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teeghan posted 11/13/2013 17:24 PM

I don't know if this goes here or what all I can say but here goes.

If you have followed me you know my ex beat me in front of my kids on my birthday. Since then I was awarded sole custody of kids, a perm restraining order against him and child support.

My kids and I have been struggling to get on our feet. They are small and I was a stay at home mom. We are now in a battered women shelter which actually is very nice. We have our own apartment. Just no kitchen or tv area. Those are common out in the main area of the building. The kids have counseling, I have counseling and they are helping me get a job and transitional housing free of charge to get on our feet.

My ex has supervised visitiation with the kids every Wednesday from 5:30 to 8pm and every other weekend. The kids are there now. They also go this weekend. Which I dread.

Here is my issues and I desperately need advise.

Last Wednesday night when I picked kids up he had me SERVED with papers for legitimation and custody. He states:

-- I falsely accused him of DV (funny...have you SEEN THE PICTURES? a--hole!)
-- I falsely accused him of rape (never even thought of that but ok)
-- I am a drug addict ( again, not sure where this comes from, I never did a drug in my life)
-- I am driving on a suspended license ( the cop that served me VERIFIED I in fact had a valid license)
-- That the kids wished to stay with him (Only because he threatened to spank them if they didn't say so)

I do not have an attorney yet. The battered women shelter is trying to get me one pro-bono. Yes is his claims horse crap? 1000% but I am still scared. How is a judge going to view me being in a shelter, or his lies? He is SOOOO slick.

Here is a few more things:

I have proof ONLINE in open google search of him bragging to be with a prostitute and telling all about his 1 hour and $120 damage. I have proof of JUST last month him posting very graphic sexual naked pictures of women who do not even look 18 on a tumblr site. I have talked to his 18 year old girlfriend that he had a 11 month affair with and started after just had just turned 18 by three weeks. They slept together all during her senior year, in her parents house. He supplied her with weed and acholol by his admission. I called and talked to her when I found out. That was my D day. She had NO idea his real name as he told her he was someone else. She had no idea about a lot of things.

He has had many affairs, many women from craigslist. He has been fired for fraud the last 3 jobs and one he stole $20K and black mailed them INTO NOT prosecuting him. I had no idea about it until his boss called me to tell me.

He is now harassing me through his parents at the tune of 6 emails a day trying to break me down. Trying to make me seem unfit. I pride myself in making my kids my world so I know what kind of a person I am. Also add in all his fighting in FRONT of the kids, his many tossing us out of the house, his always screaming and yelling, and witnesses to such facts.

Every time he talks to the kids, or sees them ALL he does is question them, try to strong arm them into info, tell them all about our case, all about him having to pay child support to make me happy, or all about being arrested because I am a liar. Which he is not suppose to be doing.

I am scared, I will be the first to admit. I am terrified someone is going to believe him and give him my kids. I am just a basket of nerves. I spoke to one attorney who said I can show I am the one day in and day out who take care of the kids. If he thought I was a drug addict why would he allow me to take them EVERYWHERE each day including ball fields, practice, be alone with them daily as he "worked" until 2 am nightly. Which meant he was out on booty calls.

I am just a basket of nerves and I needed to just talk about this and see if anyone else has had a monster like mine. He is so conning and so evil...I never knew such evil actually exsisted in this world.......

SIGH...... a bottle of nerves and a big big bucket of tears......

stronger08 posted 11/13/2013 17:36 PM

I don't think you have anything to worry about. No judge is going to award custody to a batterer. As you have had him arrested for DV I assume you have a RO against him. If you read it Im sure it states he can have no contact with you or harass you in any way. Including through a 3rd party. Save those texts from your IL's and report him to the police. He is using his parents as 3rd party harassers. Judges just hate it when people violate their orders. He very well may be arrested again. And that will work in your favor as well.

teeghan posted 11/13/2013 17:41 PM

Thank you - yes I have a perm RO and I have all emails they are sending me. I have a meeting with the prosecution on Friday about extra charges INCLUDING cruelty to kids charges and I am going to bring all emails with me.

It is hard not to worry when it is your kids and when you have a monster with all the money in the world to fight you. Sometimes you feel like he wins all the time....where is karma to get him back what he deserves??????

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 11/13/2013 17:43 PM

You need to go down to the I Can Relate forum and take a look at and post on the NPD thread. You'll get a LOT of help and support there. So many there have been through similar stuff.

I saw a situation very much like this on Dr. Phil today. It's just maddening.

