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How do you R?

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anotherchance posted 11/13/2013 23:57 PM

My BS is complaining because I go on SI and read all the time, but I don't post. I guess I'm not sure what to write or what to say. It comes more easily to him (whyme1525). I feel that I am committed to R. I'm going to IC once a week and we have been to MC. I really enjoy therapy. I feel better after I leave, eventhough that good feeling is short lived. Last week in MC, I asked my BS what it is that he expects of me. Its been almost 3 months since Dday. I'm not sure what to do. I've given complete transparency. He has access to my cell phone, email, etc. I try to answer his questions, but some of them I do not know the answer to. He doesn't understand how I could make the decision to have an A so easily, but how I am having a hard time after. He actually said I'm acting like the BS because I am so hurt. I just have so much trouble getting over my own pain. My own pain of hurting my BS and ruining my M. He just said that he is leaning towards D, because he doesn't understand anything I did. Can he move past this without understanding? Is it possible for him to understand when he's never done this? All he does is dwell on the past. Brings up everything that happened during the A. Doesn't matter what I am trying to do now. He thinks that the only reason that I am not still with my AP is because he ran away when my BS confronted him. I don't feel that way at all. I want nothing to do with him. I would be doing the same thing whether he ran away or not. I am just so lost. I don't have a book, I don't have the rules, I just don't know what to do. I just feel like things are getting worse and not better. Is this normal? What do I do?

Neznayou posted 11/14/2013 00:22 AM

Hi there,

If you've been reading, then what I say won't be new.

You're only 3 months out. You have an incredibly long way to go. Right now, while not ignoring your pain, you need to focus on your Husband's pain. Hopefully the time will come when he can see why you're hurting and support you.

On SI, read all the threads, not just Wayward Side. You can get great information that will help you understand where your Husband might be and you can "meet" others who have been where you are.

Also, there are so many resources out there. My Husband and I have a stack of books which we used to help guide us back toward each other. There are also other websites (although I haven't found another one quite as user-friendly as this one).

Life after an Affair is a hellish roller coaster of emotions and hard truths. Demonstrate your desire to be a better wife to him by your actions! Every single day, get out of bed thinking about him and what you can do for him that day. Be specific. Listen carefully to what he has already asked of you; don't make him ask again.

I think your question about moving past without understanding might best be answered by the BSs out there. What it means to understand is probably a bit different from person to person, IMO.

It's not easy and sometimes it really sucks, but this is the reality we each created.

anotherchance posted 11/14/2013 06:52 AM

What books do you suggest? Which worked for you?

floridaredman posted 11/14/2013 09:32 AM

Try "After the Affair" and "Not Just Friends"

Also I will bump Fallen's thread on books.

Neznayou posted 11/18/2013 00:51 AM

Surviving an Affair by Dr. Hadley -- He has written a whole series of books which all work together.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

There is a reason so many people mention these particular titles; they are well written and have great information in them. Someone mentioned getting an e-reader of some type so that you can read more discreetly. I definitely suggest buying the books you choose so that you can take notes and come back and read them again and again. Each time I read something again, I get something new out of it.

pizzalover posted 11/18/2013 07:24 AM

. I try to answer his questions, but some of them I do not know the answer to. He doesn't understand how I could make the decision to have an A so easily, but how I am having a hard time after. He actually said I'm acting like the BS because I am so hurt. I just have so much trouble getting over my own pain. My own pain of hurting my BS and ruining my M.

I could have written the above. I am almost 10 months out and things are still hard. I'm in therapy 3 times a week (2 IC and 1 MC). I'm working very hard to figure things out. Keep working. I wish you the best.

Lmw9808 posted 11/18/2013 07:49 AM

Like others have said you are only 3 months out. I am only three months ahead of where you are but can tell you it is a long road to get to thinking about R. My BS is still not there and I am thankful for every day she decides to continue to give me a chance. Keep working on the answers to the why's and how's. The answers are not easy to gain understanding to but I have come to believe they are critical to your BS being able to heal and also critical to you as you work on your own issues. The books recommended are good as are may of the others on the heeling library.

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