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I need opinions. My ws cheated on me a "confessed" total of 5 times. One was a girl who according to him, grabbed him as he was walking in a bar and just started making out with him. Fast forward to today. We are currently separated but hoping to R. He is in the national guard and currently in Kansas for the week for some training. All his cheating I might add occurred while he was away doing things with the national guard.
So we are texting just now. He says he's in his room watching the Knicks game with his roommate and they are going to go to the bar down the street to have a beer. He also knows that I am against him drinking without me as they all involved alcohol. I texted back that it made me uncomfortable. He texted back "I know that makes you nervous but I am not going to have more than two and I know that I am different than who I was." I replied that I didn't know he was a different man and he didn't seem to understand that. He replied "I could have gone and just not told you but that isn't right.". My response "Oh so now that's supposed to make it better!?" To which he relied he "wasn't doing this". I told him it scared me, made me uncomfortable and that he didn't seem to care about that. I told him I was scared. I tried to call him but he wouldn't pick up. I asked him to please talk to me. He then texted " No this is why I left. You can't control me." I texted back, "I don't want to control you. I want to feel comfortable with you. I'm telling you how this makes me feel and you disregard my feelings. I feel rejected by you.". Anyways he didn't reply so I told him. "I do trust you but there is still a part of me that is terrified. Will you text me when you get back". He responded yes he would.

Ok so if you read all that, here's my question. Am I trying to control him? I don't think I am. No I don't want him to drink. My stomach will be in knots all night now, because he didn't care that this bothers me. What I want is for him to say. You and this marriage are my top priority. If my going to a bar to drink is uncomfortable for you, I won't go." Is that to much to ask considering the circumstance? I feel like if anything, he is controlling me. He got to go out and cheat and now I don't get any say over recovery. I don't go out, I don't do anything to cause him to worry. I don't keep him from going out. In fact he went to poker night just 2 weeks ago with the men at in our bible class. I don't mind him hanging with the right people. It's questionable people that I am uncomfortable with. So I need opinions. I feel like I'm going crazy here!

I don't see you trying to control him as much as you trying to express your concerns. I also don't see him as remorseful, based on this post. If he was truly remorseful, he would have done whatever he could to alleviate your fears. Consistently. Your needs would supersede his own. His decision to go out anyway is selfish.

Have you worked the 180? If not, I recommend it. It can help you on your path to healing from this mess.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Edited to delete double post.

[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 10:11 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]

After a sleepless night. I'm even more upset by this. Infidelity aside, if my husband told me there was something I was doing that made him uncomfortable, out of respect for him I would stop. Then add in his infidelity which occurred in a bar! How can he be so heartless?! I'm just so afraid to let go though and I don't know why! why doesn't he care about my feelings? Trust when it's been demolished by infidelity has to be earned back. You don't do that by going to a bar and drinking. What's he going to do when the next girl grabs him and just starts making out with him. Or someone comes up and starts flirting with him, gives him her #. He lacks boundaries, remorse! Ugh I'm just so heartbroken. How did this become my like? I know we are all going through this.

I am the WS in my marriage. I don't think you are being controlling at all....in my opinion your fears are totally justified and I understand why you would be scared.

I think as the BH, if he really wants to R it is up to him to do what he needs to make you feel safe and to reassure you that another A will not happen....this means stopping behaviors from the past. He needs to show you he is serious about fixing your M.

I recently got invited to hang out with some friends from my old job....friends who knew about my A and know the xap. ...I would have liked to see them but knew that going would be a trigger for me and my BH and didn't want to put him through that so I told them no.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this and hope that your BH opens his eyes and realizes what he needs to do. Stay strong!

I'm also a WW. I know that my word means very little to my Husband after the shitty way I treated him. I do know that my actions demonstrate my commitment to our R and our Marriage. I avoid doing anything that would make my BH feel unsafe in our relationship. In my opinion, your husband's behaviour does not demonstrate a willingness or desire to be in the relationship with you, and he is certainly not respecting your feelings.

I don't think there is anything wrong with controlling. Our WS showed serious lack of self control. Until they are able to do the work to control themselves we have every right to control the situation. That control comes in the form of Boundaries/Consequeces, the 180, and kicking them out.

Don't be ashamed to control. "you are controlling" is a blameshifting/gaslighting tactic used by liars and cheaters.

I think more directness would be less controlling.

For example, he hasn't proved he's trustworthy, and I think it would be better to tell him you don't trust him. If he asks how long it will take to trust him again, tell him probably 2-5 years (which is the truth). If he can't or won't understand that, he's not a candidate for R.