Gr8Lady posted 11/13/2013 17:44 PM

You are scared and that is exactly what he wants.
You can submit and pass a drug test which will clear that allegation.
You have pictures of abuse.
Police report
Valid drivers licence
He is initiating parental alienation which is clearly a no no in any family court system.
You are ahead of his game.

Right now you are in a shelter which is exactly where you should be to be safe. That fact alone will speak volumes for your case.
I know it is overwhelming, and your plate is full but you will get through this and be the best woman and mother ever. You can do this!

stronger08 posted 11/13/2013 17:47 PM

Just hang in there a bit longer. Report everything and allow the law to do their thing. The more documentation you have the better. Not only for the custody, but for the D trial as well. I feel someone is going to be paying thru the nose for his actions real soon. PS. Don't be afraid to hit him where it hurts him the most. In his ego and pocket. Go for the throat kid. Good luck !!!

teeghan posted 11/13/2013 17:59 PM

Thank you - I posted in the NPD thread. Not sure what NPD stands for but I did share my thread and link.

I am going guns blazing and I am glad I finally took a stand and have held my ground. Even though some days I am a mess and feel like no one cares so why should I? But my kids keep me going. I maybe at the lowest point in my life, but I am not giving up. One day I will be back up on the top of the world and be able to share my story and struggles to help others in my situation. IT sucks to be here/ I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Chrysalis123 posted 11/13/2013 18:10 PM

Hi, NPD stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your X definately has something really wrong with him such as NPD or other major psychological disturbance.

I am glad you are away from him. Please breathe and breathe again. This will get better.

He is pulling out all the stops to manipulate and intimidate you. Remember he has no empathy and seems no conscience so he will do anything to try and ruin what you want.

This has NOTHING to do with you. He wants his way no matter what the law says. Think 3 year old emotionally

tushnurse posted 11/13/2013 18:20 PM

Sweetie please stop. I want you to take three deep breaths. Now reread the responses this far.

You are going to be just fine. Keep your proof, continue collect it (emails from his mommie and daddy). Know that judges hate abusers of women and children. Your H has abused you for so long you believe the info that his parents are spewing at you. This joker may very well end up in prison for his actions and he is the one that is scared shitless. That's why he is making these ridiculous claims.

You have already proven you have a valid liscence
He claims you're using drugs offer to pee in a cup and prove how clean you are.
Make sure the counselors know that he is bullying the
Into saying what he wants them to.

You got this girl and a judge is going to look upon you with respect, and honor for choosing to do the right thing for your kids. Believe me any time we see a break in the cycle d abuse and raising future abusers we want to cheer for you. You stand tall you stand proud. You are doing your kids the biggest favor you could that is a life with a Mom that is strong, smart, resilient , an one that demands respect.

Stay strong. And if you still feel overwhelmed by all of this the. Ask to see a dr and consider getting a little pharmaceutical support to get through this.

(((( and strength)))))

SoVerySadNow posted 11/13/2013 19:06 PM

Yes, keep your wits about you. He's using a deplorable technique to get you nervous and off your game.
Keep calm, gather your paperwork and put it somewhere safe where he can't get to it.

The court goes by proof, not unsubstantiated claims.

Re-read what people are telling you here when you get nervous.

momentintime posted 11/13/2013 20:59 PM

Have someone else read the emails from his family. If they about the kids, then answer. If they are to manipulate you don't answer. In fact whomever reads the emails for you will just file them in a special folder for future reference but you don't have to deal with them. That will cut out that avenue of abuse.

Stay strong. Your WS is a bully. It is all he knows. Don't fall for his tactics now. You have people at the shelter who can help you deal, they have probably seen it all before. Take comfort this will end eventually. The RO should help keep him confined. Have your phone with auto dial to 911 at all times.

Kajem posted 11/14/2013 03:12 AM

You've got this. You are in the very best place to get support for you and your kids. Take advantage of all that is offered.

He's going to hit back and it will be underhanded and full of lies. Just take each lie and compile your proof that his accusations are false. That exercise helped me to see how I looked to the courts, and I looked good. The kids were doing well in school, they were there on time, I asked for and received counseling for them-he tried to block me getting help for the kids. Etc. you get my drift.

I don't know of anyone staying at a DV shelter that didn't need to be there! That will speak volumes to the court.

Unless those emails have a question that NEEDS an answer - then ignore it. It doesn't require an answer.

I kept my documentation on a 3 inch 3 ring binder with dividers all our correspondence was by email so I could have a printed record. I cross referenced some emails threats, visitation, alienation, finances(child support) were a few of my cross referenced subjects.
I kept a journal of when he called the kids, what they were like during he call and after. I did the same with visitation. I kept my emotions out of it. This was so I could find patterns in my kids behaviors. I have 4 kids, their reactions were all over the place. I needed something that I could reference a behavior pattern and my therapist suggested this journal. I didn't expect it to help but it did.

