Me: BW, 30
I don't know how to break out of what I feel is a negative cycle.
I never had issues as severe as this before, or if I did, at least I had some defense mechanisms to deal with them.
When I'm feeling caring towards WH, then I really care what he thinks of me, if he's attracted to me, loves me, needs me, and the way he treats me effects me deeply. And caring what he thinks of me makes me a crazy person. Am I attractive enough? Am the clothes I'm shopping for clothes that WH would think are hot? Am I interesting enough? Cool enough? Oh no, do I have a zit? What if I go out and run into OW and she sees me looking less than awesome? What if all this crying makes WH fall out of love with me? What if he can't help but think I'm pathetic? Insecurity isn't attractive, and those thoughts aren't healthy.
And then, I get pissed off. Who is this horrible new me that cares about any of that superficial stuff? I didn't behave like a morally bankrupt, screwed up, manipulative psycho, he and OW did. Why does his good opinion matter anyway? He gives that good opinion away cheaply, without thought. It's not that I'm not measuring up - it's that EVERYONE measures up to his low-ass standards. Why do I need his love? He craps on everyone he says he loves - in fact, the more he loves someone, the more he hurts them. I've always been the kind of person that did what I wanted, wore what I wanted, and was just, well, un-apologetically me. I don't need to put myself down because of his gross problems. So why should I care about the opinion of someone who treated me the way he did? Screw this. And screw him!
And while that makes me feel better about myself, that makes me feel distant from him, and uncaring. That's not healthy for R either.
I talked to WH about it last night, and he paid me lots of compliments (this isn't something I particularly need from him now, as he's always done that), and said, "You shouldn't care what I think of you."
I lost it. I just lost it and screamed at him. Of course human beings care about what the people they love think of them. I don't give two shits about everyone else, but to not care what my husband thinks of me? That's insane and unrealistic. How can I not care that the only person in the universe I'm supposed to be having sex with may not think I'm any more or less attractive than everyone else out there?
I don't know how to cycle out of either being angry and self-assured, or caring and open but weepy and insecure. I don't know how to care about him and his opinions, while still feeling good about myself. I need a new way of thinking about this - anyone?
[This message edited by Thessalian at 8:35 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
Him: WH, 36
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014