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heartbrokeninaz posted 11/13/2013 17:24 PM

My WH and I went out for supper last night. I brought up the A and he changed the subject. I brought it up again and he said every time I keep asking the same questions and it is getting very repetative. That is true, but shouldn't he be there for me anyway? Do I need to move on? I am somewhat of an obsessive person. I am getting no new info or answers. Is it time to stop asking? He has made very positive steps. He is remorseful, we have full transparency, and he is taking huge steps in communicating with me. Our mariage is no longer all about our child. We have our own time now. Am I beating a dead horse?

authenticnow posted 11/13/2013 17:28 PM

My BH asked the same questions over and over. But...he had to keep asking until he got to the point of feeling some kind of peace.

It was his way of processing and putting all the pieces together.

He told me at the time that it was a good way to reestablish trust. If my answers remained constant he'd know I was telling the truth. And my reaction to his asking showed my commitment to our R.

If you feel the need to ask it is not beating a dead horse, it's just what you need. It will change, but it takes time. Your H needs to be patient.

sisoon posted 11/13/2013 17:46 PM

I would say pretty much exactly what AN's H said - answers built trust; when I got the same answer to the same question at different times, my trust level increased; when my W answered difficult questions without defensiveness, despite her shame and guilt, my trust increased. So answering Qs tends to be very good for R.

Sometime during the 2nd year, I started asking myself why I was asking each question. If I thought asking would lead to a positive outcome for me, I'd actually ask the Q. If I didn't see a positive outcome for me, I tended not to ask.

Sometimes I realized I wanted to hurt my W by asking a nasty Q. When that happened, I realized I was hurting, and instead of trying to hurt her, I asked for support.

In other words, IMO, sometimes the way to go is to ask the Q. Sometimes it's better to ask for something other than answers.

With a D-Day 3 months ago, though, my bet is that it's too early to 2nd guess your Qs. I suspect the best way for you to heal is to ask just about any Q that occurs to you.

Since your H is balking, you might come to arrangement of asking is a more structured way - maybe an hour every 1 or 2 or 3 or 7 days, or asking in writing, or something like that.

Alex CR posted 11/13/2013 17:48 PM

You ask because you need to hear him answer...it doesn't matter how long it takes or how many times you ask.

We are fours year out and I think I stopped asking about six months ago.....H was tired of answering and his memory isn't what it was four years ago, but he answers because I need him to.

You are not beating a dead horse until YOU decide it's dead....nobody else.

Has your H read Joseph's letter from the healing library? It might help. Also the book 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair......good info that explains to the WS what they must do to help their BS heal......

At this point, it's about what the BS needs, not what the WS
needs.

Take good care of yourself.