Trust your shelters advice -they've seen this before.

Hugs,
K

EvenKeel posted 11/14/2013 07:48 AM

Huh....it is going to be interesting to see how he proves the violence charges are bogus since you are living IN a abuse shelter because of it????

I am sorry he is being an idiot.

All the bullying he is doing to the kiddos WILL backfire on him. They will remember this stuff. Someday he will be boo-hoo'ing about his kids wanting nothing to do with him and he will actually be wondering why. They seem to have no clue of what their actions ripple into.

Never 'knee-jerk' react to anything you get from him via ILs/others. That was hard for me to do at first....but I found if I digested it for a night (or ran here for help), my response was much better (or just crickets).

It will be better once you get an attorney because you can direct him to the attorney when he has issues or wants changes.

Stay strong - you CAN do this. I spent many times crying and thinking I did not know how to make it through. BUT - just remember you are working towards a healthier life for you and your children and you will get there.

Offhispedestal posted 11/14/2013 08:11 AM

First of all hugs, hugs and more hugs to you and your kids.
I know you definitely feel afraid and are a bag of nerves right now. Listen to the people here, listen to attorneys.
No judge in his right mind is going to award him sole custody.
I would be shocked if the a judge even awards him unsupervised visits.
I have a question. If his visits are supervised, how is he questioning them and threatening to spank them if they don't say they want to live with him?

When you are full of anxiety read the facts:

There is proof of physical abuse

Your children have witnessed this abuse

Your license is valid

You have proof of all his sick online crap

You are living in a shelter not by choice! You are clearly there
Because you escaped an abusive relationship.

You are NOT homeless, you have a place to live right now,
You will have a home soon and you will get back on your feet!

You are clean and sober

You have a PERMANENT R/O against him.

Your kids may have to end up talking personally with a judge or therapist.

Trust me my stepson was in a dangerous situation with his mom. He was 4 at the time. The judge asked to personally speak to him in his chambers. A therapist also had a full report for the judge. The judge and therapist concluded that the mom was selfish and not thinking in the best interest of her son. She was using drugs, was getting evicted every 3 months and moving around with garbage bags, living in basements and leaving him alone. She bribed a 4 yr old with promises of buying a huge pool and toy shopping spree if he said he wanted to live with her! He told the judge " mommy said if I say I want to be with her she would buy me a big pool and lots of toys when we move"
This angered the judge and everyone in court gave her the look of disgust.
When there is abuse as there was in our situation, the judge agreed. You are going to be ok. Fear of the unknown sucks, it seems to grow the more we worry.
You have taken a GIGANTIC step in the right direction!!
As scared and weak as you may feel, you are strong woman!
Strength doesn't always come from bravery, it comes from doing what you have to do in the best interest of your kids and your life.

(((Hugs)))

anewday78 posted 11/14/2013 16:16 PM

Your husband's behavior sounds more like that of a person suffering from ASPD (Anti Social Personality Disorder - a.k.a. Sociopath), than NPD. Either way, stay away from him and let the courts deal with him. The judge already has his number. This will only further prove how dangerous he is.

teeghan posted 11/14/2013 18:21 PM

Kajem thanks for the wonderful advise - WOW I am going to take notes of how the kids are before and after dealing with him. Takes ME FOREVER to get them calmed down.

As far as someone else asked how he could strong arm them or threaten to spank if he is supervised. IT is supervised via his PARENTS. Yeah I know it sucks but was what judge ordered since his parents have been a big part of the kids lives including taking htem on vacations alone etc. NOW his parents are harassing me and treating my kids exactly how their son is.

I am taking it day by day. Hour by hour and minute by minute. That is all I can do. They go to visit this weekend I am a big ball of nerves....

headdesk posted 11/15/2013 00:11 AM

Document the heck out of everything - see if the kids therapist suggests do extra work with the kids to help them remain as calm as they can through all of this. I'm imagining that they see it all too frequently, which on the other hand gives their reports more credence.

homewrecked2011 posted 12/3/2013 23:18 PM

During my D I checked into the outpatient program at a mental health facility. I was really scared the judge would see me as crazy, but I was assured the judge would see all I have been thru and that I was the one wanting to get help for my children and for me.

Stay calm, and stay on the path you are on. Even when you are on your own, keep going to see the counselors and get into any counseling groups the place offers. I had counseling at the domestic violence center. They (and SI) saved my sanity.

I got custody of the kids, btw, and everything else was icing on the cake (our home and all the equity, 401k money, etc, I got that, too.)