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Need a good book for ws.

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cannibal posted 11/13/2013 23:50 PM

Ok so we had a talk tonight and I was trying to get her to admit to an earlier start date of the A. She had broke down crying swearing that she has told me everything. So I guess I will lay off for awhile. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I could swear that the the way she was acting in the months leading up to the A it had already started. Maybe she was just trying to communicate her unsaticfaction with things.
We continued talking and I told her I want to see her doing things to try and better herself. Like seeing a councilor or reading. She said she been to councilors and they have never helped. She did say she was willing to read a book, but wanted me to pick it out. She is currently a sober addict trying to get her life together. She is not going to NA or any other treatment. I do see her pick up her NA book ever once in awhile to reflect. She had a couple ONSs, the A, and was molested as a child. I don't know if any of that would affect book selection but I thought it might.

LosferWords posted 11/14/2013 08:13 AM

Hi cannibal. I'd say probably the most concise and straight-to-the-punch book that you could probably find for her is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" by Linda J. MacDonald.

Another book that helped us a lot, but is quite a bit lengthier, is "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass.

Another good resource is the initial posting of "Things That Every WS Needs To Know", found in the Wayward section of this site. Here's the direct link:

Hope this helps! Best of luck to you.

AFrayedKnot posted 11/14/2013 08:52 AM

I second the books and thread that Losfer suggested.

But I am here to t/j this. When dealing with an addict the underlying addiction is the root of the infidelities. If that is not dealt with the risk of a relapse is not only probable, i believe it is inevitable. That relapse can be in the form of drugs, alcohol, other men, shopping, stealing or anything that feels good in the moment. I have BTDT for years. I wrote this in the I Can Relate thread R'ing with an addict.

Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.

Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.

I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
2. Relationship/Family
3. Work
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.

I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.

We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...

Feel free to PM me if you want.

cannibal posted 11/20/2013 01:55 AM

Started reading "Not 'Just Friends'" by Shirley Glass. We got the Kindle ver on so that we can both read at the same time. We have been taking our time, only knocking out a chapter every week night, with the intention of discussing the chapter. The conversation usually starts out about the book and turns in to a q&a about the A. We only on chapter 2. The discussions seem to be helping. Although I still don't trust her completely, it feels like she is telling the truth and it is helping build the trust.

I'm still encouraging her to get into a 12 step program, because I truly believe what Chicho is saying about her addiction being the root cause of our problems. I do fear though that socialising in one of the NA/AA clubs may bring on more opportunities than solutions. Seeing as how only about 1/2 of all members are truly trying to sober up. The other half are either court ordered or forced by caring love ones. You can only get sober and stay sober when it's your idea. There is also the men to women ratio is something like 8/1 and someone always needs someone to talk to.

Jrazz posted 11/20/2013 02:53 AM

I'm not sure how NA/AA meetings work, but would it be possible for you to attend with her?

You're doing a great job of seeking out resources. I hope that the book leads to clarity and a feeling of closeness. I know that triggers abound, especially when reading NJF but it was instrumental for FWH and I in dissecting some of the how's and why's.

Keep up the good work.

Dallas2 posted 11/20/2013 09:18 AM


Great advice from those who piped in already.

I have one suggestion to add and that is Al-Anon. It is a 12 step program for the person affected by an addict, alcholic in their life. It has helped me immensely. Many of those of us who live with any type of addict become Co-Dependent. I would also reccommend you reading Co-Dependent No-More.

Good luck!

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