the universe. Thanks! You too LA44, you're right that successful R cannot involve my fantasies. Great advice, thank you guys.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Topic Posts: 5

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