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myowndystopia posted 11/13/2013 23:41 PM

So this forum is just found out.... but deep down... I've known. I've spent way to long looking the other way and ignoring all the signs. I've started IC mainly to help me sort through my feelings and thoughts. I have no details about the A. He doesn't deny and he doesn't admit. Ive kept a log of weird activity from him from the last 3 years but other than a couple of texts I just happened to see there is really nothing specific. Never home, increasing time with a friend,late night texting, late night phone calls outside......and on and on. He says not ready to talk about it. Refuses to show me his texts on his phone or answer any questions saying why do you want to put yourself through this. He gives lots of reasons why its all my fault. (Not physical enough, gained weight) -so for now looks like I'm in a holding pattern.

idealist posted 11/14/2013 00:16 AM

This is a great first post, myowndystopia. I can feel you and I think you will get a lot of support and validation for what you are going through here.

Can you write what it feels like for you? What is your experience?

And I am so sorry for this situation :-(

crazynot posted 11/14/2013 00:38 AM

What a horrible situation. The first thing to realise is THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It's all on him.

Raven96 posted 11/14/2013 07:05 AM

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! It is all on him. He doesn't get to put you in a holding pattern unless you let him. If he won't cooperate with you then he should go elsewhere to sit on his fence. Have you read in the Healing Library about the 180? It is under FAQ for the BS, #11. Please read this and implement it immediately, if you haven't already. Tell him he needs to move to the couch. You are not his doormat.

I am so sorry he has his head up his butt. You don't deserve this.


myowndystopia posted 11/14/2013 07:15 AM

Can you write what it feels like for you? What is your experience?

My emotions are all over the place. Some days, for no reason, are much worse. I cry very easily even at things that are not even related to his infidelity - such as going to store and they don't have what I'm looking for - that could get me crying again! I can't concentrate - get to work and hardly remember driving there, forget appointments, and mind frequently wanders. The anger is there too but it is a sorrowful anger- I get angry about how he chooses not to be with me and his family, angry how he won't answer questions and then angry at myself for ignoring this for too long! And then there are the physical feelings- the constant hurt in my stomach and shaking in my hands, knees, legs. I am considering dr visit for antidepressants. I look forward to the day when I can go 30 minutes without this consuming my thoughts!

Take2 posted 11/14/2013 07:30 AM

I want to suggest the 180 as well. And while you are focused on you, get a really good idea what is happening with household finances. If this has been going on 3 years - how do you know what he will say (or do) when he is ready to talk... It could be as simple as up and leaving.

He knows what his plans are - you need to be prepared for anything, and make plans of your own. 180, 180, 180. I'm not suggesting you sit back and wait (that is not what I would do) but if that is where you are right now... then at least prepare for the worst.

Sorry you've joined us myowndystopia, but you've found a good place for support. Know that this has nothing to do with you! Take care of you and your health right now!

Williesmom posted 11/14/2013 07:32 AM

You are not in a holding pattern. Take control of your life - the power is yours. He's going to do whatever he's going to do, but he doesn't get to make all of the decisions that impact your life.

Take care of yourself.

Raven96 posted 11/14/2013 07:39 AM

Oh, yes...get your household finances figured out (good point, Take2), and it probably wouldn't hurt to see a lawyer to figure out your options should he decide to leave. Maybe move some of your joint $ into a new acct that is in your name only.

Skan posted 11/14/2013 13:19 PM

It may feel like you're stuck in quicksand, unable to make a move backwards or forwards.

This is untrue. The quicksand is imaginary. If you want to move, if you decide to move, you can move.

You are not a slave to this man. He doesn't own you, your emotions, or any other thing about you. You are a grown woman who doesn't have to ask permission of any person, to take care of yourself. Frankly, it's immaterial if you have proof or not. You know. He knows. He knows you know. And he's snowing you because he gets to have his fun-filled fantasy life, doing what he wants with who he wants, while you wait at home, taking care of the house and kids, doing laundry, and essentially being his backup plan. Why WOULD he make any changes? He's sitting in the cat-bird seat with no ramifications for his hideous behavior.

Time to make some changes. You are not "plan B." You are his wife and there is no room for three (or more) in your marriage.

See your doctor and seek treatment for depression, if appropriate. Read The Healing Library in the upper left corner, in the yellow box. Pay attention to the 180 and implement it. This is for you to be able to detach enough to make decision about what is best for you. It's not a tool to get your WH to come back to you it's completely for you. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are. And consider very carefully if you want to live the rest of your life like this. Being taken for granted and ignored.

I think not. You are worth far more than this. Grab your power back with both hands and start making decision that are best for YOU and YOU alone. And come back often for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

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