Saying you trust him when you don't is a lie, It's manipulative, which makes it controlling, IMO - but that's how we're taught to act, so congratulate yourself on being a good student. Then change.

For example, ask him not to go out to bars when he's away. If he's committed to changing himself, he'll agree or open up a discussion that leads to a good solution for both of you. If he's not committed to doing the work of R, he'll balk. Whatever happens, you'll know where he stands. Then you can adjust your behavior accordingly.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:56 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

Anyways he didn't reply so I told him. "I do trust you but there is still a part of me that is terrified. Will you text me when you get back". He responded yes he would.

(Please know, I'm speaking with compassion for you, it's just my typed words cannot demonstrate this AND CAPS ARE FOR EMPHASIS ONLY.)

Newme123, He did exactly what he set out for.... His way at your expense. AGAIN...

He's a con and a manipulator and knows you're willing to be his doormat, just for a text....

He has no intention of creating boundaries....
A repentant man would be home reading a book, skyping with his family, chatting on the phone with his family, protecting them and demonstrating his EXTRAORDINARY BOUNDARIES that he's put into place.
Instead, you have to meekly share your concern for his lack of boundaries and how this makes you feel, all the while he's laughing it up at a bar with his friends about how his wife needed to put in her place again.....

You are not controlling him at all. He's keeping you so off balance that you're willing to accept a plan of ZERO boundaries, questioning every move you make....

IMVHO, You deserve so much better than this.
Until he makes some concrete changes, you'd be better off moving on to complete legal separation and complete no contact with him until he makes committments ....

He must accept choosing you, which means choosing a MARRIED lifestyle.
He is still pretending he's single... which is why he's texting the entitled attitude of "you can't control me"... Sounds like a whinny high school boy rather than a married man.

He texted back "I know that makes you nervous but.....

Really! (translation; HE DOESN'T CARE!)

I'm saying a prayer for you....

No bars when away, and act trustworthy and you'll be trusted.

Tell him to read a marriage book and work on your marriage when he has free time!

Trust is earned.

He's not respecting your thoughts and feelings. His 'out' is to place the blame on you, and in turn you feel guity/crazy for asking him to do something or stay away from something that got him in trouble the last time.

I tried to call him but he wouldn't pick up. I asked him to please talk to me.

This guy has cheated on you 5 times. FIVE times. And he is having temper tantrums and not picking up when you call?

Your asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is “How do I get his shit out of my house?”

Why put up with this? He’s abusive emotionally. He’s been doing it for quite some time from your fears. He threatens to leave and you become desperate for him not to leave. He then uses that fear to get his own way.

He said ‘this is why I left’. When did he leave, and is this really why? Because his affairs created loads of conflict and he doesn’t like to not be able to do whatever he wants?

No, not controlling at all. As Card (and others) pointed out he is keeping you off balance by flipping it back on you when it is all about him and his boundaries, or rather, his lack thereof.

You now need to flip it on him. Send him a text.

Darling,

I have fucked 5 other men. Every time I did, it was someone I met at a bar and alcohol was involved. I have told you about this now. I am different today. Tonight I am going to a bar. I will probably have some drinks, but don't worry.

Love,
Newme123

It seems so obvious, but I actually had to do this with my very remorseful FWH for him to understand how I was feeling. I do have to wonder about just how remorseful your WH is.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry to hear you had a sleepless night and feel like YOUR crazy. It reminds me of what I put my BS through and it hurts like hell.

Sounds like you have a case of the "baby husband" here. I think they even sell monitors for them now!
I know this is the RECON board, but getting his head out from his..ah colon might include dumping him. It is scary, it is hard, but what are you getting from him now. Hes just going through the motions as far as I can tell.

Controlling! You got to be frkn kidding me! I want my BS to control me, hell I needed it. In any case, I don't think about the word controlling the same way anymore. Now, I think about it as showing my beautiful wife how much I love and cherish her. As should he!

Nothin crazy about you

My husband would always accuse me of controlling him when he was in the A, and in the fog. After he came to understand a little more (he still isnt near perfect) he knew that it wasnt I was trying to control him.

Maybe your WS is still in the fog?

I'm so sorry to hear this, for you. these are not the words & actions of a WS who wants to R.

Thanks everyone. Your words of truth and encouragement have really helped me today. Unfortunately I have been trying to R with him since about 2 weeks after dday. I think I am at the point of throwing in the towel. He has his good moments when he does do things righ, which is why I held on so long. I met with my counselor who has also been our mc. She agreed with you all. At this point I am going to continue as we are as we are currently separated and have been for almost 2 weeks. Texas does not recognize legal seperation. I guess I will be moving myself on over to the s/d side.