Two days ago I discovered that I will have to work on the same day as OW when I return to work next year. The despair and rage I felt was overwhelming. In the midst of yet another panic attack, I wrote (but didn't send) a very blunt, very harsh text to OW telling her exactly what I expected of her when I return to work. I sent a copy of the intended text to my fWH, as well as a number of angry follow up texts (one of the first times I've ever expressed real anger) to him when he replied to please wait until we could talk about it that night.
Add to that the fact that we'd also discussed and drafted a NC letter the day before as there's no longer any need for them to communicate professionally. He agrees this is necessary and should have been done five months ago, but he wants to hold off on sending that since she's so unstable.
Then compound it with the fact that ultimately, I feel as though I can't move on until the A is outed, which will cost my H his job (small Christian school) and possibly his career within the company that runs our school (he's been flagged as a future principal by the board). I'm tired of living in fear all the time, fear that somehow it will get out and we lose the power of being on the offensive. But in a marriage where we are succeeding at R, how can I do that to my H?
So it rocked me to my already very emotionally unstable core when the thought popped into my head "Send the NC letter, let me send the text to her, and out the A or I'm DONE" Where the hell did that come from? On my good days, I'm logical and know the danger of all three of those points. On my bad days, I'm consumed by revenge fantasies and it takes every bit of my will power to stop from doing something stupid.
I am committed to R, He is too. He is a model remorseful spouse - everything that SI-ers recommend he should be doing, he does (without ever having visited this site). But thoughts like that pop into my head and shake me deeply. I do not want to lose him. I do not want to destru his trust in me the way he did mine in him.
And all this has happened in the three weeks since we were last able to see our MC/IC. Gonna be a massive session this afternoon!
DD, only child
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.