Ok so if you read all that, here's my question. Am I trying to control him? I don't think I am. No I don't want him to drink. My stomach will be in knots all night now, because he didn't care that this bothers me. What I want is for him to say. You and this marriage are my top priority. If my going to a bar to drink is uncomfortable for you, I won't go." Is that to much to ask considering the circumstance? I feel like if anything, he is controlling me. He got to go out and cheat and now I don't get any say over recovery. I don't go out, I don't do anything to cause him to worry. I don't keep him from going out. In fact he went to poker night just 2 weeks ago with the men at in our bible class. I don't mind him hanging with the right people. It's questionable people that I am uncomfortable with. So I need opinions. I feel like I'm going crazy here!
Have you worked the 180? If not, I recommend it. It can help you on your path to healing from this mess.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 10:11 PM, November 13th (Wednesday)]
I think as the BH, if he really wants to R it is up to him to do what he needs to make you feel safe and to reassure you that another A will not happen....this means stopping behaviors from the past. He needs to show you he is serious about fixing your M.
I recently got invited to hang out with some friends from my old job....friends who knew about my A and know the xap. ...I would have liked to see them but knew that going would be a trigger for me and my BH and didn't want to put him through that so I told them no.
I am sorry to hear you are going through this and hope that your BH opens his eyes and realizes what he needs to do. Stay strong!
Married: April 9, 1994
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014
Every Saint has a Past; every Sinner has a Future.
Don't be ashamed to control. "you are controlling" is a blameshifting/gaslighting tactic used by liars and cheaters.
For example, he hasn't proved he's trustworthy, and I think it would be better to tell him you don't trust him. If he asks how long it will take to trust him again, tell him probably 2-5 years (which is the truth). If he can't or won't understand that, he's not a candidate for R.
Saying you trust him when you don't is a lie, It's manipulative, which makes it controlling, IMO - but that's how we're taught to act, so congratulate yourself on being a good student. Then change.
For example, ask him not to go out to bars when he's away. If he's committed to changing himself, he'll agree or open up a discussion that leads to a good solution for both of you. If he's not committed to doing the work of R, he'll balk. Whatever happens, you'll know where he stands. Then you can adjust your behavior accordingly.
[This message edited by sisoon at 10:56 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
Anyways he didn't reply so I told him. "I do trust you but there is still a part of me that is terrified. Will you text me when you get back". He responded yes he would.
(Please know, I'm speaking with compassion for you, it's just my typed words cannot demonstrate this AND CAPS ARE FOR EMPHASIS ONLY.)
Newme123, He did exactly what he set out for.... His way at your expense. AGAIN...
He's a con and a manipulator and knows you're willing to be his doormat, just for a text....
He has no intention of creating boundaries....
A repentant man would be home reading a book, skyping with his family, chatting on the phone with his family, protecting them and demonstrating his EXTRAORDINARY BOUNDARIES that he's put into place.
Instead, you have to meekly share your concern for his lack of boundaries and how this makes you feel, all the while he's laughing it up at a bar with his friends about how his wife needed to put in her place again.....
You are not controlling him at all. He's keeping you so off balance that you're willing to accept a plan of ZERO boundaries, questioning every move you make....
IMVHO, You deserve so much better than this.
Until he makes some concrete changes, you'd be better off moving on to complete legal separation and complete no contact with him until he makes committments ....
He must accept choosing you, which means choosing a MARRIED lifestyle.
He is still pretending he's single... which is why he's texting the entitled attitude of "you can't control me"... Sounds like a whinny high school boy rather than a married man.
He texted back "I know that makes you nervous but.....
I'm saying a prayer for you....
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
Tell him to read a marriage book and work on your marriage when he has free time!
He's not respecting your thoughts and feelings. His 'out' is to place the blame on you, and in turn you feel guity/crazy for asking him to do something or stay away from something that got him in trouble the last time.
I tried to call him but he wouldn't pick up. I asked him to please talk to me.
This guy has cheated on you 5 times. FIVE times. And he is having temper tantrums and not picking up when you call?
Your asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is “How do I get his shit out of my house?”
Why put up with this? He’s abusive emotionally. He’s been doing it for quite some time from your fears. He threatens to leave and you become desperate for him not to leave. He then uses that fear to get his own way.
He said ‘this is why I left’. When did he leave, and is this really why? Because his affairs created loads of conflict and he doesn’t like to not be able to do whatever he wants?
You now need to flip it on him. Send him a text.
I have fucked 5 other men. Every time I did, it was someone I met at a bar and alcohol was involved. I have told you about this now. I am different today. Tonight I am going to a bar. I will probably have some drinks, but don't worry.
It seems so obvious, but I actually had to do this with my very remorseful FWH for him to understand how I was feeling. I do have to wonder about just how remorseful your WH is.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:41 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Sounds like you have a case of the "baby husband" here. I think they even sell monitors for them now!
I know this is the RECON board, but getting his head out from his..ah colon might include dumping him. It is scary, it is hard, but what are you getting from him now. Hes just going through the motions as far as I can tell.
Controlling! You got to be frkn kidding me! I want my BS to control me, hell I needed it. In any case, I don't think about the word controlling the same way anymore. Now, I think about it as showing my beautiful wife how much I love and cherish her. As should he!
Nothin crazy about you
Life's tough, it's tougher when your stupid.
Maybe your WS is still in the fog?